posted
This is the first fragment that I've submitted for feedback, and it's the opening paragraph for a story that I'm toying with. From the fragment, you might get the impression that it's Lovecraftian, and I intended to give that impression, but actually, for want of a better description, it's 'The Night Land' meets 'The Book of the New Sun'. Kind of.
When I close my eyes I see such eldritch and uncanny things. I gaze upon two worlds; when my eyes are open it is the one we share, but, when they are closed, it is another place. Glaring lights imprint dark spots upon our eyes; sometimes it is the glimpsed reflection of the sun upon the snow or the shifting surface of a lake, the sharp flicker of a light bulb seated in a faulty socket or the glare from the undimmed headlights of an oncoming car at night. The memories of these bright images, these burning impressions, hide for a short time behind our eyelids, and when we blink they reveal themselves as black dancing spots. This is how it is for most people, but not for me. For most people, the dancers fade, but my dancers never do.
posted
I like it. The start with the MC commenting on his/her ability to see "uncanny" things and the description of those things in terms of common, everyday things the reader can understand. It's all clear to me. I'm waiting for the shoe to fall. What is bothering the MC now? I want to know.
posted
I got a little confused at the start. You say, "When I close my eyes..." then move to "I gaze upon two worlds..." So I thought he saw two worlds at the same time, but only when he had his eyes closed, which made the last clause of the second sentence seem contradictory. (This may just be me. Other readers might follow you more readily, but I got a little confused.)
The shift to talking about "our eyes" distracted me, because I couldn't follow that he was talking about people in general. I wondered if he had a companion that I had missed reading about, and started over. You might consider bringing that second to last sentence further up in the paragraph. (i.e. "For most people, glaring lights imprint..." etc.) Additionally, if you did that, the reference to "black dancing spots" would not be separated from the last sentence, and the metaphor would hold up better.
I like your fragment. I'd keep reading because I like the way you handle the imagery. I'm not familiar with either of the books you mention, and I'm not sure you need to preface your writing with any kind of comparison...I thought the piece was quite good on its own.
posted
It's not terrible. In fact, I kind of like the way you speak directly to the readers and bring them into the story. But when you start doing something like that, you have to be consistent and you're not.
For example, you keep referring to a "we" in the beginning, but at the end, you change the POV and refer to "most people." This jerked me out of the story. Also, your fourth sentence is narratively incorrect. He's saying this is what happens to "you" when you get these bright images, not "us." Because he's different than them.
I also think that you need to think about who the narrator is talking to. The reason why third person POV works better for so many readers is that we already assume that the story is written for us. But in first person, the narrator may be telling the story to us, but it's just as possible that it's being written to someone else, like a close friend or family member, a society, or to nobody in particular. Since you're talking directly to the audience, you need to know who the narrator is talking to, and I don't feel like you do.
As it is, I'd read on but I'd be hesitant in doing so.
posted
Thanks for the feedback that I've received so far. It's useful stuff, for sure.
I'd like to clarify a few things:
The narrator is specifically speaking to the reader. Not just any reader, but you. At least, that's how I intend it to seem.
He is both mentally traumatised and struggling to describe experiences which he considers indescribable. I've tried to adopt a somewhat fractured writing style with oddly worded metaphores to show his state of mind. I'm not sure if this is effective or just confusing for the reader.
Take a bit of time to clean up the imagry. If the POV is talking to me, he's not going to associate himself with "me." There should be no "us" although the "world we share" didn't bother me.
Since I don't know the story's lenght (projected or actual) it is hard to say if I'd read on. At any word count, I'd want to know who the POV is (male/female/name) and a location very soon. Is the world we share earth?
Also, why is he telling us this story? Is he talking to a psychologist trying to work through the trauma? Trying to justify (externally) his actions? What? If you can answer those questions on motive your narrative should smooth itself out because now you have a reason and a spin.
posted
There is a very definite reason why he is speaking directly to *you* the reader, and it is an integral part of the story. Accordingly, "the world we share" refers to the real world.
This is a broken, defeated man, struggling to describe something he feels inadequate to describe; unsure of where to begin, or even how to begin. I think that the lines that come after the first thirteen that I've provided here clarify this, but of course I couldn't include them. I suspect that if the character calmly, eloquently and succinctly described his experiences then then his mental state might not be adequately conveyed to the reader.
Having said that, I'll think about the criticisms that I've so far received and see if I can revise for clarity. Thanks!
[This message has been edited by JustLuke (edited July 13, 2006).]
posted
I would read on, but I would skip, hoping to get to something more interesting or action-packed. The reason is that there's a lot in this paragraph that isn't needed IMJ.
I'm not suggesting this be your opening paragraph, but I am showing, I believe, the level of cutting you could do.
When I close my eyes I see such eldritch and uncanny things: another place. Glaring lights imprint dark spots upon our eyes. The memories of these bright images hide for a short time behind our eyelids, and when we blink they reveal themselves as black dancing spots. For most people, the dancers fade, but my dancers never do.
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