The Fear of Evil.
Reykjavik, Iceland
“Master, our food supply is running dangerously low and the vampires are growing sick of the blood of animals. They want the fresh blood of humans.”
The voice was from a small old man. His face was wrinkled and one of his eyes was replaced with a glass eye and his voice was very scratchy.
“How many times do I have to tell you, Abraham,” said a man in the shadows. “Only a few more weeks and my plans will be completed.”
The man stepped out of the darkness and into the light. The light around him dimmed substantially. His skin was less wrinkled than Abraham, but his skin was very pale. His hair was grey and his eyes were as dark and eerie as the abyss.

We'd be very happy to help you, but please go back to the "Please Read This First" section of the forums.

If you follow the directions there, you're more likely to (a) understand what participants in the forum expect from each other and (b) understand the reasoning behind it, which will (c) maximize the value that the forum will provide and (d) minimize the frustration of the other participants. Otherwise there'll probably be some unintentional headbutting and confusion about what you hear back.

I'm an amateur too, so I understand your desire for feedback. So please, go here:

http://www.hatrack.com/forums/writers/cgi/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Please+Read+Here+First&number=6&DaysPrune=45

...and then come back so that we can help with your story.

Some plus points:-

1) You obviously have a clear idea of where your story is going.
2) There are some nice turns of phrase in the piece, e.g. *The man stepped out of the darkness and into the light. The light around him dimmed substantially.* While not [erfect, this succeeds in creating the desired effect. From this sentence alone we know this is a bad guy.

However, and its a big however, there are far more negatives than there are positives.

Please don't take these to heart, I hope they help you, and none of us like it when one of our 'babies' is criticised.

1) The plot seems to be a reheat of a common story and I can;t really find a fresh slant to get me interested. As I said, you obviously know where you want it to go, which is a good thing but its too easy for the reader to tell where its going to go. This is less of a good thing.

2) The plot hurtles along and seems rushed. We never really get to experience any of the characters feelings or responses, beyond being told 'he was scared'. Show not tell, cliched but true.

3) The plot is implausible. Not in the sense of vampires per se, but if you want me to believe in vampires then you have to make sure I suspend my disbelief. Make your world plausible.

4) Do you read out your dialogue? Try it. I found the dialogue almost painful to read. Sorry, I know that's harsh but its how I felt. It was almost a pastiche at times.

At times I actually thought this might be a pastiche. Some of the lines were so melodramatic, e.g

*On the way to the Professor, Jeff wondered how he was going to tell Sara and her friends that he came from a line of slayers. And how would their parents react to such news?*

I had to smile at this.

The point isn't to have your first draft not suck -- and I still haven't read it, by the way, so I'm not saying it does -- it's to make the final version excellent. Drive on.