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This is for the 9-14 crowd--be gentle on my little ego (or not).
The light from inside the pool outside was making wavelets on ceiling. Clare loved that. She would miss it. She tried to drown herself in the shimmering blue pattern. She tried to drown out the argument she had just had with her grandmother, or the reality that she was leaving. But that was as impossible as falling asleep knowing that this was her last night. “I have a life here!” Clare had said bitterly. Grandmother had spun around, her eyes blazing. “I had a life too,” she hissed. Clare had shrunk a little on the inside, but she was not going to let Grandmother see her flinch. Of course Grandmother had a life before she got stuck raising an
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The use of the word "drown" right after describing a pool was a bit misleading. Also, this is a touch early in the story for a flashback. Maybe start with the argument?
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Why is she leaving? That's the real issue here -- and it's what you don't tell us. (I like the wavelets, and Grandma's rage; but they're incidental compared to that.)
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posted
wbriggs has it exactly right: We need to know why she's moving before we can care about the argument over why she doesn't want to move, (which shouldn't be revealed in flashback -- it loses its impact when it's not immediate.) I also don't like where the "falling asleep knowing that this was her last night" line is because its not clear when that last night is/was/will be.
I agree with the misleading use of the word "drown". How about "immerse" or "submerse" instead?
Also, what genre is this? Realistic JF (juvenile fiction)? Fantasy? Length?
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You definately have conflict taking place in your first paragraph, which hooked me. Especially if this is a short story as I would like to read more to discover what it was all about.
Few grammar nits though. You use "that," four times in your first paragraph, which to me, seems to slow down your momentum the argument with her grandmother establishes.
Good beginning though, do let us know how long you plan on this to be.
The first sentence doesn't work for me. The inside/outside thing makes the sentence fragmented and chopped. "The lights in the pool outside..." would suit it better. Although, if the poll is outside, how are there wavelets on the ceiling?
I took me a second to realize the conversation was past tense, a memory instead of her grandma yelling at her from the poolside. Use italics for past tense conversations that character is reliving inside their head. To use standard quoted dialog you need to make it very clear that the conversation is past tense beforehand.
[This message has been edited by Jammrock (edited April 07, 2006).]
posted
Okay, just wanted to comment a little on other people's comments (hehe). I didn't have a problem not knowing exactly where she was going right now. Actually, that worked as a little bit of a hook -- I wanted to find out. This is the first half of a page. 13 lines. I know we sometimes expect everything to be right there, grinning at us from the front window, but as far as that was concerned, I was willing to give it another page or two.
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posted
I also have to admit that the repeated use of "drowned" right after a description of a pool and that she was going to miss the relections of the pool playing on her ceiling had me convinced she was attempting suicide. I'm not sure a synonmy would leave me with a different impression. It doesn't bother me that I am not sure why she is leaving but the implication that the MC was suicidal and turns out not to be, did bother me.
I did not understand that the fight was a flashback especially in context with describing her reaction at the time. There is clarity missing from the section.
Nit - You can not "hiss" a word that does not end with "s." I see that error a lot in both published and unpublished works and it drives me crazy. I would have put the book/story down when Grandma hissed "too." Think about the sentance and what the natural sounds of the words are. If you want to keep the "hissing" yoiu might want to add (if it works for Grandma's character" a "miss" after the "too."
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"inside the pool outside" confused me right away. I did get it, and it is an interesting detail, but it took me a moment to digest.
>THAT she was leaving. But THAT was as impossible as falling asleep knowing THAT
The use of passive verbs, that, and to. I would recommend mixing it up. Adding some strong verbs.
The transition between reflection and flashback(?) is abrupt. I wasn't sure if it was a flashback at all, but that is the only thing that made sense. If it is a flashback, and so early in the story, it brings up a piece of professional advice- if you start a story with a flashback, why not just start the story where it actually began instead of flashing back to it?
Normally I am not too big on dialogue tags (hissed), but I liked these two lines of dialogue and that is where the story got moving for me.
posted
Thanks to everyone. To clarify, this is a fantasy novel for kids 9-14. Actually it's a rewrite and it was originally for 9-14, but I'm afraid it's pushing into the YA genre, which is about to spawn a question on the general forum. For here, I'm experimenting with moving the first paragraph into the story further and starting with this:
Clare stood in stunned amazement. Grandmother's words were bouncing in her ears. It was late and Clare's tired brain was having trouble putting the words together with their meanings. Was Grandmother really shipping her off to live with a stranger who happened to be her aunt? “I have a life here!” Clare said bitterly. Grandmother spun around, her eyes blazing. “I had a life too,” she said between clenched teeth. “Twelve years I've waste. And now I'm through.” Clare had shrunk a little on the inside, but she was not going to let Grandmother see her flinch. Of course Grandmother had a life before she got stuck raising an insolent little girl who seemed to possess all of the
Okay, we're closer to the beginning, but still a bit shy.
Start with Clare finding out she's going to be shipped off to live with her aunt. Don't start with her being stunned and confused by information we don't know already. Also, the relationship between Clare and her grandmother seems interesting, I'd like a snapshot of that before we terminate it.
So here's my suggestion. Start with the beginning of this conversation. Show us how Clare and her grandmother "normally" interact. Then have her grandmother come to the point, and have Clare's reaction, and let it escalate into these rather overwrought lines you've got here.
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I'm just trying to get my story back on the top of this forum--heh heh. Does this sound more like a beginning?
The lights were all off. Clare tiptoed across Grandmother's marble floor. Her ears were still ringing from the music, and the beat was still pulsing through her veins. She wished every night was high school night at the club. A light flicked on in the sitting room. Grandmother was sitting in one of the antique chairs, a thin-lipped smile across her face. Clare immediately deduced three things from Grandmother's malicious grin. First, Grandmother had some good news; second, the news had to do with her; and third, the news was most certainly not going to be good news for Clare. “Your Aunt Abigail has finally agreed to take you,”
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I think this definitely sounds more like a beginning. The thing I'm finding distracting are the constant "Clare" and "Grandmother"s. A well placed "she" is always good, or if that would be confusing, there are other ways to identify who is who, such as description. A minor detail, easily remedied. The lines themselves work well at setting the stage for whatever argument might come.
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Right, just start with Clare. And the house, coming home to this place. We don't need to meet Granny until we know who (or what) she is in Clare's mind. Move from the normal to the strange. Find a normal place. Establish the parameters of the character's reality.
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Survivor--I really appreciate that you've hung with me this far. This is a book I originally wrote 5 years ago, and I'm rewriting it. I have faith in the plot line, but I cannot seemed to figure out where to start! Everytime I come back to this story, I've given it a new beginning--it's had about six different starts so far: I've had Clare on the airplane, in the airport, asleep and dreaming... on and on and on. I try to think, where does the plot need to start? I think it's important for the character's develoment to tell where she's been, but if I keep backing this up I'm going to have chapters of mostly irrelevent information. I'm banging my head against the computer in frustration here--why can't writing be as easy as: idea in head--idea on paper--DONE!
Posts: 88 | Registered: Apr 2006
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Woodie, have you read OSC's How to Write Science Fiction and Fantasy?
In that book, he talks about story structure in terms of his four story categories (milieu, idea, character, and event), and he discusses how each kind of story should start and how each kind should end satisfactorily.
If you get that book and read what he says, it may help you figure out where and how to start this story.
I've had a little trouble with the openings so far because each version told me things I simply didn't know previously. In the latest version, I found out that Clare is living it up and her Grandmother has serious money. Never occured to me before, not even remotely. I also found out that she's a teenager and that her Grandmother has the emotional sophistication of a three year old. I had been assuming that Clare was a child and her Grandmother was in a different league when it came to manipulation.
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the third beginning was awesome, IMO. I could totally picture a teenager sneaking in even before you mentioned it was high-school night at a club. Posts: 48 | Registered: Apr 2006
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