posted
This Story is a story that I am Currently writing. Just thought Id get some feed back as I go along!
The light outside Number 7 Wickty Avenue flickered on and off as the Kongley family headed out there front door. ”Mum, where are we going at this hour?” Emily asked. ”Hush Child!” barked her mother in a quiet tone. “Oh Ciarra, you mustn’t be so rude. It was only a question,” Sam whispered to his wife. “I know Sam, but if anyone spots us running off, you know the trouble we’ll be in. We shouldn’t make this any more dangerous than it already is.” The three Kongsleys continued at a hurried pace down Wickety Avenue and stopped in front of the old bridge. ”Well, this place seems good. It’s out of the way enough that no one will see us,” Sam whispered as he grabbed his wife and
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited March 15, 2006).]
posted
Opening this piece with the family fleeing is a good start. It caught my curiosity.
'”Hush Child!” barked her mother in a quiet tone. '
I don't see how one can bark quietly. Like a dog barking, it's never quiet. Maybe 'snapped' would work better?
Right when I got to the *pop* I also thought of Harry Potter and them disapparating. Try altering how this disappearing act works.
A stronger POV would be nice. Right now it seems to be from an onlooker, watching this family run away. Not that that isn't fine in itself, but if you want that, try picking an actual character... maybe someone watching this odd event while walking his dog or something. A toss away character, even. Picking a family member would work just as well, as he/she could answer questions along the way.
* Give me a POV character immediately, and I'll like it better. (There's the rule that you don't have to do this in paragraph 1, but I don't see a reason not to here.)
* You lost me here: ”Hush Child!” barked her mother in a quiet tone.
The child asked a question -- and *I* want to know the answer. But then we don't find out what's happening until the end of this segment. The adults know, but they talk all around the issue so that we don't learn anything.
posted
I agree with the POV problem everyone else has noted. For me the opening line doesn't work. (Darn it! I can't scroll down and see it so I am going on memory) Generalizing your first sentence: "Where are we going at this hour?" Emily asked... I don't know any kid who would say, "where are we going at this hour". They might ask why I woke them up in the middle of the night, but never use the term "at this hour." I get the feeling this is supposed to be intense, so add a little environmental stuff to help develop the feel -- a crunch of leaves in the distance, a whisper on the wind -- something that breathes life into the atmosphere.
I don't know whether or not you are going for a Harry Potter feel, but I agree with everyone else that the end is "Harry Potter." Not that JK is a bad foot to follow, quite contrary she's excellent, but be careful walking that line.
posted
Like others have pointed out, we need a distinct POV character.
Also, we need more narrative in between the dialogue so we know what's going on. We need to see this family skulking about a bit, maybe even barely escaping detection once or twice, before they *pop* off to wherever they're going.
Giggles:
quote: I can't scroll down and see it so I am going on memory
If scroll your browser window down a bit, you'll see a frame with another scroll bar that lets you scroll the message and replies.
posted
You have several mechanical errors I'll point out. Seeing a piece strewn with mechanical errors always puts me off and makes me less likely to want to read.
The light outside Number 7 Wickty Avenue flickered on and off as the Kongley family headed out there front door. (as pointed out, the spelling in the word "Wickty" doesn't feel correct.... this, however, is a personal thing. The fact that you have spelled the word "their" incorrectly in the same sentence adds to my doubts. 'There' is a location. 'Their' is possession.
”Hush Child!” barked her mother in a quiet tone. You need to use commas to set off any proper name stuck in the middle of a sentence. Thus, your sentence becomes: "Hush, child..." Normally you would use a pair of commas, but in this case you have an exclamation mark which serves as a replacement to one of the commas. I suggest you use a lower case "c" instead of upper case, as an upper case "C" indicates the word "child" is a title, like Holy Child or Golden Child. As someone else has observed, you can't bark in a quiet tone. She could whisper, snap, or hiss... but not bark.
“Oh Ciarra, you mustn’t be so rude. It was only a question,” Sam whispered to his wife. Again, set off the proper name with a set of commas: "Oh, Ciarra, you mustn't be..."
“I know Sam, but if anyone spots us running off, you know the trouble we’ll be in. We shouldn’t make this any more dangerous than it already is.” At this point your use of proper names is becoming a bit tedious. In most conversation with people we know intimately, we don't use the person's name. However, if you leave the name Sam in place, be sure to set it off with a pair of commas: "I know, Sam, but..."
”Well, this place seems good. It’s out of the way enough that no one will see us,” Sam whispered as he grabbed his wife and daughters arm and pulled them closer. I presume the wife and the daughter both own separate arms, and do not share the same arm. You'll want to make the number of arms match the plural nature of what Sam is grabbing. "...as he grabbed the arms of his wife and daughter..."
The three of them disappeared, leaving nothing behind but their muddy footprints in the grass. Nice little hook, promises to be a fun read. I echo the others that this has a definite Potteresque feel to it.
posted
I just want to say this is sounds like Harry Potter (I like to reiterate an already made point). You start exactly the same way as Harry Potter, which is with a home address "Number 7 Wickty Avenue". I don't know if that is just the way English people do it or not, but as an American I read that and think about the only English book I have ever read.
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posted
That was kinda bad. Are they running for no reason? Do we ever get to find out? You should stop writing multiple stories that suck, and write one story that's half decent. That is all.
Posts: 37 | Registered: Mar 2006
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