posted
Below are the first thirteen lines of my novel about a boy who would someday become the most terrifying pirate in history, Blackbeard. I would welcome input from anyone who would be willing to read the first few pages. *********************************************** Jonas Fenman sighed. It was closing time, yet none of his regulars had moved from their chairs. He could hardly blame them. A cold and surprisingly dry Bristol winter was replaced by an unrelentingly wet spring. The River Avon was pushing hard against its banks and the roads that led into the town had become nothing more than muddy creek bottoms. Who in their right mind would want to venture back out into such gloom, when they could sip ale near the Hungry Monk’s hearth? Jonas knew, however, that if he didn’t send them on their way, he’d soon have Liza to face. His wife, Liza, rarely ventured downstairs from their living quarters once the twins were put to bed, except when he was late closing up. Even the regulars, like the blacksmith, Asbury Dawes, knew that the sight of Liza’s skirt,
[This message has been edited by AuroraS (edited May 16, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited May 18, 2006).]
posted
Not a bad opening, except that it appears you like unmarked POV shifts enough to have put one right at the end of your first thirteen lines. Other than that, you only have a few mild order of information glitches (for example, you should mention that it is an unrelentingly wet spring following a surprisingly dry Bristol winter to avoid temporal confusion). POV is an important resource, you shouldn't squander it needlessly. Doing so makes experienced readers cautious. Who knows what it does to the inexperienced?
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posted
"Hungry Monk" sounded to me like the name of a pub from the late 1980s or early 1990s, rather than one from (presumably) the 1680s. I'm not sure it would have been referred to as a "pub" at the time (pub = public house) - more likely an inn or a tavern.
Bristol's oldest (surviving) pubs are variously reported as The Hatchet (reputedly licensed in 1606) and the Llandoger Trow (which dates to 1664).
"Creek" in the UK generally means a muddy tidal inlet, rather than the more general use in the US as a steep-sided stream. I infer from "creek bottoms" that you're using the American usage.
Asbury and Elver didn't strike me as particularly likely names, and Fenman's family must have moved to Bristol from the Lincolnshire/Norfolk area - there are no fens in the Bristol area (AFAIK the Somerset levels were never referred to as "fenland").
If you want to mail me a few more pages, I'm happy to comment further.
posted
I liked it. I don't see why the pov shift causes a problem. The first bit is setting background while I assume the MC is the one outside the pub. Perfectly acceptable in a novel. I offer my services for addtional critique
Posts: 48 | Registered: Apr 2006
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posted
I don't have an issue with it either, considering exactly where you are speaking of. You have done your research, I presume, being of Bathtowne decent. I am also Native American. I'd love to read it.
I did see the PoV switch. And do feel that it should be marked with #.
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