posted
This is the beginning, and I can't tell you exactly what the powder is(This was a dream I had.) So far it's 794 words, and includes this dream.
***
Sitting on the sand beside her mother, Raven sifted the powder in the bowl. The wind was pushing the smoke from the fire into her face and she turned her head and looked out onto the water. Some invisible barrier held it at bay, away from the small dwelling her father had erected before the hunt. Raven pulled the bowl closer to her and stirred the powder with her right index finger.
"Mama, the water is getting higher." Raven said matter-of factly.
"I know." Was her mother's only response lately.
Raven watched her little brother dig shells from the sand a few
posted
Wording issue: "Some invisible barrier held it at bay" -- held what? Once I figure it's water, that word "bay" causes me to picture a bay, but that's not what you meant.
I'm having a hard time picturing it. Is the water stopped by a force-field, so it's like looking into an aquarium? I think this is your hook (at least for me), once I understand it.
Also, you might tell us what the powder is. Make it up!
posted
I understood the invisible force field was somehow holding the ocean back. Although I wondered what sort of play on words you intended by following with the phrase "at bay." Was the ocean being held in a bay or some type of lagoon??? It made me smile, but I do not think that is truly what you meant to say here.
The second nit is Raven's "matter of factly," way of speaking. It really does no service to your beginning to have that there at all. In my opinion the sentence would be find without it.
posted
You mean I shouldn't have her say at all that the water is getting higher? Then the rest of it wouldn't make sense.
Posts: 341 | Registered: Jan 2006
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posted
Agreed. In this instance, I don't think "matter-of-factly" really adds much. If you want to portray that the child isn't worried, then "calmly" could be used, otherwise we could infer that the child is concerned about the water.
"...index finger" seems to be a very contemporary designation. I don't know that for certain, it just seems so to me.
I don't like the phrase "matter of factly" here, but not because of anything to do with the phrase itself. It's just not very child-like. Your POV seems primarily concerned with Raven, and IMHO children don't make such observations about nuances in conversation. You have already portrayed that she is relaxed and calm, by the way she handles the powder and bowl. I don't think you need to use a modifier to elaborate on her mood when she speaks.
The scene seems very detached, with a lot of vague references. -- "the powder" "the hunt" "the water" -- If your character is dreaming, the tone is just right. But it would work better if I knew for certain it was a dream.
On the whole, I'm not hooked yet. I'm interested, but the piece would quickly lose my interest if it didn't pick up.
posted
This is a dream sequence. And thanks, I do understand what you all are saying. I think I agree that I can take 'matter-of-factly' out. Now after the first thirteen, the MC explains something that you have questioned. But it's after the first thirteen. Anyway, here's the rewrite:
Sitting on the sand beside her mother, Raven sifted the powder in the bowl. The wind was pushing the smoke from the fire into her face and she turned her head and looked out onto the water. She called to the water in her mind and held it still, away from the small dwelling her father had erected before the hunt. Raven pulled the bowl closer to her and stirred the powder with her left index finger.
"Mama, the water is getting higher." Raven said calmly.
"I know." Was her mother's only response lately.
Raven watched her little brother dig shells from the sand a few feet away from her. He was laughing as the wind kissed
posted
You should mark the passage as a dream somehow or other. The invisible barrier would do it, if we already knew that such a thing could only exist in a dream. Which we might not know yet. I have to admit, I didn't get that the invisible barrier was holding the water at bay. I thought it was holding the smoke, or perhaps her head, at bay.
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
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posted
I like the imagery here. A couple of things: The second sentence felt a little long to me. You used "the water" in both the second and third sentences--I would have liked for one of them to name the water, like the ocean, lake, river,etc. The third paragraph confuses me:
>"I know." Was her mother's only response lately.<
Shouldn't it be "I know," was her... The word 'lately' throws me off too. It implies there is more to this situation that I feel like I should already know.
1.) Try starting with the p.o.v. Character. Raven sat(or, was sitting)...
2.) keep the tense consistent.
3.) Either state it's a dream (as Survivor suggested)or keep the description more dreamlike; (...some sand,... a bowl, Windy...,etc.) Losing some of the (the's) would do it.(for me)
4.) Please clarify "...the fire".... With the m.c. sitting on sand with her mother, stirring something in a bowl, the first image that came to my mind was a cooking fire right next to her. Then you mentioned a hunt and I wondered if it was a forest fire set by the father to bring the animals out into the open. The second would add to the tension of the scene. Also, I agree with the labeling of what type of water she's manipulating.(pond?, river?, ocean?)
5.) I too had a problem with the "I know,...lately" line. It did not seem dreamlike.(to me) Lately implies duration, and more cognition/awareness than I'd expect in a dream state...Unless it was some sort of prophetic dream.
6.) Since this is fantasy, magical abilities are possible and don't necessarily imply a dream state
The story line does intrigue me. I would be willing to read more if you are not in a hurry for a response. SimonSays
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