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Greetings and salutations to my fellow hatrackers! Here are the first thirteen lines of a short story I finished lately (a total of 1, 316 words). The genre of this short story is “Fairy Tale”. I just wanted to hear what everyone thinks of the beginning and whether there are any glaring problems/mistakes. Does it read well? Confusing? I’ve read it so often the words are beginning to blur, so I need a fresh pair of eyes! Thanks in advance, Quiz ------------- I kept my eyes trained forward on the orange glow of light and my ears pricked to the tumult of voices ahead of me. The passage had not been used for the best part of a century and my quick footsteps were muffled by the thick layer of suffocating dust. I found the doorway. I knew it would be there, my whole family knew of its existence, but I’m sure I was the first to actively seek it out in years. Through it I could see a long balcony running the length a cavernous hall. Pressed close to this balcony were long wooden screens, effectively hiding what was beyond. They had been erected before I was born, a makeshift barrier to hide what had been the minstrel gallery. Posts: 14 | Registered: May 2005
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This is nicely written, but the style doesn't seem right for a fairy tale to me.
It's clear to me what the character is doing, but I don't know why it is important (and I suspect that the character does). What is behind the door? Why hasn't anyone sought it out in years?
Right now, it has some nice description, but it doesn't really draw me in and make me want to keep reading.
Firstly, Susannaj4 : Meticulous. Sounds rather like me, I’m afraid I am a Virgo – perfectionist *sigh*. However, the fact that you had to read it more than once does not bode well. Does meticulous = tedious?
RedSakana: Thank you for welcoming me to hatrack. I’m glad to be back, I used to be part of the under-18s forum until that got shut down. I know this does not sound like a fairy tale. My intention was a fairy tale plot but without the nauseating “One upon a time . . . “lingo.
Now for the bomb-shell. For the duration of my short story I give my MC neither a name, an age nor a gender. What the . . . ?! I hear you cry. I left all this information out because I meant for everyone who read it to place themselves as this character. Being such a short story I felt that stopping to say “my name is so-and-so” and I am “such-and-such an age” would become cumbersome.
Having read your comments, I wonder if anyone would be interested in reading the whole of the story? Seeing as I can’t add more than my first 13 lines I am unable to explain that there IS a good reason for what my character is doing and why no one has looked for this door in so long (in fact it is the crux of the tale). I’m hoping that if you are curious about this, it means you want to read more.
Now, I believe I can send the whole short story to you via your e-mail. However, having never really done this before, how do I go about getting your e-mail? Computers are not my forte.
Quiz
[This message has been edited by Quizzical (edited April 11, 2006).]
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For e-mailing: If you look at the top of a post, it gives the date and time of the post and then has 3 icons: one with a question mark, one with an envelope and one with a pencil and paper. Click on the one with an envelope and another window will open saying the e-mail address for x is x.
Posts: 303 | Registered: Mar 2006
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quote:For the duration of my short story I give my MC neither a name, an age nor a gender. What the . . . ?! I hear you cry. I left all this information out because I meant for everyone who read it to place themselves as this character.
This doesn't actually work. It's one of those ideas like jamming on the brakes to stop your car stop faster, intuitively appealing to most people, but incorrect and often fatal in practice. First off, first person is the one voice that readers can never accept as being about themselves. I can (and have) heard quite a few stories about myself told in the third person (and even 3PLO). How often do you hear stories about yourself told in the first person? Oh, and how annoying is it when somebody actually does that?
There are reasons to use first person. This isn't one of them.
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Susannaj4 : "How long is it?" - In answer to your question, the story is 1, 316 words long meaning roughly three full pages of Times New Roman in font size 12.
Survivor: Okay then, no first person narrative. I can see your point about this aspect and will puzzle over it some more. If I were simply (ha ha) to change the story to 3POV, this would mean that I'd have to at least give a gender and most probably a name as well. . . Not exactly what I intended but if everyone is in agreement that 1POV is "annoying",I'll do my best to change it.
Sholar: Thank you kindly.
[This message has been edited by Quizzical (edited April 12, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Quizzical (edited April 12, 2006).]
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Definitely. Hiding (or not creating) such basic detail makes us feel distanced from the character. I can relate much better to someone of a different race, sex, etc., than to someone who doesn't ahve these things.
Other issue: MC knows why he's doing these things. I don't, so I can't care whether he succeeds (whatever it is he might be trying to succeed at). Just tell us.
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Susannaj4: Good grief, that was quick! Thank you for having a look at it, and I’m glad you liked the story despite the POV problem.
Thanks for all your critiques. It might be some time before I get the second draft out to you with all the suggestions taken into account. Partly because it will take a bit of time to change the story to a third person narrative. Also I’ve been procrastinating and need to get my butt into gear if I’m to finish my history essay. To what extent was FDR’s New Deal a positive impact on workers’ rights, 1865 – 1985? Not looking forward this at all.
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Oh, and while this particular reason for the "no name or gender thing" isn't specifically addressed, I will direct your attention to Roger MacBride Allen's list ofStandard Deviations. I think this is one of the most valuable short articles on writing I've ever seen. Even though I only directed you to the section on hiding the character's identity, I recommend that everyone read the entire article whenever beginning a writing project.
And I agree that your instructor is a sadist asking a trick question that only a truly perverted mind could invent.
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