posted
I’m hoping to send this novella (25,000 words) off to F&SF soon. I would appreciate anyone volunteering to read at least part one (9000 words).
Here, what I want your opinions on is whether I should start with story background or a description of the aliens, one of whom is my pov.
I can’t seem to get an underline to post so I’m using __word__ to show underlining.
Story first , version –
__Disease__. It was a new word. A new concept. A terrifyingly alien way to die. This strange infirmity had recently come inside the deme’s fanatically guarded borders and now had struck in the deepest levels belowground. What it was, how it spread, was unknown.
“Have we seen enough?” one of the healers asked.
__Had they?__ Rocise wondered.
Medicine and Military, the demelord’s closest advisers, masters of the deme’s most powerful work divisions, were locked in a quarrel over how to handle this alien threat. Medicine wanted live specimens and time to find an answer that would allow people to recover from this deadly new disorder. Military demanded a writ to use the
Description of the aliens first, version –
__Disease__. It was a new word. A new concept. A terrifyingly alien way to die. This strange infirmity had recently come inside the deme’s fanatically guarded borders and now had struck in the deepest levels belowground. What it was, how it spread, was unknown.
“Have we seen enough?” one of the healers asked.
__Had they?__
Rocise looked down. Deit, Rescue Team Three’s kommes expert, lay shivering and naked on the makeshift table. White skin, white hair—eyes white with fear. Two days ago Deit had been normal. Now a long streak of dark blue mottling ran down her right arm. On her left arm, raw strips bled where the healers scraped off skin samples.
umm...changed "steak" to "streak" of dark blue
[This message has been edited by arriki (edited February 22, 2006).]
posted
I vote for a description of the aliens (the second version). In that one, you've given me someone to care about.
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posted
Second version. By showing us the aliens AND what the disease is doing to them you can accomplish two things at once and add a great deal to the tension and interest.
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posted
Agree; the second approach is the one to take. It personalises the problem, making it far more real than having a couple of high-ranking people arguing (in summary) about it. Much more involving.
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posted
Regarding sores: I'm a good test case for that, because I'm pretty squeamish. It didn't bother me.
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posted
Ummm..."deme" is an English word. Not capitalized. It's also the root of the "dem" in democracy.
I didn't want to use clan or tribe. They sound far too small. The deme the story takes place within has a population in the millions. Clan and tribe just don't fit -- in my view.
posted
I was wondering...because of the theme of disease and illness in the first 13 line, do you guys think this is going to be a medical story?
It's actually an action-adventure story with explosions and fighting and shooting and all. I worry that that is not going to come through this latest opening. Would it help if I changed the title to "Alien Rescue: an adventure" -- ????
posted
After working on the critique a bit, I'd say it does come across that way in the opening to an extent. It reads a bit like The Andromeda Strain with aliens. I haven't made it to the action/adventure part just yet.
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posted
I actually prefer the first version. I like having background- it isn't too fast, so I feel like I'm being drawn in little bits at a time. Maybe it's just my personal experience, but I find that writers who tend to jump right into the action often don't have quite as powerful a style. The first version would make me turn the page, the second would make me put the story down as amateur.
I'd be willing to read the first 1000 words and then maybe review the rest depending on how the first bit goes. Email me at jas23per@hotmail.com if you decide to take me up on it.
I generally refrain from commenting on a work as a whole here (especially since I have yet to finish the critique), but I think this is warranted based on the discussion so far.
Although you might have been aiming for an action/adventure story, what you sent me is - so far - a potentially good bit of drama and suspense. That DOESN'T mean you can't have some action and adventure as your story develops. Your overall setting certainly allows for that, but as written, action and adventure aren't the focus, nor do I believe they should be. You've got some great characters, conflicts, intrigue and plotlines that could make this a really gripping story. Don't panic, and don't over-think it. Set it aside for a bit and let myself and others have a look.
posted
I was thrown by the first line…are you suggesting that an advanced life form came to be without having disease? Or are you saying it was a new type of disease. If that latter I think you would need to say that. If the former I have a whole bunch of questions. For instance: the biologist in me would want to know how advanced life came to be without any disease - a fundamental evolutionary principle is that things change to adapt to disease and/or parasites. I think there would be many biologists who would argue that without disease advanced life would have had not have evolved. But aside from that if there is no disease why are there healers? Is the race so accident prone that it needs healers? If so where did they come up with the idea of scrapping skin samples?
As for the description I vote for the second.
And if you asking if I would be expecting the rest of the story to be centered around overcoming the disease, yes…though that could be action based certainly.
posted
That last point by duv2 will not go unnoticed by F&SF, especially if this is a society which does not know disease. The problem comes up, why do they have healers? I know, injuries, but it still crops up in the mind. I did like the second opening much better. I'm not sure how the second is not starting with the story, you shot us right into the scene and I at least felt sympathy with the alien on the table.
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posted
These are aliens. Sickness coming from microbic life is not recognized by them. They have other forms of illness. Heart attacks, broken bones, worms, births, (even the rotting of injured flesh from microbes, but those microbes do not cause “sickness”) -- plenty of stuff for healers to be necessary.
As to wiggly little single cells and smaller that do cause sickness – for thousands of years they were brutal in their treatment of people who fell ill from unknown causes – as in Military’s wanting to invoke the old true-tested method of dealing with this strange illness.
This incident with Deit is the inciting incident. It triggers the actual story actions. The overarcing storyline is the quarrel between Military and Medicine and is played out by what happens to Rescue Team Three as a result of Deit’s infection.
It’s darn hard to get all of that into those first 13 lines.
posted
I've spent the night (while throwing newspapers) thinking on this. While there is no way to get the totality of an alien society across in a mere 13 lines, surely a few hints of extreme differences (no disease recognition) can arouse curiosity to read a few more lines to see if it is made clearer?
I also thought about how to clear up the healer problem. Suppose I changed the sentence --
On her left arm, raw strips bled where the healers scraped off skin samples.
to
On her left arm, raw strips bled where the healers scraped off skin samples looking for worm castings or signs of other tiny predators.
Would that help the instant reaction about why healers if no disease?
1st... get rid of the underlines. They aren't necessary. Opening with a single word 'underlines' the emphasis. "Had they" being alone is also enough emphasis.
What are deme and dmemlord? Should they be capitalized? What is a kommes? We're reading english, so the english version should be used... I'm assuming you mean comms, short for communications. If kommes is a new concept, then it can stay, but we need to know what it is and should probably not be that similar to something else we already know about.
Also, calling it a disease and later a disorder seems incorrect. See dictionary.com (or your hardcopy) for specifics. Disorders are related to the mind, while a disease affects 'tissue.' I'm no doctor, but it seems an inappropriate use of the two words. Perhaps 'condition' instead of disorder?
Also, the 'raw strips' from scraping off skin samples seems more torture than medical. I don't know how this is done in our world, but at the very least, I'd think it would be bandaged afterwards. If I'm reading something this detailed about a medical practice, it needs to resemble our own, or it seems wrong... unless we've been shown why it should differ so much.
posted
Having finished critiquing the first part that arriki sent, maybe I can speak to a few issues.
I went on rather at length about the disease issue in my critique. Short version, these people not knowing about disease WORKS in this story (with a few adjustments) because it parallels the overall situation in which "Team Three" is involved. That's why I said it works much better as a dramatic story with some action here and there.
I also like the way arriki handled the aliens. There's some work to be done, but she really did strike a nice balance between making them alien, yet keeping them comprehensible.
posted
Can't the healers scrape off the skin for some other than scientific purpose? I ask this just based soley on the discussion of the thread and am left with the impression that these people are still discovering and don't actually have knowledge yet and that maybe they are using the 'old ways' to heal.
Now I'm wondering why I read the whole thread, lol. It's making it hard for me to say which intro I liked best.
Maybe combine the two? ______________
__Disease__. It was a new word. A new concept. A terrifyingly alien way to die. This strange infirmity had recently come inside the deme’s fanatically guarded borders and now had struck in the deepest levels belowground. What it was, how it spread, was unknown.
Rocise looked down. Deit, Rescue Team Three’s kommes expert, lay shivering and naked on the makeshift table. White skin, white hair—eyes white with fear. Two days ago Deit had been normal. Now a long streak of dark blue mottling ran down her right arm. On her left arm, raw strips bled where the healers scraped off skin samples. “Have we seen enough?” one of the healers asked.
__Had they?__ Rocise wondered.
_______ Mind you I'm going off only what I've seen here.
posted
Quote: “On her left arm, raw strips bled where the healers scraped off skin samples looking for worm castings or signs of other tiny predators. Would that help the instant reaction about why healers if no disease? “
First - I do think it is important for me to say that I thought that the first 13 were a good hook and I would read on…but in reading on I would want several things cleared up quickly.
The above quote would not clear that up, it might tell me that you’ve thought about it and so Ill stick with it for a while longer. But I do think, by reading into what you’ve said, that the opening line, as great of a hook as it is, is not entirely true. It seems that they do know that people can get sick and in the past those people were simply be…. killed? And so that wiped out all diseases? I presume this society grew food? Was there no disease there either? Did they do the same thing? Did they not study it? What about wildlife …ducks come to mind...did they not get diseased, did the disease not jump species? That would be hard for me to buy…but I will admit I am a probably a little extreme when it comes to being troubled by things like this…
I do think, it sounds as if you have a good story here, and I would suspect that if you work through these sorts of issue your story can only be stronger.
I hope you were throwing newspapers because that’s your job, and not out of frustration.
posted
Austin American-Statesman, New York Times, and Wall Street Journal
It's a job. Sigh. 1am to 5am every day, no holidays, no vacations, no sick leave.
I think that the problem with disease being a foreign idea to them is sidetracking me from the problem of is this going to draw people in. Will they read on a few paragraphs to find out more?
I told krazykiter that I was contemplating changing the opening to this:
_Disease_. It was an alien word. An alien concept. A terrifying and alien way to die.
Using "alien" rather than "new" does not have the same feel to the sounds of the text when read, but it emphasizes how unknown this phenomenon is to them.
They do have illnesses caused by creatures like worms, and I've designed some other really nasty non-bacterial, non-viral things that we do not (thank God!) have here. Probably they did have some disease problems long, long ago, before their medical science developed. They handled it by killing anyone who succumbed. Bred themselves to have powerful immune systems. Then this viral bug comes in from outside their ecosystems and they are all puzzled by it. At the time of this story they haven't even managed to isolate it. And they're looking for someone to blame for the problem, too.
[This message has been edited by arriki (edited March 01, 2006).]
posted
Since "disease" is a general term for any kind of illness caused by definite factors, you might want to use a more specific term like "infection" or something.
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posted
If "disease" is a foreign word, where did it come from? Is the source of the word the same as the source of the disease?
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"Is disease caused by anything other than bacteria and viruses?"
Yes. Diseases caused by parasites alone are so numerous that it is an area of specialization for doctors. Disease can also be caused by defective genes (dystropy, cancers, etc.) Lack of proper nutrition can cause disease, chemical imbalances can cause mental disorders. Even alcoholism is considered a disease nowdays, though I think that is a real stretch.
posted
Not to continue flogging a dead horse...or anything, but I've been thinking about the comments I've been getting over those first lines.
A lot of people seem to have difficulty with the idea that "Disease" is a foreign word. That's why it is underlined (meaning italicized) in my opening.
I was wondering if I said it this way if the idea that the narrator is one of the -- to us -- aliens and that help get across the fact that they are not recognizing the type illness that has suddenly appeared among them.
__Disease__. It was an alien word. You could tell by its shrill sound and two short, short syllables. It named an alien concept. A terrifying and alien way to die.
This strange infirmity had recently come inside the deme's fanatically guarded borders....
Is that any better? Clearer?
By the way, how's this for a better title than "Rescue Mission" --
Between an Alien Rock and a Political Hard Place -- ???
posted
The problem is that these people do have the concept of disease as we define it. What they lack is experience with infection, or perhaps even more specifically with microbic infection.
Naturally, all of our words would be foreign to them, since they probably don't speak English, desho? If you mean that they're using the actual word "disease" taken out of context...it's a silly and implausible conceit. Just use a more or less specific name for the particular kind of infection, if they've bothered to learn the name of the particular disease from us.
Look, the concept can work, but you're wording doesn't, because "disease" isn't defined as you seem to be insisting it is. That's what people are saying here. Look it up, it doesn't refer only or even primarilly to infectious microbial conditions. Find a word that clearly does, and use that instead.
posted
Version 2 is better. Like the attachment to a character right off the bat.
On the underlining of disease and the alien race not knowing about them ... I find it hard that a sentient race, especially an advanced alien one, has never ever known about microbial disease. Maybe it's the just the human in me (am I all human?)?
If the story were to explain that this alien race had erradicated microbial disease among their race so long ago that they simply don't remember how to fight it, I could bite. But as is, I'm a bit too sceptical.
One last suggestion to hint at "action" in the story:
quote:Original Rocise looked down. Deit, Rescue Team Three’s kommes expert, lay shivering and naked on the makeshift table. White skin, white hair—eyes white with fear. Two days ago Deit had been normal. Now a long streak of dark blue mottling ran down her right arm. On her left arm, raw strips bled where the healers scraped off skin samples.
quote:Action/Adventure foreshadowing Rocise looked down. Deit, Rescue Team Three’s kommes expert, lay shivering and naked on the makeshift table. White skin, white hair—eyes white with fear. Two days ago Deit had been normal. Now a long streak of dark blue mottling ran down her right arm from the wound inflicted by the primative projectile. On her left arm, raw strips bled where the healers scraped off skin samples.
Short and simple, but gives the reader the hint, "there's a war going on." Or something along those lines. That's just an example, it's up to your story to dictate to what degree the wounds are and how the disease entered the body.
If you want more readers, click on the letter above my post for my address.
posted
arriki, I've been thinking about your opening, and I'd like to make a suggestion.
What I think you need to do in your beginning is, first, show what your point of view character, Rocise, is seeing (Deit looking strange and helpless under the effects of the "disease"), and then show what Rocise is thinking about what Rocise is seeing (and that's where you give the information about "disease" being an alien concept).
Then you can bring in the argument between the two healers.
I hope this helps, because, for some reason, what you've done so far has started haunting me.
posted
I'm assuming that the question of which version is actually a question about which order. In that case, the description or something like it first, quickly followed by the explanation.
An alternative would be to have Medicine and Military witnessing and commenting on the patient to each other and engaging in a debate from the surgery observation room or at least while witnessing the patient somehow.
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