posted
Once again I've tweaked the intro to my prologue so how about this?
“Oh lord, keep us strong, that our feet may carry us into battle…” A voice whispered from one of the elders, “Their voices sound like the Seraphs themselves”. Upon hearing this Thedaran blushed and bowed his head. “Guide our souls that we may live a life of light, never treading in darkness,” Darcus sang. Thedaran looked at the great council knowing that today they would become a Knight of Aurien, sworn to defend his land against darkness, so he was taught. They sang with heads raised high proclaiming to Higwe, the Lord of All “May your light shine in our hearts and flash on our blades as we destroy our enemies.” Both men wore a black robe and a red sash; the robes
I have a question, A voice whispered from one of the elders, is that grammatically correct?Thanx!
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited July 08, 2006).]
posted
“Oh lord, keep us strong, that our feet may carry us into battle…” A voice whispered from one of the elders, “Their voices sound like the Seraphs themselves”. Upon hearing this Thedaran blushed and bowed his head.
[I think 'one of the elders whispered' is probably more correct and less confusing.]
“Guide our souls that we may live a life of light, never treading in darkness,” Darcus sang. Thedaran looked at the great council knowing that today they would become a Knight of Aurien, sworn to defend his land against darkness, so he was taught.
[Shouldn't it read: 'knowing that today they would become Knights of Aurien'?]
They sang with heads raised high proclaiming to Higwe, the Lord of All “May your light shine in our hearts and flash on our blades as we destroy our enemies.” Both men wore a black robe and a red sash; the robes glistened in the reflection of the floor.
[Should it be 'black robes and red sashes or black robes tied with red sashes? Not sure, that sash part doesn't sound right when I tried to make it plural.]
The floor was made of marble, laid by the Ancients themselves.” May your face shine on us, for we are your willing servants!” These two young men filled the people of Jorheim with pride, for these two would follow the steps of their fathers, and those before them.
[You might not want to use 'these two' twice in one sentence, or maybe at all, that last sentence reads a little awkward. Maybe 'The two young men' instead of these?]
posted
“Oh lord, keep us strong, that our feet may carry us into battle…” One of the elders whispered, “Their voices sound like the Seraphs themselves”. Upon hearing this Thedaran blushed and bowed his head. “Guide our souls that we may live a life of light, never treading in darkness,” Darcus sang. Thedaran looked at the great council understanding that today they would become a Knights of Aurien, sworn to defend his land against darkness, so he was taught by his father. They sang with heads raised high proclaiming to Higwe, the Lord of All “May your light shine in our hearts and flash on our blades as we destroy our enemies.”
Is that better?
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited July 08, 2006).]
posted
New to critiquing so please bear that in mind
Thedaran looked at the great council understanding that today they would become a Knights of Aurien, sworn to defend his land against darkness, so he was taught by his father.
This line seems to have a mix of POV , they would, his land, he was taught...I understand two characters are becoming knights but the switch to Thedaran seems unbalanced - either @their land' etc or he would become
posted
The word "Lord" used in this context (the opening prayer), implying a deity that is being petitioned for protection, should be capitalized as it is being used as a Proper Noun.
[This message has been edited by Elan (edited July 08, 2006).]
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