posted
“Oh lord, keep us strong,so that our feet may carry us into battle…” their voices sang rising in unison in the Great Hall. Two young men kneeling as the Elders looked on with pride on these two men as they sang in voices that must have come from the Valkyries themselves. “Guide our souls that we may live a life of light, never treading in darkness.” They sang with heads raised high proclaiming to Higwe, the Lord of all, “May your light shine in our hearts and flash on our blades as we destroy our enemies.” Both men wore a black robe and a red sash knelt in front of the Council of Elders.
posted
The setting and situation is clear. One thing did annoy a little.
I would consider splitting the second sentence in two to avoid confusion. I had to read it twice. I would also put the young men in the first sentence where their voices are mentioned.
posted
The setting is clear, but in many ways the writing is not.
*Two young men kneeling as the Elders looked on with pride on these two men as they sang in voices that must have come from the Valkyries themselves.* A clumsy sentence, especially in respect of the repetition of the two men.
*Both men wore a black robe and a red sash knelt in front of the Council of Elders* We've already been told that these two men are kneeling.
I found this piece quite hard to comment on. In many ways it succeeds as I found myself able to picture the scene but I think it needs some cleaning up.
posted
Is this 13 lines? It feels like a lot less. The second sentence needs work. "Two young men kneeling _as_ the Elders looked on with pride on these two men _as_ they sang in voices that must have come from the Valkyries themselves. " There's a problem with grammar and three twists in narrative: first it's about the two men, then no! it's about the Elders who watch them, then back to the men. I'm assuming your POV is with the Elders, since you compare the men's voices to the voices of Valkyries, but since you started out talking about a nameless "they", I can't be sure. I'd need to read a bit more before I can tell you more. It's too short to tell if I'd keep reading or not
edited for grammatical clarity
[This message has been edited by Sara Genge (edited July 05, 2006).]
I'm not hooked. I think you have the same problem here as if you'd excerpted part of a graduation (not the speech; that might be interesting) or a sports game, or someone cooking ("She then took 1/4 tsp of salt, and mixed well..."). A game might be interesting to watch, but not to read about. A church service is much the same (except possibly the sermon). Now, you can follow the internal reactions of someone in the service; or how kids in the pews are kicking and Mom's trying to control them; but the liturgy itself is really only gripping if we're part of it (in our own services, or doing spiritual practice at home). Same for a military commissioning ceremony, which this also is. A little goes a long way.
So, suggestions:
Go deep into the thoughts of someone in this service, and show his inner conflicts, worries, etc., with an occasional snippet of liturgy.
Start elsewhere. (And still, probably, go deep into someone's thoughts.)
posted
I agree with the above comments. It would be more informative of the characters if we had a deep POV. However, I did like the setting and was able to set the scene in my mind.
(Sorry about the edit)
At this point I'm assuming the story is about the "two young men", but it could be about the elders for all we know. A POV would probably clear this up. If neither are the MC, then maybe you should start with his/her POV of the ceremony.
[This message has been edited by debrix (edited July 07, 2006).]
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