posted
I am looking for readers to edit my serial story; fragments are produced bimonthly. I appreciate detailed suggestions, and welcome the identification of any problems. I thank you in advance for your help and appreciate specific examples. Fiction; third-omniscient Spree, a quiet and slightly overweight teenager, dreaded going to gym class. After having breakfast with her mother, she picked up her backpack, opened the front door, then stood in the doorway. Spree dropped her backpack to the floor and turned to face her mother ***
“Do I have to go? Can’t you just write a note or something?” “No Spree,” she stood up from the table, collecting the dishes, “you can’t just run away from your problems, you must face them.” “You ran away.” Her mother glanced at her without saying a word and took the dishes to the sink. “The other girls are mean
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited April 25, 2006).]
* I like that you started with dialogue. For me, dialogue is a sure way to indicate that action is going on. A lot of authors like to warm their engine for a few paragraphs or even pages...I happen to be one of the foremost practitioners of this ill-advised technique. Glad to see you're getting to the action.
* There's some clear conflict in this scene between Spree and her mother. Again, it's good to see that you're defining your characters through conflict.
THINGS TO GROW ON
* I didn't really know what I was supposed to care about in this scene. Don't get me wrong; I understood the conflict. But it seemed very pedestrian. Lots of kids get picked on. Lots of kids don't want to go to school because of it. What makes Spree's situation special? I wanted some kind of interior life for the character...some thought about how the other girls treated her. Without it, I couldn't get invested. (NOTE: I read your backstory after your lines, and now have a better idea of what you meant. Still, I think fiction should be self-contained. Show us how Spree was treated in gym class.)
* It took me a second to realize that both quotes in the second paragraph were supposed to be from Spree. That's because there was no dialogue attribution, no reaction to her mother's action that prompted the next line of dialogue, or anything else that would help me keep things sorted out.
[This message has been edited by Loremaster (edited April 24, 2006).]
posted
I have this weird feeling the story should open with Spree in class, suffering her abuse. I usually like starting my stories in medias res though. I also think the POV is completely wrong. If this is a story about the abuse and struggles of this girl, then your best bet is to go 1st person and get us in her head. I can't understand this girl's pain and fear of going to school, unless I hear her thoughts and see the abuse. Hearing that she is scared to go to school isn't enough. Heck, I didn't want to go to school for the same reason once because I got thrown into a trash can by some older boys in the locker room. I want to know that this girl is having it worse than me so that I think to myself "Holy Crap! How can any human deal with this and get through it.", which will keep me reading.
Posts: 162 | Registered: Jun 2005
| IP: Logged |
posted
I'll say nay on the first person, but yea on everything else mystic said (I don't really know whether that bit about the trash can is true, but I won't gainsay it).
I'll recommend third person limited omniscient rather than first person, not only because it's usually a better choice but because in this case we want to see Spree as dispassionate observers rather than be subjected to her whining. With first person, I'd immediately be disinclined to believe the character's assertions that the abuse was all that bad. In 3PLO it isn't the character making those assertions, it's the author, so you can make the assertion process transparent.
posted
Spree opened her gym locker and dried her eyes. Concealed by the locker door, she said a prayer. Before Spree finished her prayer, she was shoved into her locker. Her forehead hit the sharp metal edge, which sliced into her skin and tore a deep gash. “Oh, I’m sorry,” Jody feigned an apology. Blood trickle down the side of Spree’s face. Jody smiled, turning to her friends. “Well, she was just standing there like a zombie, why didn’t she move? Jody chuckled. It was an accident.” Slowing starting to sense the pain, Spree examined the cut on her forehead. When she looked at her fingers, they were covered in blood. Down the isle, she heard a sudden burst of laughter come from the other two girls who were standing with Jody.
Posts: 8 | Registered: Mar 2006
| IP: Logged |
posted
A better opening, but I think you may be overdoing it with having a sharp metal edge cutting a deep gash in her forhead. That triggered a bunch of plausibility flags for me. Have you ever seen how even a modest cut on the forehead bleeds? Those girls would be running for cover rather than laughing about it.
Also, you need to format Jody's spoken lines properly. That will give you a better feel for what you're doing with them.
I think that you're jumping to the abuse too fast, it becomes decontextualized and melodramatic that way. Lingering for a moment on her prayer would develop the character better and letting the abuse be at a more realistic level would keep me interested.
Printer-friendly view of this topic
