1. Prologue: An Evil Brood

It is hard to say what attraction she held.

I have wooed goddesses, and won them; they have wound their fair arms around me, when their husbands have been away. There are not so many, among the gods, that I have not cuckolded, one time or more. And I have a wife of my own, even if she bores me with her household cares.

Why, then, did I dally with a monstrous witch?

I have wooed goddesses, and won them; they have wound their fair arms around me, when their husbands have been away. There are not so many, among the gods, that I have not cuckolded, one time or more. And I have a wife of my own, even if she bores me with her household cares.

Why, then, did I dally with a monstrous witch?

"they have wound their fair arms around me, when their husbands have been away" You dont need a comma there unless you add an 'ofcourse' at the end of the sentence. And i also dont really like the word 'fair' in their. They are goddesses, 'fair' is not worthy of a so called 'godess'

"that I have not cuckolded," It might just be me, but I dont know what cuuckolded means, and it would just confuse me, I think you should use a more common word.

Your story is very good and has great potential. I'd offer to read it all, but im currently editing 4 other stories and writing one of my own. Sorry! Bye!

I don't understand your point about cuckolding, and the lack of focus of the paragraph. For me, everything in it concentrates on the fact that the narrator believes he is capable of winning any woman he wants, if he turns his mind to it, so can you clarify why you think it's unfocussed?

wbriggs - nothing remotely graphic in this; it's myth, and myth is blunt, but hardly graphic.

Personally, I liked the opening. I thought the suggestion of hoptoad's was an improvement - "some of them twice" or "some more than once" works well.

Not sure where the setting of the story will be but if it is strongly in the mythic world you could substitute something more vague for "household cares" - maybe mundane concerns or something that is in keeping with the style. Hard to tell with 13 lines

I would rewrite the below line to:
There are not so many among the gods I have not cuckolded, at least a time or two.

And I have a wife of my own, even if she bores me with her household cares.
This line I would end at bores me and begin with 'I'; unless it's important that we know she is a homebody it is sufficient to know that she fails to keep him happy. It involves the reader more to let them fill in the reason he's bored with her.

One final thought. Perhaps draw us into the pantheon of Gods you are using (which also places us in the world)by saying something along the lines of Besides Zeus (insert commonly known name here) there are not so many Gods...

I would have read on, for what it's worth.

If I had the time to read, I would. I'm looking forward to a chance in the future, though (he happens to be a favorite god of mine in that particular mythology).

It used to mean a man whose wife had borne another man's child and the husband was the last to know. Connotations of public humiliation.

Nowadays though it means a man with an unfaithful wife and implies that he is too weak to do anything about it.

It comes from observations of the European cuckoo, where the females will wander from thir own nest and lay eggs in another bird's nest to be raised by them then return to their own nest and their gormless mate. Somehow this came to represent unfaithfulness rather than the strategy of not keeping all your eggs in one basket.

In Mediterranean countries (read Greece and Italy), to make a fist with index finger and pinky extended (the heavy metal 'satan' symbol) is a rude gesture. It means basically 'may your wife take a lover' and represents the 'horns of a cuckold', but I don't know exactly what that means or where it comes from.

edit: spelling

Cuckold is an unusual word, but not extremely uncommon. It's the perfect kind of word a writer would use instead of a more verbose description.

Part of using a word correctly involves more than just looking up the definition the dictionary, though. The user needs to understand how the word is typically applied, if there are common turns of phrase including it, etc.

The verb cuckolded means to be made a cuckold -- the subject can be either a man who seduces the husband's wife or the wife by becoming an adulterer, so in this case it is used absolutely correctly.

Edit: fixed typos

[This message has been edited by Omakase (edited March 24, 2006).]

My dictionary did not go into the detail that you have in your post for the word cuckolded, so I'll have to take your word for it. I have seen the word used several times in the past, and was not confused by it until now. I'm not sure this is the forum to discuss whether we agree with each other's feedback. If you want to open a thread in the Discussions section on the proper use of the word cuckolded--that would be fine.

It is hard to say what attraction she held.

1.) DOESN'T BEGIN WITH P.O.V. (as does sentence two; “ I have wooed…”)
2.) TOO WORDY (too many words-simplify)
3.) TOO ABSTRACT (generic, unmemorable wording)
4.) NO RESONANCE (no connections to the last line, that you also set apart;

Why, then, did I dally …witch?

5.) POOR PHONETIC FLOW (hard-say, attraction-held)
Try something like this;

“I wonder what power she possesses?”

1.) P.O.V. (First, or early)
2.) SIMPLIFY (5 words-2 words)(“It is hard to say”- “I wonder”)
3.) EVOKE (Words that evoke images, feelings…) (hard, say, attraction, held –WONDER, POWER, SHE POSSESSES)
4.) RESONATE (Connect, support, foreshadow… other lines) (power-witch)
5.) PHONETICS (wonder-what, power-possesses)
The second sentence was too long (for me) to digest at once. I recommend splitting it into two separate sentences. Allah Card) <smile> Also, contractions might be in order. You have 5 ‘haves’ in three consecutive sentences. They’re too visible… I’m seeing words, instead of scenes! My prologue got pretty much the same response…not enough showing. I tried for a dialog prolog like Ender’s Game has. I think I simplified too much. I punched it up with some scenery, and tags. I will post the edit soon.

Below is an example of (ONE) way my advice (MIGHT) apply. (Again, my way is (NOT) the only way, nor necessarily the best way)

“I wonder what power she possesses?”

I’ve wooed goddesses, and won them. They’ve wound their wondrous arms around me while their husbands were away. Few are the goddesses I’ve not frolicked with… some more than once. I have a wife… even if sometimes she bores me with her household cares.

“Why, then, do I dally with this witch?”

1.)P.O.V.(early)(10th word ‘I’-5th word “I’ve’) “Few are the goddesses I’ve…”
2.)SIMPLIFY (contractions) I have, They have-I’ve, they’ve(4-2)have been-were(2-1) There are not so many among–Few are(6-2)that I have not cuckolded–I’ve not frolicked with)(5-4)
3.)EVOKE (fair-WONDROUS)(when-WHILE)(cuckolded-FROLICKED)
4.)RESONATE (WOOED – FROLICKED – DALLY)
5.)PHONETICS (wonder-what, power-possesses, wooed-won-wound-wondrous-while-were-away, them-they’ve-their-their, why-with-witch, then-this, this-witch)

[This message has been edited by SimonSays (edited March 27, 2006).]

The lack of contractions is deliberate; one of a number of techniques I use to slow the pace, to try and get the reader too both savour, and think about, the text

I'm intrigued that you're suggesting I actually include morealliteration, when I had thought I was pretty much "pushing the envelope" (for most tastes) already - again, there's a reason it's there (it's supposed to be an echo of genuine Norse poetry, in which alliteration was an integral part of most metrical structures - though I have no intention of going absolutely mad and trying to write the whole thing in malahattr or drottkvaet...). Likewise, "not so many" rather than "few" is intended to echo the style of the sagas.