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This is a short story and am looking for someone to give it a read. 2,432 words
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Pierre sat on the veranda and looked up into the cloudless night sky. Out in the distance, shadows fell upon the ground from the large weeping willows that lined the garden. The moon shone down on the mausoleum in the center of the garden and clearly illuminated the statue of a beautiful maiden surrounded by rose bushes. Every night for the past month he had come to sit in this spot, leaned up against the stone pillar and stare into the garden for any sign of movement—any sign that she had returned.
He fiddled mindlessly with the laces on his boots and stared blankly into the distance. He had performed the awakening ritual just as the old man who lived in the
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If you aren't in a hurry for the critique, I'll read. You can send it to me at buce@charter.net
Posts: 2026 | Registered: Mar 2005
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Is this posted over at LH? I can't get to it until the beginning of next week, hope that's okay, but I'll read.
Posts: 811 | Registered: Jan 2005
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Go ahead and identify her (presumably the occupant of the mausoleum?) by name or her relationship to Pierre (or both). Other than that minor clarity point, this is a really good opening. I'll check back later.
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
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A veranda, by the definition in the dictionary, is simply a porch, or balcony. Not designated as the front or the back.
Posts: 341 | Registered: Jan 2006
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I'll read it too if you still need more eyes on it. You can email me at kings_falcon@yahoo.com. I will get you feedback by Monday.
Posts: 1210 | Registered: Feb 2006
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I'm with Survivor. Is there a reason you don't disclose her name and relationship with Pierre? You can send it my way if you need another reader. wolf_dude64@yahoo.com
Posts: 266 | Registered: Mar 2004
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I liked it, I don't see why the identity of the girl has to be revealed in the first 13. There's nothing confusing about, I want to read more to find out who she is.
Sounds like you have a lot of reviewers but if you would like another email it to rohanjt@yahoo.com.
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I felt like the girl was a mystery to the man so I liked that more wasn't reaveled. If she turns out to be his wife of twenty years, then I might be disappointed, but from what I see, I like the vagueness about the girl.
Posts: 303 | Registered: Mar 2006
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