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Sci-Fi / light horror 3,100 words. Would appreciate feedback on the first 13. If anyone's interested in reading the whole thing, I'll email it. Thanks.
I bought a Dreamscape disposable camera at the Dreamery Novelty Shop. The sign read "This amazing little camera takes dream pictures. Don’t wait. Make your dreams come true today." Free, one hour development was included. I thought it would be good for a laugh or two. That night before bed, I unfolded the rice paper instructions. The small print read, “Place camera on night stand. Focus at spot on ceiling where user stares before falling asleep." Finding the spot was easy for me. I always stare at this one piece of textured plaster on the ceiling that takes on shapes of people and animals as I drift off to sleep. My wife looked at me and said, “Oh, Dear, you’re such a gadget freak. But I love you anyway. Sleep tight.” She threw me a kiss, rolled over,
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited April 19, 2006).]
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The first thing I noticed while I was reading this is the use of the word "dream." It's used four times in the first paragraph and it brought me out of the story because I started looking for the next time it came up just to see how many times it was going to be used.
The other thing I noticed while I was reading this is that there is a lot of description (namely on how to use the camera), but not much else. Instead, I would cut out most of the description of the camera's intructions and get to describing what this camera actually does.
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Amen to Shendülféa. I think the word "dream" had the effect of the word itself and tried putting me to sleep. It did make some sense (Dream camera in the Dream shop), but it was like getting the "look-you're shoelace is untied" joke several times very fast.
The second paragraph is better, but you went from discriptions, to a quote from the Mrs. back to discriptions. It didn't flow as easily as it could. Perhaps making the wife's actions discriptive ex. "My wife looked at me, said she loved me even though I was a gadget freak, rolled over and was asleep in minutes. I,however, could not sleep..."
Just an opinion. It may not work with what you're trying to do. I would like to read the whole thing since you're asking for volunteers. Hygge@juno.com
Nits: I don't think the camera should come from a shop with Dream in the title; it makes me think the shop doesn't sell anything else -- or if it does, the camera might not be the most interesting! Let it be a tourist shop, or the Walgreen's, or something that clearly has a business other than selling this one camera.
Paragraphs. That second one is way long, and contains two bits of dialog (technically, one from wife, and one quote from the instructions), which is a no-no. Break it up.
It seems a little odd that he spends time watching images on the plaster. When I go to bed, I close my eyes! Maybe it's not needed here.
I don't know where you're going here, but the story will pack more punch, I think, if we see that there's already some struggle in his life. That is, he tells himself the camera is just a lark, but he's actually hoping it will help with somethign?
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I don't try to sleep with my eyes open, so the caemra's operation didn't work for me. Had I picked the book up in a store, that is where I would've put it back.
After that, I just didn't find Wife's dialogue or actions believable. They seemed like an afterthought to me.
Ditto the "dream" comments. I'd rename the shop, which would solve the problem a little. (Dreamery is also a line of ice cream -- Edy's/Dreyer's). You could also reword the sign: "Never forget your dreams again!" Generally, I think these kinds of signs/adverts are short to get attention.
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If you want to send the thing over for an unprofessional review (before or after you revise the dreamshop thing), do it and I'll send my comments back in a week or so.
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I stare at the ceiling when I'm restless and can't sleep. I think people fall asleep so many different ways, that a camera being sold to capture dream images would need a better/ more believable method. I felt like the whole thing was a little choppy. I love Dreamery ice cream though!
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The opening promises to be a bit too, "I had a cool story idea and had to get it down." I find those kinds of stories...a little spare.
And that's how the opening feels. A little sketchy, without the sense that the details have been put in place. I start poking at the walls and there are places where it's paint over masking tape to cover the holes where things should be holding up the roof.
Wouldn't want other people to be able to see inside my dreams. That's probably just me.
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I can picture such a camera being purchased in a shop of antiquities, especially if it has instructions written on rice paper. These kinds of shops always seem to have objects of mystery.
Ditto the spot one stares at before falling asleep. I'm sure you will find a suitable substitution for your camera instructions.
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