posted
This is the first 13 lines of a shory story I finished about 4 months ago. Let me know what you think, or if you want the rest. Its about 45,000 (Correction- That's my novel-in-progress. This story is only about 15,000) words total, but the end needs a little polishing. Other than that, it's basically finished. If you perchance want to read it, just let me know, and I'll send you a copy, uncompressed, written in MS. ~~~~~~ David opened his eyes and groaned. This was not going to be pleasant. Another day was here. His back erupted into a mass of pain as wakefulness pounced. Wincing, he sat up. His white tee-shirt was caked with dried blood that cracked off as he slid his feet into his slippers. He wearily stood and walked towards the bathroom, grumbling as his bed fell to pieces behind him. Entering the bathroom, he looked at the mirror at the other end. He got a quick glance of his haggard, bristly face and his once-white shirt before the glass shattered.
Great. Three years bad luck. Or was it seven? It didn’t matter. David’s bad luck was already solidified.
As he shuffled forward to investigate the sole of his left slipper came off, and he sliced open the arch of his foot on a
[This message has been edited by Wetherby the Owl (edited May 02, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited May 02, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Wetherby the Owl (edited May 03, 2006).]
posted
I'm not going to say I love it, but I do rather like what you've got here.
Some people will nit you on starting with the character waking up. I think that it's a valid way to begin a scene and a reasonable place to begin your story if the character experiences something central to the story immediately upon waking. But be warned, many editors say they hate it (though this doens't stop them from buying stories that start with the POV character waking up, I've noticed).
For myself, I had one bit of difficulty. You seemingly associate the blood cracking off his shirt with his action of sliding into his slippers. I think that you meant to associate it with the act of sitting up, but that's not what happened in the text. Also, while it is normal for dried blood to flake off your skin or other less-permeable surfaces, it is not normal for it to flake off a white tee. I've seen a lot of blood on a lot of shirts, and I'm telling you this. True, some of that blood was mine, but aside from being much tastier than human blood, I believe the mechanics are the same.
Otherwise, I think it's a very promising start, and I'd be happy to read more (whether I stay happy...that's your lookout).
posted
If it's 45,000 words, it's not a short story, it's a short novel.
I like the style of this, but I'm not sure you're starting in the right place. He wakes up caked with dried blood, and in pain. Why? Presumably something significant has happened, and presumably he knows what it is (since his first reaction isn't "hey, is this blood mine?"). But we don't. Now, I don't necessarily think you shouldn't start with an aftermath of something else - but if you do, I think you have a responsibility to get pretty much straight on and tell us what it is.
I'd read on, but I really would expect the next paragraph to give us more information as to how he's got into this situation. Otherwise, you'll lose me.
posted
Thanks for reading. In response to Survivor, yea...I should have relized that his sitting up and the cracking off of the blood were not identified in the text. That's a mistake I sometimes make, assuming that the reader will pick up on the film playing in my head. The reason I had the blood cracking off was because of the huge amount of blood there. Literally caked on thick enough that his shirt was stiff. I should identify that in the re-working. Thanks for the pick up.
Posts: 8 | Registered: May 2006
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posted
If you're looking for readers, I'm game. I got a sense that this guy's a walking "bad luck charm." Is that the point? Things happen as a result of his actions (the sliced foot) and bad things happen without him doing anything (the bed falling apart as soon as he gets up and the mirror shatters just by him looking at it). Is this a mystical story? The "more to the story" part sounds good to me.
And Survivor, I'm sure the blood experience you've had comes with several interesting stories of their own (I read the short on your website-good reading).
posted
I like it. You did a good job setting up the character's POV, place and a general tone. I DO want to know why all sorts of weird things are happening to/around him.
"as wakefulness pounced" - great phrase and image. It definately give the impression that David doesn't want to start another day.
"He wearily stood and walked towards the bathroom" - might be a bit cleaner with a better verb which conveys the "wearily," maybe "ambled", "wandered" or "meandered." Resulting in "He stood and wandered into the bathroom."
If you don't mind that it will take me a while to get back to you. I'll read.
posted
kingd_falcon...I'll send you a copy as soon as I have an e-mail address. If it were a little smaller, I'd mail it "snail mail" but at it's current number of 8"-11" pages, it's rather heavy.
Posts: 8 | Registered: May 2006
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posted
David's bad luck is to be in a story where the opening paragraph shows him waking up. An all-to-common beginning that needs some real zowie thing happening in order to prevent it from being... *yawn*... boring and trite.
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posted
Actually, most of my own personal stories involving blood are just stupid. Blood in real life is funny that way. But yes, I've seen shirts (even towels) literally stiff with dried blood, and it still doesn't flake off the way it does from skin/leather/vinyl/whatnot. A large quantity of blood will clot before it dries out, this gives it a fair amount of strength and flexibility (now I'm remembering Mr. Clot, I wonder what ever happened with that). If the blood were allowed to clot almost completely, then got onto his shirt and dried there, it could flake off, but this is exceedingly improbable (unless...that's another story).
Anyway, it probably doesn't matter much. Most people don't have a lot of experience waking up covered with dried blood. Not that I do either...very little, really. I'm not lying
posted
The opening is confusing. And not intriguingly confusing, just plain confusing. I think you need to add a flashback, or a thought reminding himself at least a little bit, about why he hurts and why there is a broken mirror. Something like: God I shouldn't have gotten drunk last night, he thought.
It needs something to hook the reader, and I'm just not hooked.
posted
Well, actually the point of the story is not why he's in pain. I actually never get into that, because he dosn't care about it, therefore there's no reason to bring it up in his awareness. But nice point nonetheless. The mirror just breaks, for no particular reason. It just breaks, like his bed broke. Like his cabinet, in line 15 (not posted) breaks.
[This message has been edited by Wetherby the Owl (edited May 04, 2006).]
posted
Hey, if you sent this to me, I never received it. Try sending to kings_falcon@yahoo.com if you still need readers. Thanks
Posts: 1210 | Registered: Feb 2006
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