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Hello, and thank you in advance. I'm looking for volunteers to read a short story, a little over 2k words. Opening posted below; if you are interested, please comment and I will be happy to e-mail the full version to you.
To whom we direct this sentiment, or to what, we can’t imagine. It is a thought which slips from us now and again, rushing to a shadow, to a restless darkness on the periphery of our programming. Whatever haunts us, we love it. We love it back.
(earlier)
“...then I learned something about brightness, and I couldn’t kill my boyfriend.” This model’s voice is a soft, faceted murmur. We shift deferentially backwards, as one might to make space for a billowing curtain or a filling balloon, or a flood.
Wires stream from the Lauren model, here a halo and there strange wiry tendrils among her dark cloud of hair.
posted
I'll read it. There are gadgets and bits and I want to know what they do. Something between the first and second paragraph is losing me, though, unless that is a gap that, in your story, you have filled in that you didn't put in here.
posted
I'll read, if the rest is like that beginning I'll enjoy it. Send it in. I'll do my best to critique it. Posts: 507 | Registered: Jun 2006
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posted
Interesting...a bit risky with the indefinites, particularly the scene (and POV?) shift in the first thirteen. I'm not up to reading it right now. Maybe later.
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
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Only the last half of the last sentence bothers me. "strange wiry tendrils among her dark cloud of hair."
Taking it apart a bit:
"strange, wiry"--too many adjectives, I'd pick one, probably 'wiry'
"tendrils"--smacks of thesaurus-itis. Is there a simpler word?
"her dark cloud of hair"--this is a cliché. Unless you're aiming for a cliché then I'd change the image.
Apart from that though, I really enjoyed it. Maybe that last sentence bothered me so much because the style up until that point had been really quite beautiful.
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I'm obviously in the minority here, but I didn't at all get what was happening. It took careful re-reading for me to get that "we" meant "I" (I think) and that "model" meant "simulated person" not "cover girl." It was just a lot of work, and I still don't really know what's going on.
Posts: 2830 | Registered: Dec 2004
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No, that lack of clarity is part of the text. The narrator isn't a human, of course, nor is it a discrete, unified entity. "We" is thus used well, but I found the unreferenced pronoun usage troubling anyway. "Model" means "type" or "version" here, not "simulated person" as such (though it does refer to an android, or gynoid if you prefer).
I think that stories of this type should be written with the intention of being accessable outside of the rather narrow audience that would find this opening comprehensible.
posted
I also found it difficult to fully understand. I like the writing, so I would read all 2k. I haven't helped out for a full short story yet, and others have helped me. Time to put in my two bits.
Anyways, seeing as I am also writing Sci Fi, I'm sure by sorting through your text I can help the both of us.
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