posted
Here is the first little bit of the novel I am working on. From this would you want to read more? Is it a good start?
Rowan knew he was being followed, had known it for several hours know. He continued riding Windruner as casually as if it were a ride through town. The horse sensed it as well constantly tensed his muscles and twitched his ears, ready to spring to a gallop at a moments notice. "Easy Windrunner," Rowan would whisper each time, "I know they're there. Don't worry so much." He led the black mare on a meandering course, avoiding obstacles and trying to get a glimpse of his stalker at the same time. He could never quite see them but could feel the eyes watching him, giving him that prickly feeling at the base of his skull that always wanred of danger.
Critique away! And don't worry about my feelings, I'm a big boy and can take it!
posted
Being followed is a good beginning. You might tell us if he suspects why (robber? or is he a robber, chased by a bounty hunter? no idea?).
The punctuation and spelling errors are a distraction.
"Rowan would whisper": this puts us into an unspecified time, and thus distances us from the action. Give us one particular instance, I think: "Rowan whispered."
posted
The idea is quite interesting in my opinion. I want to know more. I would probably keep reading.
The problem is mostly in mechanics.
1st sentence: "had known it for several hours know" -> "had known it for several hours *now*" I'm pretty sure that's what you meant.
It's a stylistic choice to arrange the sentence the way you did. For some people it might be uncomfortable that the phrase after the comma has no apparent subject. If you feel like changing it you could replace the comma with a semicolon and add the word "he."
2nd sentence: "as if it were a ride through town" I think the word "it" is poorly used here. The pronoun doesn't refer back to something specific. You might want to change the phrase to something more along the lines of "as if he were on a ride through town"
Windruner should be Windrunner.
3rd sentence: The same problem with "it" at the beginning of the sentence.
"moments" should be "moment's"
The first half of the sentence in grammatically weird. You might even want to separate this into two sentences: "The horse sensed it as well. He constantly..."
4th sentence: "they're there" really bugs me. Try to find another way to say it without the echo.
5th and 6th sentences: The pronoun in the last sentence doesn't match its anticedent. In line 5 you use the word "stalker" and then in line 6 you use "them." Pick which one is correct and modify the other appropriately. If you're just trying to be gender-neutral, then use another noun.
Personally I think "his eyes" or "their eyes" (whichever is appropriate) or even "eyes" sounds better than "the eyes" in the last sentence.
"wanred" should be "warned"
There may be things I'm missing. Next time please go through and try to fix the things you can before posting. I know it can sometimes be impossible to fix everything, but it's easier on reviewers if you do as much as you can ahead of time.
All that said, I am interested in the story. I agree with wbriggs that being followed is a good beginning.
posted
Thanks guys, Sorry for the typos and errors there. I was a little distracted while typing the post from handwritten content I have in a little notebook! I will type everything in Word and utilize the spellcheck before posting more. I will also rewrite the previous two paragraphs with the suggestions listed here.
While writing the opening originally I knew he was being followed by multiple "stalkers" and wrote it that way but while I was typing it for the post here I realized that Rowan couldn't possibly know htere was more than one "stalker" and tried to make a few changes by the seat of my pants.
posted
I think you have too much verbiage. It’s hiding what could be a good opening.
May I? I’m just going to strip out some repetitious wording, Clear away the brush.
My opinion, of course, just my opinion.
Rowan knew he was being followed. The horse sensed it as well and twitched his ears, ready to spring to a gallop at a moments notice.
"Easy Windrunner," Rowan whispered, "I know they're there."
He led (nit – “led” sounds as if he’s walking, leading the horse whether you do it my way or your original way) the black mare on a meandering course, avoiding obstacles (show us an example, be specific – not vague) and trying to get a glimpse of his stalker. He could never quite see them but could feel eyes watching him, giving him that prickly feeling at the base of his skull. Danger, his senses cried.
PS -- where you have him leading the horse and avoiding obstacles is where you could put in a bit of setting.
He rode the black mare across the village green avoiding the trysting place by the creek. On High Street he doubled back in a dirtfloored alley and watched for a few minutes ,but no one appeared to be following him.
[This message has been edited by arriki (edited March 08, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by arriki (edited March 08, 2006).]
posted
One glaring inconsistency in your opening is referring to your horse as "he", then stating it is a mare. It can be one or the other, but not both.
It seems like you are giving your character's horse a strong personality. My personal advice about including horses or other animals as "characters" in your story is: don't. Most mature fantasy readers are not interested in animal characters, apart from mythical creatures such as dragons, harpies, unicorns, et.al.. Mention of mounts by name is okay, but imbuing them with a strong personality detracts from the human characters in your story. Again, this is my personal opinion.
[This message has been edited by Salimasis (edited March 08, 2006).]
posted
do you have any horses Salimasis? Horses are very intelligent animals and can sense danger. The little "charachter" I gave Windrunner is a very normal thing in horses and all she has done so far is tense muscles and twitch ears. Hardly strong charachter and in no way taking away from the MC. If you are going to use horses in your writing then you absolutely have to write them with as much reality as possible.
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posted
Ok, here is an updated version (Moved from the other thread I started!)
Rowan knew he was being followed through the dead forest, he had known for some time now. He continued to ride Windrunner as if it were just a casual ride through the countryside. Windrunner sensed the presence as well and occasionally tensed muscles or twitched an ear, ready to spring to a gallop at a moments notice. “Easy Windrunner,” Rowan whispered, “I know they’re there. Don’t worry so much.”
He led the black mare on a meandering course through the black skeleton-like trees with their branches reaching out like bony hands, reaching for some vestige of life. They went around fallen trees and thick tangles of branches, trying to get a glimpse of who was following them. He could never quite see anything, but he knew someone was there from the feeling of eyes watching him. It was almost as if the shadows were consciously helping to keep the follower hidden. He also knew because of the prickly feeling at the base of his skull that always warned him of danger.
As he rode he pulled his short horse-bow from a case attached to his saddle and nocked a heavily broad-headed finger-width arrow. “If I were stalking someone through these woods,” he said to Windrunner, “I would attack right……about…..NOW!”
posted
I have had some great horses, and include them in my own writings. I am well aware of the horse's keen senses and have employed them in my stories. My concern arose from your MC addressing his horse by name and urging it not to be concerned. That was an indicator that he had a "personal" relationship with the horse that would be carried throughout the story. While we horse lovers may enjoy close relationships with our animals and enjoy talking to them, people who don't have that connection will eschew it, and that hurts the marketability of the story. I had to go through my own writing and delete the excessive references to horses and their personalities for the sake of keeping the story real for non horse lovers. I do not want the appeal of my writing to be limited by my own preferences. For me, it is better to excise those darling scenes and sell the books than to keep them for the sake of sentimentality.
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quote:While we horse lovers may enjoy close relationships with our animals and enjoy talking to them, people who don't have that connection will eschew it.
While your point is well-made, in the story so far, it doesn't seem to be an issue. If THIS character has a connection with THIS horse, I don't have a problem. But if everyone (or the majority of characters) in the story had that kind of connection without good reason, it would be a problem.
posted
David Eddings (A highly acclaimed Fantasy author) had a particularly srtong relationship between the MC and his horse. It was done very well I think and added a little more realism to the overall story. I agree that over doing it could weaken the story but if it is done just right and in the right places I think it can be a valuable part of the overall story.
posted
I certainly agree that a character's relationship with his horse can be well presented and carry well throught the story. Again, my concern was raised by Rowan urging the mare not to "worry so much", as though she would understand the concept. It brought to mind scenes in the old Roy Rogers movies and TV series where Roy talked to Trigger and the horse was trained to act and respond as though it understood. It just seemed campy.
While I have been known to talk to my horses as though they were my colleagues, I simply don't recommend such dialogue in a story, at least not until the character's relationship with his mount can be established well enough for it to seem natural. And again, this is just my personal opinion. I have a scene in my book where a soldier speaks to his horse as though it had made the decision to engage an enemy, but it's evident that the character is simply trusting that the mount's sense that the enemy is close by is correct.
posted
It's true that a good rider learns to talk to the horse without using his voice. I don't think it's important, though. You also learn to use your voice when needed.
Of course, in this case it isn't. It seems like rather a bad idea to whisper in a horse's ear. So does trying to ride a horse through dense terrain as though it were countryside. He might not have a choice in the matter, I don't know. You could give us a little hint as to why he's there, though.
Overall, this is a bit better. Mostly it's just longer.
posted
Good start, my 2 cents worth concerns this passage:
"He could never quite see anything, but he knew someone was there from the feeling of eyes watching him. It was almost as if the shadows were consciously helping to keep the follower hidden. He also knew because of the prickly feeling at the base of his skull that always warned him of danger. "
This passage felt clunky. How about: "The shadows hid the follower, but he knew they were there. That prickly feeling at the base of his skull had never lied before."
posted
I think the concept and writing style is awesome so far. Two things I just want to say. If the horse is a permanent companion, then by all means make him a "good" friend to Rowan, but if not, then cut it. I do agree though, that it seems weird for him to be whispering everything to the horse. I think Rowan should be thinking those lines of dialogue, rather than speak them.
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