posted
I figured I would just go right up and post the first 13 lines of my idea for a novel while I am here. I am new here; so forgive me if it is not kosher to post so early in my time at this forum.
I would like to start the novel with this first person dialogue of Garrtoone Blueruby, the protagonist of the story. This is a recording of Garrtoone's personal audio journal. I thought I'd begin with this in the prologue with the dream told though the eyes of the dreamer in a third person closed perspective.
Now, without further adieu... the beginning in bite-sized, thirteen line form...
You know... I think it all started with the dream. I’ve heard many of the “magicals” started that way. It starts with a vivid dream about something from a fairy tale, like a dragon flying or a unicorn running across an open green field of little dancing lights made by some pixies in pink tutus. Or it was some kind of religious figure granting them the “power of their faith.” I never had my dream that simple though. Now, looking back, it makes sense, but at the time, they were basically just... really f----d up. It was like... living within another time and place with a feeling that I belonged there, in a world that no longer existed. I could feel, more than anything, that I wanted this world back. Now that it’s here, now that I recreated it, all I ask myself now is... “What’s next?”
posted
Not a bad opening. The voice is easy and unaffected, though the use of "magicals" kind a grated. For the record, don't bother to tell us things that a person picking up your manuscript wouldn't know. That would mostly boil down to page count, genre, and title (and intended venue, I suppose).
There is a danger in opening with a first person monologue. It can easily be mistaken for narrative. This fragment doesn't seem like narrative, but it could just be read as not very coherent narrative or something. It would have been good to post it without the explanation that it's a journal entry, that way you could see whether the text itself was sufficient.
Since this is a novel, you could also have titled this something like "From the Journal of Garrtoone Blueruby". Of course, that would have put your character's very silly name right up front. It currently doesn't affect your text because it isn't included, but it's a stupid sounding name. If you have a really good reason for that name, then it's okay, but you have to show the reader the reason very soon after introducing that name. Or you could start with the header of the entry "Audio journal on, uh...Thursday, June." There are good ways to say "Dear diary" that aren't "Dear diary". Sticking a post-it on the front of your manuscript isn't one of them.
posted
You use "it" in the first and third sentences, but not in reference to the same things. As you also do not specify what "it" is in either construction, I got confused. (I'd fix this by starting the third sentence: "The dreams are about things...")
You have several more repetitions of "it", and the fragment would have more clarity if you replaced most of them with specifics. i.e. "Now looking back, my dream makes sense..."
You switch verb tenses a few times, and I am surprised that the switches work as well as they do. If I were writing this, I'd be uncomfortable with such inconsistencies, but I can't say I'd quit reading if you left them as-is. (I might after a while, though, if every paragraph continues in the same vein.)
I'd like more explanation about "magicals", as I couldn't infer what a "magical" is from this fragment.
In all fairness, I have to say I'd quit reading this if the obscenities continue. I just believe most stories can be told with easier language, without relying on the shock factor obscene and profane words bring into the text. Maybe I'm among the minority of readers with this sentiment, but that's how I read.
posted
I was with you (I like your POV character's attitude) til this line:
Now that it’s here, now that I recreated it, all I ask myself now is... “What’s next?”
And that had me going, 'Awww you gave him what he wanted in the first paragraph, now where is the story?' There's a way to express how bad he wants something and his ambivalence toward it when he finally gets it without leading the reader to temporarily think this is a story about how he got it. For example, tell us he has it and now isn't sure he wants it before you tell us how bad he wanted it when he didn't have it.
posted
Garrtoone Blueruby Why the two "r"? It's jarring to read. I've tried pronouncing the name out loud: Blueruby is all b and rs. Difficult if you're reading aloud and jarring if you are not.
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posted
This opening didn't really work for me. I had to read it several times, then at the conclusion just said "Huh?"
Opening a novel with a dream sequence - OK technically this isn't a dream sequence, but a remembrance of dreaming (just as bad)- seems a weak place to begin for me. It has been done to death.
Out of the whole opening the only thing that interested me was the comment that "now that I recreated it." Other than that it didn't hold anything new or interesting for me.
posted
When you said prologue, I thought, sheesh. Why a prolog? Why not start with your story? But maybe this is starting with the story.
I liked your narrator a lot; I want to hear more of him. My suggestions are about antecedents to pronouns -- things that confused me.
You know... I think it all started with the dream. I’ve heard many of the “magicals” started that way. It [WHAT STARTS? NARRATOR'S DREAM? I CAN'T IDENTIFY ANY OTHER "IT" HERE -- BUT IT *SOUNDS* LIKE WHAT YOU MEANT WAS "THE DREAMS OF THE MAGICALS"] starts with a vivid dream about something from a fairy tale, like a dragon flying or a unicorn running across an open green field of little dancing lights made by some pixies in pink tutus. Or it was some kind of religious figure granting them the “power of their faith.” I never had my dream that simple though. [WHAT DID YOU HAVE INSTEAD?] Now, looking back, it makes sense, but at the time, they [WHO'S "THEY"?] were basically just[...] really f----d up. It was like[...] living within another time and place with a feeling that I belonged there, in a world that no longer existed. I could feel, more than anything, that I wanted this world back. [BUT I THOUGHT YOU FELT LIKE YOU BELONGED IN THAT OTHER WORLD. I'M CONFUSED.] Now that it’s here, now that I recreated it, all I ask myself now is... “What’s next?” [ON REREADING, I SEE WHAT THIS MEANS CLEARLY. BEFORE, I DIDN'T KNOW. BE MORE OBVIOUS, I THINK. "MY DREAM FELT LIKE LIVING WITHIN ANOTHER TIME AND PLACE . . . IN A WORLD THAT I SOMEHOW KNEW NO LONGER EXISTED. BUT I COULD FEEL, NONETHELESS, THAT I WANTED THIS PRESENT WORLD BACK. [PARAGRAPH] SO I RECREATED IT. AND NOW THAT IT'S HERE ...
THIS LAST BIT ADDS MORE ANTECEDENTS AND TAKES THE BIG NEWS -- RECREATING A WORLD -- AND PUTS IT FRONT AND CENTER IN ITS OWN SENTENCE, RATHER THAN BURIED IN A CLAUSE.
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