posted
It looked like a million stars floating on a scarlet sky. Swirling rainbows painted the reflection. He poked at the face in the puddle. "Sticky" he thought, "damn sticky." Somewhere in the distance a gospel song crept through the trees and danced on the body that lie in the puddle. He never did like the taste of blood and bile in the air. "Poor bastard," came a voice from behind. "He missed one hell of a nice night."
<edited for a typo>
[This message has been edited by Grex21 (edited June 24, 2006).]
You way with imagery is nice, but I think you tend to go a little overboard with it. I'm often guilty of the same thing. I am trying to use, not simple, but straight forward language and just a touch of the fancy stuff. I think that could help your story too.
Right now, I'm not sure what's going on. What's being reflected or who? The narrator? What's with the sticky bit? I'm lost, or where's the yellow brick road? I think I got stuck on the night sky simply because of the imagery you used. As an impartial reader, discovering a new author, I'm not sure if I'd like to read more, or if I'd pass on this story. (Although actually, as a writer myself, I feel you have talent so I would look forward to a revision or perhaps a longer piece just to see what happens.)
Take my comments with a grain of salt, and please keep in mind that I'm only trying to help, but you know what your plans are for this piece, so take what you can use, and feel free to just trash the rest.
posted
It's confusing. It sounds like you're trying a little too hard. But its pretty good imagery. I think you should tone down the description a little. Floating stars and swirling rainbows are not what one would immediately associate with a dead body in a pool of blood. If that was intentional then it shows your POV character is a cold-blooded, apathetic, or perhaps even sadistic person. If not, then I suggest changing the tone from happy rainbows and stars to one of that suggests a less happy aura.
The character needs a name. Its only the first paragraph so I guess that's okay, but the sooner you give him one, the better, especially since there's a second character in the scene now.
posted
Great advice! I guess it's been so long since I have written that I was trying tooooo hard. I'll do a rewrite and see if it's any better. I checked a few of my favorite writers and I see more clearly what you mean. I was trying to go for a visceral contrast - I guess I didn't do so well.
Posts: 5 | Registered: Jun 2006
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posted
I am trying to go for the dry humor that you find in "the last boyscout". I am probably really, really bad at it, but you have to start somewhere.
He knelt over the body and saw the reflection of the night sky in the pool of blood at his feet. He poked at it. "sticky" he thought, "damn sticky." It was a cool, calm night except for the gopsel concert playing in the quad down the street. But it was dark and uninhabited at the end of the street where the body lay(lie?). He didn't like the taste of blood and bile in the air.
"Poor bastard," came a voice from behind. "He's missing one hell of a nice night."
"I hate blood, you can't get it off once it's dried on you" Mike took a rag from his pocket and wiped his finger. "It took you long enough to get here."
"Sorry, the wife made penne tonight." John looked taller from the ground where Mike knelt. "How'd he die?"
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited June 25, 2006).]
posted
Okay, Grex, that was way, way better. Now I am totally interested. I definately want to know more about someone who can say, "I ran him over, my wife is gonna be pissed." This looks to be very cool.
posted
I enjoyed the re-write as well. It drew me in immediately. Now I can't wait to read more. Good job!
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