posted
Hello. I've been thinking of a story for some time, and now I'd like to write it. Yeah, it's that simple. Here are a few lines from the first paragraph. In manuscript this added up to 11 lines. Someone please tell me if I'm right.
I found my muse on the wall adjacent to room 312. He was attired in crisp green cotton from foot to shoulder, and devoid of unkempt articles and loose appendages. Across the waste and chest were cumbersome belts beard effortlessly against his rigid posture. The left hand held his rifle at the forestock, keeping it low to his waste. In a pose reminiscent to Thor, he griped his hammer with the right hand and perched the instrument’s head on his shoulder; and suggestive to Bunyan, he towered over all man, tree and creation. Yet too his own majesty, he could only express a quaint smile, which narrowly escaping the shadow of his helmet, implied that all his greatness did not satisfy his appetite.
[This message has been edited by Green_Writer (edited March 19, 2006).]
posted
What kind of assistance would you like? And how long is your story?
On the assumption you're looking for popular fiction publication . . .
Give us some attitude from the narrator. How does she (or is it he?) feel about seeing this man hanging on the wall? (Or is it a picture of a man?) How does she know it's her muse? Maybe (not sure) I'd want to know, why is she in this hall?
I'd start skipping if I read this much physical description: I want to know what he looks like, but once I get "arrogant warrior" that's all I'd really care about.
posted
Do you think those questions should be answerable within the first paragraph (idealy)? If so, I'll work on it.
The narrator is a male, who upon leaving his dorm room finds a WW2 recruiting poster hanging on the wall in his hallway. I really wanna know if the writing is smooth, and the description is vivid. What characteristics does the person on the poster have? (strong, weak).
The story will entail the narrator going to war for the sake of becoming the man he saw on the poster. He believes that is a picture of a true man. However when he goes into war he learns that manhood is something completely different.
[This message has been edited by Green_Writer (edited March 19, 2006).]
posted
I think your writing is technically quite beautiful (though I think there are a couple errors here and there). You've got good sentence structure and you dive into some good description. I think it might be too much description though. The first sentence particularly grabs me, but after that the interest starts fading a little. Describing the muse's appearance doesn't need to take so long. Physical description is good to give the reader a mental image to hang onto. But usually the appearance isn't the main draw of a character. In this sort of description, if you can get the idea across in one sentence instead of five, do so.
After the first sentence the things I want to know are who the main character is, why this character has a muse, what sort of a person the muse is (the description you gave was almost completely on the surface, not about who the guy is), and why he is on the wall.
You say in your comment that this is a WW2 poster. I didn't pick that up from your paragraph. I think it's important to get this across in the first paragraph.
posted
The idea of finding the muse on the wall is interesting. I like that. The description could be more concise, especially since this is the introduction to the story.
"and devoid of unkempt articles and loose appendages." -- This is unnecessary. The crisp green cotton is enough, I think.
"Across the waste and chest were cumbersome belts beard effortlessly against his rigid posture." The cumbersome belts beard confused me...
The rest of the description, the right and left hand stuff, isn't really necessary unless you're trying for a style that emphasizes lots of description and detail. I see that a lot in classic literature, but not so much in fantasy. I think you can trim it down and get right to some sort of action, to really draw the reader in. It's a lovely description, and I like all the details, but I just don't think it serves as enough of a hook...
However, it's very hard to tell where something is going from the first thirteen lines. You can email me a longer section of your story if you like, and I can try to give better feedback.
posted
I second the comments already given. I think that it is important to tell us that it's a poster, since (as I've personally come to find out) people don't like not to know something so big. Unless its absolutely necessary for the story, then proceed with caution.
I would also suggest was the muse is interesting. Throw us in a comment about the importance so I know that there is something to look forward to.
posted
Although I don't need all the answers in the 1st 13 lines, I do want everything that's been said to be easy to understand. (I also want to know why I care; which usually means, why the main character cares.)
It would be easy to put in much of this information, without even serious rewrite. Just tell the reader what you told us. This is to show what I mean -- *not* to write your story for you; I just want to illustrate my point:
quote:I found my muse upon leaving my dorm room one morning, in a vintage World War II recruiting poster that was posted for such-and-such reason [or had been there all along? not sure where you're going with that]. [Why did I say vintage? So we'll know WWII is long ago -- poeple will want to know what decade we;re in, more or less.]
[There's a cliched plot about a writer meeting his muse, the spirit that gives him inspiration to write, and I got an immediate "not again" reaction when I saw the word "muse." "Inspiration"?]
He was a World War II soldier, attired such=and-such way . . . He looked [strong, heroic, devil-may-care, whatever you're going for here].
A picture of a true man. [Be sure we know why MC thinks this.] More than anything, I wanted to *be* him.
[Then we get to why.]
You can put in a great deal of information in the story very quickly. But what detail? Certainly anything the reader will feel lost without (such as where this is taking place). Also, the significance of what's happening. If MC were singing a song and crying, we'd want to know what he associates the song with, so we could cry with him. Here, MC's looking at a poster; I want to know what it means to him. The physical description of the soldier only matters to me, to the degree that it shows us why MC's interested.
By the way, I'm really intrigued with what you intend to do here -- let us know when you have a completed story. I'd also be willing to look over a smaller chunk, if you like.
posted
Thank you all for the feedback thus far. Please allow me to make a few comments in response. The reason that I have given a lavish description to this man on the poster is two fold: first and foremost, it is a key description to the story. The narrator will meet a person like this (a sergeant), and will try to become him. Secondly, I lean toward the schools of Hawthorne and Crane. I enjoy lavish description (so long as its interesting and I follow through the description with appropriate action.) When the "illusion" remains intact, I know the description is good.
Most of the story will take place within 1 day, but will have references to the events leading up to the narrator's decisions. This is one such event, and I've yet to decide if this should start the story or not. I like to believe a story should start with a slight hint to its meaning. I've considered writing a very short four line poem to start out the story, but I don't know about that. It would have to be very concise and sharp, or else it will through off the reader immediately.
Anyhow, thanks for your feedback and I'll fill you all in on more as I progress in the story. In the meantime I'll enjoy reading your excerpts and returning the favor .
PS: The man described is from a recruiting poster for the Army engineering core. Here's a link to the image:
posted
Ah, I wondered if the entire story was meant to be in descriptive old-fashioned prose... In that case, I think I'd need to see a lot more than the first thirteen lines in order to give you a decent critique of it. I read a lot of old literature, Dostoevsky and some 18th century and victorian era stuff, and all of it uses prose styles that would never conform to the 13-lines-to-draw-the-reader-in standard of this workshop.
But I do think it might be a good idea to mention early on that it is a recruiting poster, as Bunyan and Thor completely threw me onto the wrong track. Anyhoo, you can email me a longer excerpt at snowfire16@aol.com, if you like. Best of luck with it!
posted
The first line got me. You lost me in the redundancy of the description. While I like a lot of description (and have been accused of info dumping myself ), I'd toggle it back a bit. I don't have to know all the details of the picture now especially if it is important to the MC and he will keep coming back to it.
Also, if the poster is an inspiration for the course of his life, is it really a "muse?" Muses inspired the arts.
Nits:
"and devoid of unkempt articles and loose appendages" - detracts from the first part of the sentance and is redundant.
"waste" = waist.
"cumbersome belts beard effortlessly against his rigid posture." - I don't know what you mean and can't visualize the image.
"In a pose reminiscent to Thor" - it is "of Thor" and the analogies are too thick. He has a hammer and a rifle?
"suggestive to Bunyan, he towered over all man, tree and creation." - Too much analogy. You don't need the reference to Paul Bunyan.
That being said, you did get me interested. Just clean up the description.
posted
The first sentence threw me. The term "Muse" as Kings_Falcon mentioned is not the correct term and I was also confused as to the relevance of the room 312 reference. Could it be mentioned that this is a dorm room?
I liked the description of the image, I pictured the MC walking out his door and being dumbstruck by this image of the soldier. So dumbstruck that he studied the image long enough to conjure up this description.
posted
I did not like the word muse either. It made me expect a totally different story than what we got, which made me a bit confused. I think that if the image is the driving point of the story, all of the description is a very good thing. But I might focus on how little details affect him (like how the uniform makes him think of courage or something). That might make the description seem more relevant.
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I like that. The description could be more concise, especially since this is the introduction to the story.
