posted
I have enjoyed reading others fragments and all the comments that go along with them. There have been so many insightful comments that I never would have thought of. So here I offer my first 'lamb to the slaughter' as they say. It's a short story with about 5400 words. I will give no other introduction as I want real reactions with no prejudice or explanation. Also if anyone wants to read the whole thing, I'll be happy to have any feedback.
Bill glanced nervously up and down the street. As far as he could see he was the only living thing out tonight. That was the problem with these colonial planets, no night life. Bill wished the transport could have dropped him a little closer, all this skulking through back alleys was unnerving. “What the-?” he jumped sideways. Crouching low he peered into the darkness. Nothing. “Now I’m jumping at shadows,” he muttered. As he turned into the alley he could hear the rustle of muffled footsteps somewhere behind him. He stopped and listened. Nothing. In the alley, he couldn’t even hear the sounds of the city around him. He continued walking. Again he heard the footsteps. Without stopping he whipped around to try to take
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited May 13, 2006).]
As far as your first 13... This starts out well. The first paragraph is good (although I would change the second 'Bill' to he) and sets the mood and POV well. After that though, you lost me, not in confusion, but in repetition. The last paragraph essentially conveys the same idea over and over. It reads very choppy, particularly with the "Nothing" inserted every other line. Find another way to convey the increasingly apprehensive Bill - be creative.
Also wondering a little why he's sticking to alleys if there is no one around...
posted
The idea seems sound, but the wording strikes me as awkward. When I read, "As far as he could see, he was the only living thing out." I immediately though there were probably zombies or some type of other "non-living" things with him. I'm not sure if that was your intention. Maybe a more neutral phrase like, "The place looked deserted" would convey the same emptiness, but without the added baggage.
I also got caught up with the repeating of "nothing." It looks like you're trying to continually increase tension. I would suggest keeping him moving a little more, and showing us some of what he's looking at.
Fill in the "nothing" with what he does see. He isn't seeing nothing, he's seeing a dark alley, littered with torn pieces of paper, a pair of cats eating something unidentifiable out of a greasy paper bag.
posted
I feel like you're telling instead of showing. This whole sequence needs to convey Bill's anxiety--the third paragraph is rushing through exactly what's happening without building up the suspence. A couple of other nits: why is Bill here and who is he? If I knew more about him, I'd be more incline to be worried about him. I also did not like him talking out loud to himself. If he's skulking through alleys I think he should be trying to make as little sound as possible.
Posts: 88 | Registered: Apr 2006
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posted
It's not bad...but it isn't very compelling either. It also doesn't seem terribly plausible...something isn't adding up here. That may be a result of having structured it around a "and it turned out to be Earth/Tang/the butler!" shtick.
I would read further, but my plate is full right now.
posted
Would he think of himself as a "living thing"? Probably not... when I'm on the deserted street, I notice the absence of other people, which might make me think: "Beside myself, there isn't another living thing out tonight." But I don't usually think of myself as a "thing." I'm a person. Everything not me is a thing.
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quote:“What the-?” he jumped sideways. Crouching low he peered into the darkness. Nothing.
What is he reacting to? e.g., "What the ..." Bill thought, as a marching band made it's way down the alley.
Posts: 160 | Registered: Feb 2006
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posted
Thank you to everyone who commented, I appriciate it. I have revised and wish to repost for more comments. Thanks in advance.
Bill glanced nervously up and down the street and wished the transport could have dropped him a little closer to his target. All this skulking through back alleys was beginning to get on his nerves. As far as he could see he was the only person out tonight. That was the problem with these colonial planets, no night life. If there would have been some people out walking around he could have tried to blend in. It’s hard to blend when there’s nothing to blend with. As he turned into the alley he could hear the rustle of muffled footsteps somewhere behind him. He cocked his head slightly, listening intently, but now he could hear nothing. In the alley the buildings cut out even the subdued sounds of the sleeping city. He continued walking and again he heard the footsteps.
p.s. I also noticed that the original post was edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury from the original 13 lines to 8. Are we not supposed to be posting 13 lines?
[This message has been edited by jayazman (edited May 16, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited May 18, 2006).]
quote:I also noticed that the original post was edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury from the original 13 lines to 8.
Discrepencies in line count mean you probably aren't calculating your word count according to established protocol. Set your word document with 1" margins all around, 12 point courier type, and count 13 lines. For more information, check out the "Please Read Here First" section. There is information there about the first 13 lines.
My understanding is that 13 lines also fits exactly into the "post" box when you make your post.
posted
Thanks for the info, I was using Arial font. I didn't realize the font could make such a difference.
Posts: 212 | Registered: Aug 2005
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posted
This reads kind of slow considering that he thinks someone is following him. If he's all alone, he'd probably feel fear which I don't really pick up from your opening.
If there would have been some people out walking around he could have tried to blend in. It’s hard to blend when there’s nothing to blend with. (i'd delete the second line because you're stating redundant information.)
In the first paragraph, "If there would have been..." and "...he could have tried..." would read better if you reworked the tense.
I speak here as one addicted to "some-" words. These words are never descriptive enough, and can generally either be eliminated or changed to more specific designations. I always have to hunt them down in my writing. For instance, in your second paragraph "...footsteps somewhere behind him..." could either lose "somewhere" or read, "...at a distance behind him..." or "...close behind him..." Being more specific helps add or dissipate tension, allowing you to fine tune your scene.
In one of your sentences you use "slightly" and "intently" right on top of each other. One should go. (Again, I am speaking as one addicted to adverbs. My first drafts teem with "-ly" words.)
I was put off by the cricket. I can't imagine anyone would import crickets to a habitable planet. I'd like it better if you substituted some kind of native pest, I think. Maybe it's just me.
I don't have enough information about this character, yet, to care whether or not he's being followed. Is he a soldier on a mission? A theif? A cheating husband? There's no tension, because I have no vested interest in whether or not he reaches his "target." I feel a mild sense of comedy, which keeps me reading, but I think your hook could be improved by eliminating some of the repetitious description of what he hears and concentrating on why he cares if someone follows him.
The first paragraph is almost conversational, and reads quite easily. The second paragraph gets harder, denser, and more complex. Read it out loud, and you'll see what I mean. I like the style of the first paragraph better. As a matter of fact, I like the opening quite a lot, and wish the second paragraph could sustain the tone of the first.
I felt you created more problems than you solved with this revision. I still don't know what the Main Character is doing exactly. If he has a target, why does he wander seemingly aimlessly in the streets?
Also, you have a rhythm problem: many of your sentences are run-on, and quite a fair number of them are short and contribute to a rather unpleasant choppy feeling.
quote:Slavery is slavery whether he entered into it voluntarily or not. The only thing worse for Bill than knowing that his present situation was his own doing, was knowing he dragged his daughter into it with him. Jessica never blamed him, but they both knew it was his fault.
Bill didn’t like being a glamorized errand boy or the tasks that came with it.
Bill glanced nervously up and down the street and wished the transport could have dropped him a little closer to his target for this specific errand. All this skulking through back alleys was beginning to get on his nerves. As far as he could see he was the only person out tonight. That was the problem with these colonial planets, no night life. If there were some people out walking around he could blend in
I was confused in the first paragraph, but liked the 3rd. At that point I knew exactly what was going on (well, not the errand, but I'm not curious about that yet). So what would I suggest for earlier? Not sure, beyond nits (tell us Jessica's age; either past or present tense in 1st sentence but not both). Maybe someone else has an idea.
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