posted
This is a work-in-progress; I'm not sure what genre I'd call it, but it's definitely got a surreal feel to it. These are the first 13 lines (according to Word).
What does a man do when he knows he’s going to die?
I know. Because I’m going to die. At noon tomorrow.
And I’ll tell you what I did. But you probably won’t believe it.
Doom(chapter name)
It was ten o’clock on a Saturday. I was stepping out of the shower when I heard it. It was eerie, gave me that feeling you get sometimes when you know that something is out of place but you’re not sure what. Kind of like when your friend or wife says to you, “Do you notice anything different about me?”, and you know there’s something you should notice, but you can’t quite place what it is. Only it wasn’t exactly that feeling. Like I said, it was eerie. I can’t tell you exactly what it sounded like, but it did sound a lot like a door closing.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited March 15, 2006).]
posted
So far I'm intrigued, and would read further (and I will, if you have a completed story).
Nits: "I'll tell you what I did." But he hasn't done it yet! And he knows what he's GOING to do. I'm confused here with tenses. Maybe "I'll tell you what I'm going to do" or "I'll tell you what I did, when it's over." But then, either way, it's strange to start a story BEFORE the events in it happen. ?
The first big paragraph: you repeat yourself, and I get impatient. I suggest
It was ten o’clock on Saturday; I was stepping out of the shower, and I heard something. It was eerie, gave me a feeling kind of like when your friend or wife says to you, “Do you notice anything different about me?”, and you know there’s something you should notice, but you can’t place it. It sounded like a door closing.
posted
I like the concept, reminds me of the old movie, "D.O.A." I'll second Will's comments about repetitiveness. It makes us feel like we're going in circles.
The tense shift was confusing for me at first, but then I realized the narrator is introducing a flashback. You might want to re-word it a bit to make it clearer, something like: "I'll tell you how I got myself into this mess, but you'll never believe it."
posted
I'm hooked by the idea but not by some of the technical stuff. In other words, I really want to know what happens and I love the images you've given me, but I don't want to have to read through some of the uncomfortable writing to find out. (Not that your writing is horrible, but there are a few things that could use some work.)
The first few lines are too choppy. I'd suggest combining a few of the sentences to give some variation in sentence length. The best place to do that would probably be between "and I'll tell you what I did" and "but you probably won't believe it." I would also suggest taking out the line break between "at noon tomorrow" and "and I'll tell you what I did."
All together that would make:
I know. Because I’m going to die. At noon tomorrow. And I’ll tell you what I did, but you probably won’t believe it.
In general I like the first big paragraph. I love the analogy in there. Right on. The last three sentences just don't do anything though. If it "wasn't exactly that feeling" then what was it? You've just given a great analogy and now you tell me it isn't quite right. As you say, you've already told us it was eerie, you don't have to repeat. I think if you want to remind the reader of the eerie feeling, you could change the last sentence to say something like "The eerie sound vaguely reminded me of a door closing." Then I would suggest telling the reader how it is different from that.
posted
Kinda creeps me out...door closing... *shiver*. Uh, yeah, interesting beginning. Personally, I think short and choppy sentences have their place since they set a particular tone and mood. However, thrown around too much, especially at the beginning could be annoying. Here it makes that first bit almost comical, especially if you add really. Like this. "I know. Because I'm going to die. At noon tomorow. Really." lol. Does anyone else find that comical?
Er hem.
I think you were trying to make it sound suspenseful, but the "At noon tomorow" sounds like an afterthought. (which, btw is why I thought it was funny...it sounds like he's just joking and adding another piece of detail just for kicks).
I think you should cut out the "Becuase I am going to die" and just say "I know. I'll die tomorow at noon". That also changes it from the progressive tense which makes it more griping. (Ok, I really don't know what I'm talking about with that last sentence...its late and I just wrote for 2 hours...)
posted
It was ten o’clock on a Saturday. I was stepping out of the shower when I heard it. It was eerie, gave me that feeling you get sometimes when you know that something is out of place but you’re not sure what. Kind of like when your friend or wife says to you, “Do you notice anything different about me?”, and you know there’s something you should notice, but you can’t quite place what it is. Only it wasn’t exactly that feeling. Like I said, it was eerie. I can’t tell you exactly what it sounded like, but it did sound a lot like a door closing. Great Story, But Ive got a couple of things bothering me! (and Im sorry If I repeat something someone else said)
"It was ten o’clock on a Saturday." I dont like that your telling me exactly what time and what day. Writing is about showing... and this sentence doesnt seem very.... well... showy.I would hint at it if i were writing. Ex: "WIth the sun shining through the curtains, I lay back in my chair, glad there was no school" Or something like that.
"It was eerie," Again, your TELLING not showing.
"gave me that feeling you get sometimes when you know that something is out of place but you’re not sure what. Kind of like when your friend or wife says to you, “Do you notice anything different about me?”, and you know there’s something you should notice, but you can’t quite place what it is." I think that that was waaaaayyy to long of a description. And to me, It didnt seem like (no offense) it was very well worded.
I do like your story, and these are only my opinions Id be happy to read the rest of your story.
email: canadian_girl_435@hotmail.com email it to me!
posted
It was great, but didn't tell much about what was happening. All you said was what felt like was happening, but not much action.
Posts: 37 | Registered: Mar 2006
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posted
Interesting. One thing I'll say, you should try writing your chapter heading as "Chapter One: Doom" rather than the way you wrote it, even if you don't intend to have "Chapter One:" appear in the finished book. The way you did it, I honestly didn't know what you meant for the longest time
I would also have mismatched "sound" in the last line. Thus, "I can’t tell you exactly what it [was] like, but it did sound a lot like a door closing." That way, we don't think that you're comparing a sound to a similar sound, we think that you're comparing an indefinable mental sensation to a sound.
It probably wouldn't be my pot of tea even if I had time, but it looks pretty interesting.
posted
This is written well, and reads smoothly. My biggest nit is with the sentence structure. If you notice, hardly any of your first sentences have commas. This may be the style, but maybe you could sneak in one or two every once in a while. Otherwise it sounds slightly robotic.
I'll read. My e-mail's in my profile. Unfortunately, I'm not certain about how long I'll take to get back to you on it. Pretty busy these days.
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