posted
I'm trying my hand at something a little bit different. I'm not very far into it, but I'm thinking it's going to be some sort of thriller. Anywho, I'll post the first 13 lines.
- The desire to put them out of their misery was incredible. He could do it. Just one quick movement, a little click, and it would all be over. No big deal.Of course, it would mean they would have wasted the last hour of their life.
Paul usually took joy in movies like this, but this one was just becoming aggravating. All three of the kids and Mary were completely enthralled. Paul, though, could see through the disguise. He knew that Pee Wee Herman’s Big Adventure was nothing more than a non-sense movie.
It was past the kids bed-time, and Mary would regret staying up this late when she went to work tomorrow. So, despite his better judgement, “Click.” The TV screen turned off, accompanied only by the injured moans from his children.
END PASSAGE
(There you go. I don't know if it grabs the attention enough.)
Edit: I don't know if all of it will still be there soon. I did the first 13 (or so) sentences...
[This message has been edited by WilliamHenryHarrison (edited June 27, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by WilliamHenryHarrison (edited June 27, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by WilliamHenryHarrison (edited June 27, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by WilliamHenryHarrison (edited June 27, 2006).]
quote:They wanted to know the ending, but it just wouldn’t come.
This threw me out of the story. I thought it was a high-brow literary comment on wanting to live, which seemed out of keeping with the earlier stuff. When I realized that it was a comment on the movie, well, I felt cheated. I don't think I would have if you had skipped it, but it's hard to say.
Posts: 2022 | Registered: Jul 2003
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posted
Sorry. When I'm critiquing, I tend to tell how a story makes me react and let the author decide how they want to deal with it.
If I were editing, which is different, I'd take that line out and the one about the explosion. A bait and switch like this is delicate. You are catching the reader's attention with false tension. So after they realize that, there has to be some immediate reason to stay with the story, otherwise, you've got a let-down, right at the beginning.
posted
It doesn't make it for me. I feel cheated, because you let on that the guy is talking about life and death instead of a kids movie. I dislike the MC: turning the TV off for your kids may be fine, but your wife can surelly decide for herself. That could go in your favour, and make the guy interesting. If that's what you want, fine, but rub it in in the next lines. In "put them all out of their misery" cut the "all" for easier reading.
Posts: 507 | Registered: Jun 2006
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posted
Paragraph 1 seems designed to trick us into thinking that "he" is thinking of killing someone. I don't like being tricked. I'd put the story down for that reason.
I'd say, just tell us the story as it happens.
Nit: Pee Wee Herman's Big Adventure was one of the most moving and powerful films of the past century.
posted
I think that character's criticism of the movie is off. It's a farce on Hollywood, and a pretty good one at that. So having the character get aggravated by the nonsense of a farce only shows that the character is easily aggravated. I don't know if this is a trait you're trying to show here. Is he going to get abusive at a later part of the story? I would reserve most criticism to come from the antagonists.
I didn't like the deceptive first paragraph either. This kind of tricky beginning can work for columns in magazines and newspapers to get people reading the article, but it doesn't hold the attention for long and quickly leads into hopefully interesting facts. You're looking to keep the reader's attention a bit longer.
posted
In your opening, you accuse PWHBA of an artistic failing that you've actually committed in the preceding few lines. Whether or not we believe that PWHBA is actually guilty of anything like this, your story clearly is. And you make it a cause for not wasting any more time on it.
In essence, you told me, and everyone else, that only a brain dead zombie would keep reading a story like yours. Yes, it's funny, but it keeps people from reading your story.
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