posted
((This develops into a fantasy type of story))
I pulled into the parking space and got out of my car, repressed the intense desire to kick my aging brown, rusty Chevy Cavalier and instead walked up to the hood and sat upon it. As I draped my arms across my knees I looked down and noticed a run in my panty-hose.
Wonderful.
The tears came then. I wasn’t crying because of my rusty car or the run in my panty-hose. Nor was I even crying because of him, although I had every right to. Memories rolled over me then. Memories of our first date, first kiss, the first time we made love. Why are firsts so poignant and vibrant? He was everything I had wanted and then nothing.
posted
I like to know why something is happening no later than I find out what's happening. Where is she? Why's she angry? (In paragraph 1.)
"I wasn't crying because..." I'd rather know why she's crying. (Now, she can give evasions. "I wasn't crying because of him" is fine, because of course she is.)
So a little rearrangement would help me like the story. As it is, I'm not hooked, because I still don't know what she's upset about.
Nit: I find it a little hard to believe she really wants to kick her car. Kicking a car hurts! She'd have to be very, very angry.
posted
Okay...first of all, I loved the sentences: "Why are firsts so poignant and vibrant? He was everything I had wanted and then nothing." Its interiorized philosophizing, in a sense, good realism...sure, oftentimes at the outset of a quest, a relationship or an intense pursuit of an interest, things appear roseate, then later we tend to see them either more realistically, as they are, or else we tend to be let down by flaws that we find in (what- or whomever), and then we're motivated to see things as *worse* than what they are/were, our perception colored by our wallowing disappointment.
However, I do need to ask why so much attention is paid to the memories, and analysis of same, of the ex when the MC had all but admitted that she *wasn't* crying because of him, but of something else entirely? The text is presumably following/mirroring the MC's 'interiority', so her ruminations on this man's memories (leading up to the overarching conclusion that he was everything, then not, what she truly desired/expected) tend, to me at least, to indicate that she's actually kinda *kidding herself* by thinking she isn't sad over him. It tends to suggest that, in fact, he is the *very* reason she is in tears, or at least a major reason. Again, my drawing this possible conclusion might have been very well be intentional by you! As in, oftentimes, ego denies the truth that's right at the forefront of our consciousness...with her denial that her ex-lover is the focal point of her dismay, she is realistically portraying that mindtrack we *all* sometimes follow in times of extremis...I'm crushed that Girl dissed me, but I don't really wish to admit that since 1) it's too painful and I wish to supress it or 2) our relationship was way, way too codependant/dysfunctional and my sadness over her indicates to me that I secretly wish to be thrust right back into that maelstrom if I had the chance to get her back. Or more realistically 3), ruminating on Girl's and my downfall synchs with all the other effed-up sh[te that going on in my life right now....boss gettin' on my case, can't pay electric bill, damn dachsund just barfed all over my Benetton wool blazer. Woe is me, nothing just seems to go right. And Mr. Superego responds: Ya know sumthin', yer right, and to prove it, let me give you an flash-cut mental montage of all the past experiential bad sh[te, shall I?
I might be just drawing ineffable, unjustifiable conclusions, or else just reading into things here, but if she is so confused as I am hinting at, then this, to me, serves as motivation for her emotional/psychological development that would play itself out on her (I'm at least half-expecting) her meeting up with whatever preternatural forces/individuals she's predestined to meet/interact with in the remainder of the piece.
Scene 1) Mary Protagonist is confused, sad, dishevelled. In addition, she just can't get around to *admitting* certain things about herself. This psychological tension sets herself up for..
Scene 2) Her meeting some magical stranger who tests her in some way, along such lines in order to bring her, intentionally or no, to ultimately confront her interior dilemma (can't admit confusion, I want X but I meanwhile pretend I want Y).
Scene 3) Tension from stranger's test, interaction, introduction to antagonists or some situation she's unpredictably thrown in, culminates in the rise to the climax at which time, after the battle/confrontation, her innner conflict is resolved. (I know now I want X, and am no longer kidding myself about that fact. My thanks, Stranger. By the way, you're much different from my ex...you seeing anyone right now? Ahh...{ending/denouement left ambiguous})
Now I may have been a little silly at the end there, but I was just demonstrating what was going on in my head, kinda my half-expectations on where this story *might* go, based only on what data I have ready, sure access to...Mary Protagonist is in pain, I care about her dilemmas psychological and otherwise, and you've already told me in the initro that this is a fantasy tale, so I feel I've been kinda geared up to expect some preternatural intervention of some type. And of course, I could be completely reaching here, guessing at things I shouldn't be, as well as utterly misinterpreting what's going on in Mary's headspace. I was just giving you my impressions, making the point that if you in fact *didn't* intend for me to interpret Mary as confused and in denial of something of import, then in that instance I would tend to feel somewhat misled. Either that, or I would just take it as a realistic portrayal of the psychology of someone going through a challenging time.
Gah! I just scrolled up at all I just wrote. Jeez, I should have sent you a book. Ulp! <er, sorry>
One more thing, another bit of reality candy for the jury: I have *no classical educational training whatsoever* in literary theory. I was never an English/creative writing BFA/MFA in college..I only go by what Gut informs me. So take everything I state with a a moderate talon of salt; I'm no monolith, far from it (just have a gander at the Gotterdamerung I'm currently undergoing with my 13-liner under the hot seat in Frags & Feeds).
[edited for content {this film will now fit to your screen}]
[This message has been edited by Nietge (edited June 13, 2006).]
posted
I liked the last few sentences the best. The first paragraph seemed quite long and complex, particularly when I found out about the main character's frame of mind. I would break up the first paragraph into separate sentences, if you choose to keep all the information.
The rusty car gives us characterization, so that's a possible keeper. The run in the pantyhose gives characterization as well, both style and state of mind.
I think you could compress everything you've given us into a couple of sentences, and it would be more powerful. She's about to have a breakdown, let's get to it without all the stalling on details, because the emotion is what's important.
posted
Thank you for the genre. Could you also give the word count and if you want us to critique just the lines or are looking for readers for the whole thing.
Like Will, I don't find anything to make me care about her. She's pissed about a relationship gone sour, but how is her case more special than anybody else? This can be fixed very easily by telling us up front why she's feeling down.
posted
This was fine for me up until "Memories rolled over me then. Memories of our first date, first kiss, the first time we made love. Why are firsts so poignant and vibrant? He was everything I had wanted and then nothing.". Then it just seemed repetitive. I'd rather get an idea of what she is going to do about the situation than just hear all the angst.
posted
This fragment reminds me of why I don't particularly care for first person narratives. I read it, read some of the critiques, and had a strange thought: why is everyone so certain that the MC is female? There is nothing DEFINITIVE in the fragment to say the "I" is a girl "I". I'm not saying that you have to specify the MC gender, because I'm sure the rest of the story clarifies the point quite nicely, and readers (including myself) have already assumed the character to be female. But the first person POV has certain drawbacks, and one of the biggest is that it is hard to describe your MC without resorting to the old mirror trick or an infodump.
As far as the writing goes, I'd like this better with more commas, or better sentence divisions. It's kind of chaotic as it stands.
In general, I'm not hooked. There's nothing in this scene, or this character, that distinguishes the fragment from all of the similarly themed stories I've read before. There are some glimpses, like the rusty car and the snagged hose, and the last two, beautiful, sentences. (Although I'd put a comma in the last sentence, "He was everything I had wanted, and then nothing.") I'd recommend concentrating on those high points, maybe even starting the story at the last two sentences.
posted
This beginning has one big problem: it's the tipical "she was driving thru the snow, tears in her eyes..." (see OSC Uncle Orson's Writing Class). You start in a climax when we don't care enough about the character that it means anything to us. In addition I can just feel the infodump crashing in in the next couple lines, because I assume you're going to tell us why she's crying. Why not start before, have him leaving her or whatever and show us the character react to this. People show themselves as they are by the way they react to crisis.
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