posted
The working title is exactly that - I used the first word I could think of that was musical. Here are the first 13 of the story; please critique, if you would be so gracious:
High above an unnamed valley, in an effacing mountain cave, Joseph Kinh sat solemnly daydreaming. His chestnut-colored back glowed in firelight, and a shimmering shadow stretched out into the twilight and spilled over the cliff. He sat, still with contentment, cross-legged atop a broad cedar log, ornately hewn with images of faces sweeping round in a petrified breeze. Behind him, the firelight painted the cave wall with glowing amber, blending with the setting sunlight that the man stared into and did not stare into. He breathed steadily, paced by the gentle flow of a dusky breeze that had just swirled into the cave. The flames of the fire waved with the breeze, as did the dark, woolen locks that hung from Kinh’s head, barely touching the floor. The winds, gusts, and breezes carried with them
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited April 12, 2006).]
posted
This is too dense with adjectives. It is an effort to read this - good writing "reads" as effortless. What you have written could be said, I would bet, with half as many lines and maybe less and would be much better for it. Sentences are long and could be shorter:
"The winds, gusts, and breezes carried with them tales of births, deaths, victories, defeats, celebrations and destructions."
Too long and awkward. How about: "The wind sang with tales." You can elaborate later on in the story.
"solemnly daydreaming." Well yes, but it's hard to imagine daydreaming not done solemnly - strike solemnly.
"Petrified breeze." Only plants, sap and animals petrify. This conjures up a confusing image. If a breeze is petrified, it is stilled, if it is stilled it is not a breeze.
"shimmering shadow." Again a confusing image. Just how does a shadow shimmer? Light shimmers.
"...that the man stared into and did not stare into." This is awkward and contradictory.
[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited April 12, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited April 12, 2006).]
posted
I agree. Poetically written, but it's too much for me. You can probably get rid of every adverb, and potentially half of your adjectives. It will still be pretty, it will just be clearer and lighter. Also, while you've gone to great lengths to set the mood, perhaps you want to also set the action moving forward. Setting is good, but conflict is better. Let's get in it.
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posted
Huh? What's an "effacing mountain cave"? Is the mountain effacing or is it the cave? Also, "effacing" is transitive, if you want to make it intransitive, you should usually say "self-effacing". I take it that "solemnly daydreaming" means "meditating" or something similar.
Okay, so you like using contradictory terms rather than concise wording. But do think about whether you even know what you're saying. Then try and think if the reader is going to even have the energy to care after decoding a half dozen of these lines.
posted
I don't like a beginning that makes me work so hard. I'm a bit of a lazy reader, so I need some action to engage my attention. I want to know more about the man and less about the cave. And from your intro, I'm picturing a cave-man--but with a last name that doesn't seem right.
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