posted
Hello all. This is the beginning of a not-quite-finished SF (cyberpunky) novel set in and around Shanghai. I'm looking for any criticsm, and perhaps some people that would be interested in reviewing the whole thing when it's done (though that may be a while :).
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A maglev to Beijing whip-cracked over Izzy’s head doing nearly a thousand klicks, its path raised a dozen meters over the countryside. The sensor array splayed across her shoulder blades felt the magnetic fields that kept the train suspended a few centimeters above its rail, gentle like a distant scream.
She hadn’t seen another person for hours, and then only in the distance. Even the huge trucks that lumbered down the road she followed were unmanned, their onboard computers mindlessly obeying the instructions the smart road gave. Empty. Quiet, too, except for the trucks. Nothing at all like Shanghai.
posted
Hey. I like this. At first I did not get what a maglev was (thought it must have been a Siberian City you'd forgotten to capitalise), nor how it could whip-crack. But once I did I thought, hey this is pretty cool.
Only nit is that you may need to add a couple of commas to make it clear to the knuckleheads (like me) what you mean, like in the sensor array bit.
Also I would hyphenate smart-road
I think you've got a good start. Other words: I'd keep reading.
PS: Let me know when it's ready for a reader.
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited June 05, 2006).]
posted
This isn't bad. The second sentence in your first paragraph is a little weird--I still don't quite understand it after reading it for the fourth time. Overall though, I'd read a little more.
Posts: 329 | Registered: Mar 2005
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posted
the word 'splayed' reads as though the sensor array is actively splaying, rather than having been previously splayed. Posts: 1683 | Registered: Aug 2004
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posted
Really nice opening. Only a couple of minor nits and (and, as is currently being discussed in other forums) they may be totally subjective.
I'd remove "it's path raised" from the first sentence. Seems a little obvious and it slows the sentence down. (Lovely image btw. Whip-cracked seems like the perfect word).
Probably my most subjective one: I'd remove the word "gentle" from the last sentence of the 1st paragraph. I personally feel that no scream, however distant, is ever gentle and don't think that removing the word would hurt the image. But that really is just me.
Finally the sentence "She hadn’t seen another person for hours, and then only in the distance" feels a littke clumsy to me. I'd suggest combining the information into one clause, rather than separating it into two. Something more like (though there is certainly a better way to do this) "The last person she'd seen had been on the horizon." Along those rough lines.
Aside from that I thought this was a great opening. If I had more time I'd really love to read it. I'm just sorry I don't right now.
posted
I think a comma is needed in the first sentence ("...over Izzy's head, doing nearly..."). The last phrase in that sentence is a nice detail, for me, and might be able to stand alone as a separate sentence. (I like the subtle use of "countryside", which contrasts with the presence of the maglev and does a lot to set the scene.)
I dwelt too long on "shoulder blades." Are the sensors attached directly to bone? If not, it might read better if you simply said, "shoulders." If they are attached to bone, you should clarify that fact. (I think my eyes kept getting caught on "blades" because that word broke the rhythm of the sentence. I can't say why, though. Maybe it's unexpected. Comfortable reading, for me, tends to let me expect what is coming next. Too many surprises and I start getting distracted from the story.)
I like this, on the whole. It's entertaining. Even though I don't know much about Izzy yet, I know enough about the setting to want to know why she is there. It's a bit unconventional, but it works.
posted
I knew what "maglev" meant, but if it whip-cracked, there's going to be cars, shrapnel, and bodies flying.
I felt confused, but I think this could easily be fixed by rearranging the order a little. (This is assuming the maglev is relevant.) However you choose to write it, what if you presented the info in this order?
quote: [The road under the maglev track was] Empty. Quiet, too, except for the trucks. Nothing at all like Shanghai.
But then, wasn’t that the point of running away?
She hadn’t seen another person for hours, and then only in the distance. Even the huge trucks that lumbered down the road she followed were unmanned, their onboard computers mindlessly obeying the instructions the smart road gave.
A maglev to Beijing whip-cracked over Izzy’s head ...
See, now I know at once what's up: Izzy's running away; she's from Shanghai; the road's deserted. *Then* I get the details of the maglev. So I don't have to put up a marker ("Who's Izzy and why do I care?") while getting the maglev details, and come back to it later.
But aren't the maglev details exciting? Well, sure, if they're relevant. But I can't care until I know why Izzy cares. (And, to me, your hook isn't the maglev; it's Izzy running away. So it would be cool to see it early. Not that that matters as much in an novel.)
posted
Just noticed you have the word "over" twice in your first sentence. Possibly worth replacing. I did only just notice though so...
Posts: 205 | Registered: Aug 2005
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posted
I had some plausibility issues. Okay, a lot of them. Some of them could be toned down a bit, and others were potentially interesting glimpses of a rather unexpected future. But as it stands, there were just too many of them.
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
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posted
You might have too much sci-fi info in the first three lines. It was a tad difficult to follow. It took me a while to realize how the "train" moved. I know they say you should cut exposition to the max in a beginning and get to the action but you might want to expand those fist three lines into six or seven to get the idea across for us "slow" readers
Posts: 507 | Registered: Jun 2006
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posted
Thanks for the feedback, everyone. I'm in the process of working it into the writing that I've already done and setting some goals for the future :).
Posts: 3 | Registered: Jun 2006
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