posted
So far this is a work in progress, but I have about 1000 words so far. Well, pretty much just want to see what you think of the first 13 lines...
Paul came upon his wife as the sun began to set. Her limp body stretched out on a wooden cross with dried blood that seeped from the nails in her wrists and feet. Tears dripped off his chin as he crumbled to the ground in shock; he was too late. The desert winds wrapped sand around him, as he stared at the silhouette of her body strapped to the symbol of everything he believed in. The smell of a rotten corpse filled his nose, it made him retch till he had no more food, and the body tried to bring up any vile that was left. Crows perched on the shoulders of the cross, picked at the loose flesh they been working on. He clenched his eyes shut in hopes that this was all just a dream. “No god, not her… please.” He whispered, but here he was alone, kneeled in her shadow.
posted
You've got my interest, no doubt about it. A few comments:
"...dried blood that seeped from the nails in her wrists and feet."
Dried blood does not seep. Nor does it seep from nails - this could be more clearly written. "Blood that had seeped from her wrists and feet." Nix the nails. We know what caused the blood to seep.
"...and the body tried to bring up any vile that was left."
I seriously doubt this. The body, after all, is dead. You mean, of course, Paul, but that is not the way it reads.
...picked at flesh they had been working on.
How about -"Picked at rotten shreds of flesh."
Good scene to really amp up the "euuuuww" factor. Ya might mention the missing eyes already eaten by the crows or her skin moving with the rhythmic waves of maggots - that sort of thing.
Ya got me hooked though, I DO want to know where this is going. Good job.
[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited March 28, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited March 28, 2006).]
posted
I don't care for gore, but that's just me. I *do* care for knowing what's happening. Paul doesn't seem particularly surprised to see her this way. Why?
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Something about the first sentence bugged me. It seemed very much like we are jumping right into the middle of the action, we are being told that he was looking for her (he came upon her) and that he must have been looking for her probably all day (as the sun began to set).
Is it possible that the start of this story could be where he started to look for her. I'm torn here though because I like the shock of it.
The next part, "desert winds wrapped sand..." hints again at something that maybe we should be told about. Also, in this paragraph I think its a distracting piece of scenery when you probably want to get right into the action.
The "...hopes that this was all just a dream" is cliche, but probably true in this case. Maybe its possible to try to make us see this overwhelming moment clearer. Two cent suggestion, maybe have him try to shake her awake.
"Kneeled in her shadow" shouldn't that be Kneeling in her shadow?
posted
This is my first post in this forum, so please excuse my inexperience. The first thirteen definately caught my attention, although I am not one for blood and gore. Couple of things. Paul would vomit bile, not vile. "god" should be capitalized as "God" the line that begins "the desert wind..." is a little distracting and takes away from the opening. Maybe something to fit the tone like "sand stung him, carried on the howling desert wind." Something like that anyway...
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posted
It's certainly an arresting beginning; I'd read on.
I would like to know if crucifixion is normal practice or not. Paul's reaction doesn't really tell me, and I'd like a clearer idea of setting and time - all I've got is a woman nailed to a cross in a desert, and a grieving husband called "Paul", which gives a huge amount of leeway from Biblical times (the obvious guess from crucifixion... but the obvious isn't always right) to the future.
posted
You need to tell us where this happens, and give us a bit of background information through the POV. What does it mean that she's been crucified? He knows who did this, or at least he knew it was probable that someone would. Don't hide that from us.
I didn't get that it was early Christian, this reads more like post-apocalyptic to me, but I haven't definitely made up my mind. The fact that you've got two such radically different interpretations probably means that you need more scene establishment and POV information, but for now I'll leave it at that.
Too much gore...a body crucified in or near the desert doesn't become all that offensive (bad, yes, but...), and he cares more about the fact that this is his wife than about the mess. You can get up close and personal with the gore when he tries to bury her, right now you need to concentrate on the murder of his wife, including the murderers.
posted
Okay...you got my attention! There are some good things in this opening: We sense that Paul is not overly surprised at finding his wife nailed to a cross; it is implied that she may not be the first victim. These types of things hooked me in, made me want to read more.
Some stuff to tighten up: "Paul came upon his wife as the sun began to set." This makes it sound like he just happened upon her; and I doubt he is just wandering through the desert on a stroll...so maybe he 'found her' instead?
"Tears dripped off his chin as he crumbled to the ground in shock; he was too late." The tears dripping from his chin didn't resonate with me...I tried to imagine myself finding my spouse this way. Many people in shock actually don't cry...maybe they moan, or collapse, or see black spots in front of their eyes; but usually tears come later.
"The smell of a rotten corpse filled his nose, it made him retch till he had no more food, and the body tried to bring up any vile that was left." This is nit-picky...but I thought you could edit this down. Maybe 'The rotten corpse's smell overwhelmed him.' (We know smells fill the nose!). Tighten this whole thing up. Instead of vile, I think you meant 'bile.'
"Crows perched on the shoulders of the cross, picked at the loose flesh they been working on." You can delete 'they had been working on.'
posted
Wow, thanks for all the replies, they are very helpful. Right now I'm just trying to get the scene with him and his wife across, but in the next paragraph you know where hes at and whats going on.
This is just a little short story, about a very religous journalist that goes to Juresalem (if I spelt that right) in search for a deeper truth in christianity, and instead meets a muslim girl. This story as you can see takes off on the climax, and than slowly slows down to a resolution of whats going on. I would of started earlier, but everything that happens before well be kind of glimpsed upon, not by flashbacks, but in his understanding of religion.
This is just a kind of mess around piece, sort of a distraction from my book I'm working on, for a little bit. Again thanks for all the advice, it was very helpful, exactly what I was looking for.
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