posted
Fantasy, a bit more than 3200 words. This is a total re-write of a previous posting, looking to be re-critted, is that such a word? Please let me know if you'd like to read the remainder.
Thanks in advance.
The flutterby landed clumsily on the balustrade. Hestan noted the blue and yellows of its usually brilliant wings were faded from exhaustion. He heard his mother’s soft coaxing of the creature onto her arm and the offer of a drink from her thin porcelain cup. He considered the comings and goings of the Lesser Kindred a nuisance, but their arrivals had been steady for these past two weeks, and although he was reluctant to admit it, his curiosity was aroused. Hestan turned and departed, the fine gray wool of his cloak swirled then slapped at his heels as he lengthened his stride from the balcony room.
Edited to correct the error Sara pointed out, oops, time for more coffee.
[This message has been edited by mommiller (edited July 07, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by mommiller (edited July 07, 2006).]
The nits: My first reaction was: why flutterby? It sounded silly. Then I thought, hey, it could be a weird butterfly, or they MC might be a kid...
-------------------------------------------------------- Hestan noted the blue and yellows of its usually brilliant wings were faded from exhaustion. He heard his mother’s soft coaxing of the creature onto her arm and offered a drink from her thin porcelain cup. -------------------------------------------------------- First phrase: can you rewrite it into something simpler? Just saying that "its wings, usually bright, were faded with exhaustion" would be easier to read. Your phrase isn't that bad though, so I don't think ignoring me will do that much harm. Second phrase: has the potential to be beautiful. The nit is that the subject changes from the fist part to the second (1st subject is "he" who hears his mother's coaxing, 2nd subject is "his mother") and you've ommited the second subject, which is incorrect in English.
Otherwise I like it. The only problem I see is that nothing much happens, but hey, it's only the beginning. I only need good writing to hook me.
posted
When I read through this (the first and second time) the cadence of the phrasing really threw me off.
The sentences don't seem to flow well. The third sentence has too many phrases strung together. Consider - "he considered them a nuisance, but they arrived steadily, and although reluctant to admit it, he was curious." These just don't flow logically for me.
Minor POV problem - He heard his mother's soft coaxing of the creature onto her arm. But he would see the last bit (or she would).
The last sentence could be pared without losing anything I think - Hestan turned and departed, the fine gray wool of his cloak swirling at his heels as he strode from the balcony room.
posted
I think you have a good start on putting the reader into a setting, with characters doing something in that setting, so that makes me want to keep reading, other than that, I can't think of anything that hasn't been said.
Posts: 187 | Registered: Jun 2006
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posted
Thanks for your imput everyone. I made some changes to hopefully increase readability.
The flutterby landed clumsily on the balustrade, its brilliant wings faded with exhaustion. Hestan heard his mother’s soft voice as she coaxed the fragile creature onto her arm and saw her offer it a drink from her own cup from his shadowed vantage point in the room. Flutterbies, so named by the humans for their resemblance to a similar yet less intelligent creature in their lands, arrived steadily these past two weeks. Hestan considered them little more than a nuisance, but even his curiosity was now aroused. Hestan turned and departed, the fine gray wool of his cloak swirled than slapped at his heels as he lengthened his stride from the balcony room.
Would you read more? I am looking for a few good critiques of the entire prologue which is only 3200 words in length. Thanks.
posted
I would read the rest of it, you can send it to usedtoacoustic@yahoo.com. Overall I find it interesting.
On this part, first the small things. I might just get rid of the "brilliant wings faded with exhaustion" -- because isn't it more dirt and time that would make its wings fade, unless the wings somehow read its physical state? I don't know, that might just be a personal thing. The second sentence is also a little long and cumbersome - I usually wouldn't mind but it's so soon into the reading that it threw me. I might take out "in their lands", too, and put a "had" in front of "arrived". You need an "and" after the first comma of the last sentence, or else those are two sentences that should stand on their own. "Lengthened" seems wrong or not needed - "as he strode from the balcony" (and why is it a balcony room? I can't picture such a thing?) might be better.
But more importantly, I don't understand why Hestan's curiosity was suddenly aroused - because his mother is interested in the flutterby? - or why that comment is followed by Hestan just leaving. Wouldn't he go see check out the flutterby if he was curious? You might clarify this in the next lines, though.
The flutterby [THIS SOUNDS LIKE A WRITER INVENTION TO ME, NOT A REAL WORD] landed clumsily on the balustrade, its brilliant wings faded with exhaustion [HOW DOES HESTAN KNOW IT'S EXHAUSTED?]. Hestan heard his mother’s soft voice as she coaxed the fragile creature onto her arm and saw her offer it a drink from her own cup from his shadowed vantage point in the room. [WHY IS HE HIDING? I WANT TO KNOW, RIGHT NOW. DO WE KNOW WHY HIS MOTHER IS FEEDING THIS THING?]
Flutterbies, so named by the humans for their resemblance to a similar yet less intelligent creature in their lands, HAD arrived steadily these past two weeks. Hestan considered them little more than a nuisance [WHY IS THAT?], but even his curiosity was now aroused. [WHY?] Hestan turned and departed, the fine gray wool of his cloak swirled than slapped at his heels as he lengthened his stride from the balcony room. [I HAD AN IDEA HE WAS A BOY, BUT NOW I THINK HE'S A MAN. NOT SURE!]
posted
I didn't find it that hard to follow, but a few things made me pause:
quote:Hestan heard his mother’s soft voice as she coaxed the fragile creature onto her arm and saw her offer it a drink from her own cup from his shadowed vantage point in the room.
This is run-on. The "shadowed vantage point in the room" made it difficult for me to follow what's going on here.
quote:Flutterbies, so named by the humans for their resemblance to a similar yet less intelligent creature in their lands.
This to me feels typically like a "response to crits". As an infodump, it's a bit too clumsy for my own taste. And really, as a reader, all I want to know is what the creature looks like (I have a couple of clues already that are enough for me right now--although if flutterbies become important to the story, I'll want to know more about it: it has brilliant wings the colour of which changes with its mood, it's small--because Hestan's mother can hold it on her arms.). Personally, I don't much care about why they're named "flutterby". Though it is a rather disturbing word because it's so close to "butterfly".
quote:Hestan turned and departed, the fine gray wool of his cloak swirled than slapped at his heels as he lengthened his stride from the balcony room.
Same, run-on sentence. Also, it's most probably out of Hestan's POV--it's unlikely he'd see the behaviour of his coat at the heels or describe it as "swirling" if he's inside.
One thing I want to know, (and at some near point in the future) is why Hestan isn't privy to his mother's dealings with the creatures (this ties in with his mother's occupation--why are they arriving at her house in particular? Or are they arriving at every human's house?)
If you need one more (not very speedy) reader, send it my way.
posted
I have a rose named "flutterby." My only problem with the word is that it sounds like babytalk, but I wouldn't say you need to change it. Just be aware of how it affects the reader.
I think I like your first fragment better than the second. One thing that confused me in both, he begins to be curious about the Lesser Kindred, but then he leaves the room. It just seemed a little inconsistent to me, as I expected him to move closer and try to eavesdrop, or something.
I'm not sure I like the phrase "landed clumsily". You might try a better verb, "The flutterby collapsed on the balustrade..." (Well, that's not better...just trying to illustrate my idea.)
I like it, though. (I liked the story idea the first time you posted it, too.) For me, the best part of the hook is the "Lesser Kindred."
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