posted
Hello, I haven't been around for a while and I'd like to thank all those that commented on the last fragment I posted here - your advice was a great help. This is something new, however, and I'd like to just get some generic feedback on the opening please, is there a hook, any mechanical problems, confusion etc?
SF - length undetermined - currently just over two thousand words.
Upon feeling slightly peckish and thus compelled to take the risk of using room service in the hotel, Ed rolled over and spied the big red shiny phone on the bedside cabinet. He’d long since decided it resembled something you might order a doomsday event on rather than a newspaper and a continental breakfast. As a well established guest at the Last Resort in Time he knew only too well there was no guarantee he’d get exactly what he ordered either - sometimes far from it. As the dumbwaiter rumbled ominously with the impact of another instantaneous delivery, he padded across the room toward the
[This message has been edited by Zoot (edited May 02, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Zoot (edited May 02, 2006).]
posted
This opening was lukewarm for me. The problems - "peckish" is really only a slang British term as far as I'm aware and it means a little hungry. So 'slightly peckish' is redundant, plus many readers may feel put off by this. Not sure why, if he's hungry, he has to use room service?
"big red shiny phone" sounds like something out of a children's tale, a few too many adjectives there.
The narrative jumps from him looking at the phone to the dumbwaiter's "instantaneous" delivery.
Overall, no huge problems, but also no great hook.
posted
I'm a little confused about this place he's living in. I don't know whether it's a mediocre hotel with undependable service (in which case, I'm wondering why he's staying there), or if there's something more to it. The name tipped me off, but I don't know why it's special. The MC just focuses on the food and I'm not vaguely interested in that.
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posted
The opening line is a stumbling block, but rather an effective one. But still a stumbling block.
Ehe
Basically, you're opening with a fundamentally prosaic character who regards the fantastic premise of your story as nothing particularly noteworthy. That's clearly deliberate, and it is workable. But it is also going to throw some people.
Is it a hook? Well, if my summary sounds like a hook, then yes. Mechanical problems...yes, though they are minor and clearly in the service of crafting the character's voice. Still, maybe you take it a bit far. It's a little annoying, particularly the second sentance. And it might be funnier if you were pedantically correct "something on which you might order a doomsday event rather than a newspaper and a continental breakfast." No less annoying, but funnier, eh?
No confusion here, but some people will be confused. The unexpected subordination of the fantastic to the mundane ensures that. On the other hand, it's a basic part of your characterization here.
Overall, it looks fun and funny, though a bit unpolished at this stage.
posted
I was strongly reminded of The Restaurant at the End of the Universe. I can't say why, really.
Your sentences are hard to follow, but I think a few commas would be all you need to make them work better. I found the repetition of "well" in the third sentence distracting.
I rather like the overstated tone of everything, and I agree there's great potential for humor here. (Do you mean this to be a humorous piece? I re-read it a few times, and realized I didn't have a good reason to make that assumption.)
I'd keep reading, because I'm interested in why "there was no guarantee he'd get exactly what he ordered..."
posted
It reminded me of The Restaurant at the End of the Universe as well. Also, not sure why, but it did.
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posted
This grabs my interest, maybe because the Last Resort in Time sounds like the Restaurant at the End of the Universe. When I see the word "peckish" I have to work to remember what it means. Just me, but maybe others will be halted by it, too.
I like your last line, but it seems to be a leap from looking at the phone to getting an instantaneous delivery. Maybe your MC can perform another action in the first paragraph.
posted
I had a different understanding: I thought this was some magic/sci-fi place, because it was the Last Resort in Time. Then I felt lost, because I didn't know what that meant, though Ed would.
If that was just a weird name for a hotel, and we knew that, then I'd have the problem that bad room service doesn't interest me yet. It would if it were hilariously bad. If not, well ... I can't sympathize. Unreliable room service is somewhere up there in disastrousness with getting the wrong color Porsche.
posted
I'm not really sure why getting room service is something I need to know. I'd start with something less mundane, maybe? In spite of the fact that it might be a strange hotel or poisonous or something like that I'm not aware of that so it kind of falls flat.
And maybe it's just a personal thing but that first sentence was a stumbling block for me as well.
posted
Because the room service is being delivered when all he did was think about ordering something.
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posted
It probably isn't clear enough. It's easy enough to think that the narration just dropped the action for a moment. After all, it supposedly takes the genius of Sherlock Holmes to notice when the dog doesn't bark. We naturally assume that the arrival of room service (in a movie or something) after the characters talk about what they'd like to order implies that they went ahead and ordered something.
And the character doesn't have to make a big deal out of how fantastic it is that the order arrives before he even picks up the phone. You could go with the angle that it's rather inconvenient to have the order arrive when you're still not sure what you are about to request. Reparsing that line a bit could give more clarity.
posted
If the order is placed because he thought it, then the story needs rewording IMO. Why would he consider using the phone to order room service if it isn't necessary? We're told he's an established guest, so he should know how room service works.
If he ordered room service the old fashinoed way, no need to belabor the details IMO.
posted
The opening disorients me, and doesn't immediately get me back on my feet. I'm not sure that "Upon" is necessary. It gives me the impression that he's been laying on the bed doing nothing for a while, but I'm not sure if he actually has or not.
A big shiny red phone is too descriptive, and I wonder why I need to know that it's big and shiny and red. Is that important to the story, or is it background detail? What does it tell me about the room?
I've never been in a hotel room with a dumbwaiter. Do hotel rooms have these? I thought they were reserved for houses or that the dumbwaiter went to the employee on that floor, who then brought you the food. Maybe it's a cultural thing, but it threw me, and got me wondering about dumbwaiters.
I like the word peckish. I'd stick with that.
It's obvious by the end that something odd is going on. Maybe get to the oddness sooner. "He had no sooner decided upon what to order from room service, when with a clatter of the dumbwaiter, the scent of raisin and cinnamon oatmeal filled the room. There were certain advantages at staying in the Hotel at the End of Time." I even fit "upon" in
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