posted
soory thought it would give me a chance to attach it afterwards. so,just looking for some feedback - anything ! thanks so much ! (see below)
Geneva Airport
Geneva airport is, hands down, my favourite airport in the world. From the moment I step from the plane into the understated grey structure until i’m happily on board the train for Lausanne, I have already undergone a mini-journey of memories and personal traditions that are unique to arrival at this circular haven. Brushing my hands along the spiky advrtisements for watches, chocolates and banks, which as a child seemed to be made from glittering silver, is always the first habit, though as an adult I do it with my eyes and mind only, smiling to myself if I catch a mum battling with her daughter not to touch them. Passing the free umbrella stand in the arrivals hall, thinking it has to be the only place in existance with such a trusting attitude, assuming that you will
Written by Gisele North.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited May 18, 2006).]
posted
You're probably going to get edited down... first 13 lines, count them in this way: 12 point courier type, 1" margins.
This reads like a school report. What is your purpose with this snippet? Is this the start of a novel? A short fiction story? Or is it supposed to be non-fiction? We make different comments based on what the genre of the writing is. I would use different criteria to critique a non-fiction piece than I use for fiction.
It's hard for me to get past the technical flaws into the flow of the writing. Your spelling is... in bad need of a basic spell checker. Some of the descriptions... "spiky advertising"? How does advertising, which I envision to be printed on a flat material, become "spiky?" Words like English and French need to be capitalized. Some words, like "landscape" in the last sentence, are repetitive. Hunt out the obvious flaws and eliminate them; THEN I might find it easier to see the flow of the writing.
[This message has been edited by Elan (edited May 18, 2006).]
posted
Thank you !! I appreciate that you took the time to reply. It was written with the idea of submitting to a swiss expat magazine, who are looking for pieces related to travel in the french part of Switzerland. I thought your comments were very true, and I was grateful for the honesty. Gx
Posts: 5 | Registered: May 2006
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posted
I liked it. I felt like I was accompanying someone on not just a physical journey, but also an emotional one. The spiky advertisements also threw me a little, but I got past it. The only thing I had to read twice was this part
quote:...I have already undergone a mini-journey of memories and personal traditions that are unique to arrival at this circular haven.
I would take out the words "arrival at" so it would read "..I have already undergone a mini-journey of memories and personal traditions that are unique to this circular haven."
posted
Suggest checking out the wants of such magazines. If it's for people who've traveled to Switzerland, they might not be interested in another travelogue unless it takes them someplace they haven't been.
Posts: 2830 | Registered: Dec 2004
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posted
I think I would the flavor of this piece if the mechanics were better.
Ditto the others on spiky advertisements.
Also, "Brushing my hands along the spiky advrtisements for watches, chocolates and banks, which as a child seemed to be made from glittering silver," has a misplaced modifier: it makes it sound like the "watches, chocolates and banks" seemed to be made from glittering silver.
In general, it feels like you're trying to cram too much into the sentence. If you're going to do that, consider either structuring your sentences more linearly or using different punctuation (em dashes, semicolons, parenthesis) to break up the digressions (such as the childhood memory) more effectively.
posted
You lost me at 'Hands Down'. Does that mean anything? I picture you putting your hands on the floor for no good reason. I'd take out the first sentence and work in that it's the Geneva airport and your favorite slightly later. I'd start with 'From the moment..'
Posts: 1895 | Registered: Mar 2004
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"Brushing my hands along the spiky advrtisements for watches, chocolates and banks, which as a child seemed to be made from glittering silver, is always the first habit, though as an adult I do it with my eyes and mind only, smiling to myself if I catch a mum battling with her daughter not to touch them."
Read it aloud. You shouldn't be left gasping for air. Why don't you put a period after the words "first habit." Then start out a new sentence: "As an adult I (touch them) with my eyes only..." It gives the reader space to breathe.
posted
Pyre Dynasty - "hands down" is a fairly common phrase in the UK, usually regarding winning something. I suspect it originates in cards - to win "hands down" means to be able to win the game even when the opponent(s) can see all your cards. These days it generally means to win easily, without any effective competition, so "Geneva is, hands down, my favourite airport" implies that it is not merely the auithor's favourite, but the author's favourite by a long, long way.
Now for me, airports is airports (I refer to "entering international-world") and while some may be architecturally more interesting, or more user-friendly, they're still just airports, and airports are somewhere you go through, not to.
IMHO, the narrative is a little too dense. Articles, at least to start with, need to be brisk and light, not daunting and require re-reading (I had to read the "spiky advert" sentence three times and, not having been to Geneva airport, I still don't understand the use of "spiky). Work on shortening the sentences and I think it'll flow a lot better. As noted; read it aloud, back to yourself. If you're struggling for breath, then it's probably in serious need of breaking down...
posted
About this plot: journeys are difficult to pull off well. People musing about their destination tend to get boring because everyone does it and it usually doesn't amount to much. Is this what you were talking about?
Posts: 507 | Registered: Jun 2006
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