posted
Okay, here it is, my first 13. This is the start of what will hopefully be a short story. I know it is rough, and expect to complete plenty of revisions.
Would anyone be interested in reading the entire thing when it is complete.
Thanks
The book was his! Falcon darted down the sunset darkened streets toward the abandoned building that was home. He had successfully avoided both the wandering gangers and the King’s Royal Patrols to enter the Magically sealed estate and claim this prize. Clutching the worn leather cover close to his chest, he smiled. His carefully worded questions regarding the estate had paid off, but the appearance of the Scarlet seal confirmed his suspicions as well as forcing him to act. Time was no longer the friend to the contents of Lord Cargorns empty estate. Falcon’s rucksack bumped heavily against his back. Of course, the estate offered more comforts than just the powerful spell book within his grasp. Gwyneth would be pleased with the
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited March 23, 2006).]
I wanted to know sooner why the book was so important to him. You might want to start a bit earlier in the story and show him actually getting the book. Starting where you do, you need to give us too much back history in the first 13 lines so we know what is happening. There is an information overload.
"Falcon darted down the sunset darkened streets toward the abandoned building that was home." I really liked that description although "sunset darkened" didn't work too well for me.
"He had successfully avoided both the wandering gangers and the King’s Royal Patrols to enter the Magically sealed estate and claim this prize."
What's a "gagner?" What Estate? Why is is Magically sealed? How did Falcon get into and out of it?
Clutching the worn leather cover close to his chest, he smiled. His carefully worded questions regarding the estate had paid off, but the appearance of the Scarlet seal confirmed his suspicions as well as forcing him to act. Time was no longer the friend to the contents of Lord Cargorns empty estate. Falcon’s rucksack bumped heavily against his back. Of course, the estate offered more comforts than just the powerful spell book within his grasp. Gwyneth would be pleased with the fine spider lace gown and silver lamps.
Who is "Gwyneth"? Why do I care that she will be pleased? What does the Scarlet seal mean? Why all the odd capitallizations?
posted
You can feel free to regard or disregard this as you like; different people have different approaches to producing a short story. However, I would recommend finishing writing the story before beginning to polish the opening.
Often, as a story is written, we find that it didn't start in quite the right place, or that it took a different direction in some way that we didn't expect. Then we have to come back and rewrite the beginning, losing all the work on the polishing. Not only that, but in the search for the perfect opening, the story itself is often never written.
My next comment reflects this. It looks to me as though this story may be starging in the wrong place. Instead of having to fill us in on so much backstory (the theft and escape) right off, it might be better to actually start with him trying to steal the book. This has a couple of benefits. First, it lets you write about what must have been an exciting and dangerous venture. Second, it would hopefully allow you to introduce us to your world more slowly and gently. As this stands, there is just too much new information to absorb in the fragment -- too many new terms and characters to grasp right away and hold onto throughout the story.
posted
Your narrative ordering of events is completely broken. Right now, it looks like you need to unlearn a thing or two that you've learned somewhere or other. I can't say that you're starting in the wrong place...but the current text gives that impression very strongly.
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posted
Thanks everyone for your insightful comments. I am a very newbie writer Survivor, so I've picked up all of my bad habits completely on my own. I have been researching and reading some recommended books on writing though so hopefully this initial roughness will be shortlived.
Thanks too Minister for the suggestions, in my original begining the story starts with Falcon stealing the book, but I had discarded that as being too boring. I should've listened to my first workshop instructor who wisely said to "trust my instincts," eh. I do have a complete detailed outline for the rest of the story though, so it will get completed.
King's Falcon, it was good to hear too, that even with all of the problems in such a clunky start that you would be still willing to read the rest of it. I do want to address the problems within the start and complete the rest of the tale, Likewise, I would do the same for you, if you would not mind such a greenie review of your work.
posted
I was really confused with this piece. There is a lot shoved into 13 lines, lots of telling not ‘nuff showing. An example:
quote: He had successfully avoided both the wandering gangers and the King’s Royal Patrols to enter the Magically sealed estate and claim this prize
Tell us about this journey. Plus I don’t know who the gangers are or why they would be trying to get you.
Also, at first we are following Falcon to his home then in the next sentence we are being told about the magically sealed estate. That was confusing.
The next paragraph starts with a passive sentence:
quote: Clutching the worn leather cover close to his chest, he smiled
Active: He smiled as he clutched the worn leather cover close to his chest.
The rest of this paragraph is really confusing:
quote:His carefully worded questions regarding the estate had paid off, but the appearance of the Scarlet seal confirmed his suspicions as well as forcing him to act. Time was no longer the friend to the contents of Lord Cargorns empty estate.
Okay, I know nothing at this point about his carefully worded questions, and I am not being told anything about them. What Scarlet seal? Who is Lord Cargorns, and why has his best friend Time abandoned him, did he loan money to Time? Never a good idea.
There does not seem to be a logical flow at this point. It seems like a good sketch of some scenes to be pulled together but not as first 13. IMHO, the first thirteen could start with the grabbing of the book and his panicked flight. It would grab our attention and leave us wondering why he was running, why the book was important, etc. It wouldn’t however leave us with so many open ended questions.
posted
Okay, here is a rewrite of the first scene.
Falcon flattened himself on the damp ground. His breath hissed through chattering teeth as a thorny vine bit through his velvet coat. Gripping the rusted ironwork of the ornamental fence with his right hand, he carefully parted the overgrown hedge with his left to better view the street. It was a small group of swaying drunks that were passing dangerously close, herded by a bored, but tolerant pair of the King’s Patrol. A sleek rat burst through the undergrowth only a few steps from Falcon’s head and directly under the nearest guard’s horse causing it to sidestep on the frosty cobbles of the road.
posted
Better. Throw in a little POV information to tell us why as well as what and you'll have an effective narrative.
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posted
Thanks Survivor and Pixydust. I am still working and reworking the story to incorporate all that has been said.
It is an interesting job trying to find the right balance between too much and not enough. But I think that will come along as I figure out the appropriate pacing of the unfolding of a tale.
Pixydust, I enjoy reading the "Sword,"and have found some great help there as well.
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