posted
just looking for a crit on the first 13. is the situation too confusing in this beginning or is it fairly clear what is happening? is there a hook? can you as the reader establish who is the MC or did i introduce too many characters in this opening? thanks.
“You want to hit me don’t you?”, Larry said with a malicious grin that almost made Bryce wince. “You won’t though, will you? You’re too afraid. Even now you’re shaking.” With each step that Larry inched forward Bryce could smell the alcohol seeping through his pores. And Bryce was shaking, but not entirely out of fear. Mostly, it was rage. “If you ever raise a had to her again I swear you’ll regret it.” said Bryce, his voice quivering as he as he looked upon his mother. With an empty, accusing stare in her tear filled eyes she looked as if she suffered from an agony beyond anything physical, and that pain had eclipsed all joy she had ever felt.
posted
I think your dialogue flows naturally. That's the part that interests me most of what you've written. I think the non-dialogue is trying to be too "writerly" for my personal taste. A little simpler and I think I might keep reading.
Posts: 132 | Registered: Feb 2006
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posted
I think it is pretty clear, and the dialogue is pretty good. Although it is adjective and adverb heavy. You've also got some absent or misplaced punctuation.
quote:“You want to hit me don’t you?”, Larry said with a malicious grin that almost made Bryce wince. “You won’t though, will you? You’re too afraid. Even now you’re shaking.”
Becomes.
"You want to hit me don't you?" Larry said with a grin. Bryce almost winced. "You won't though, you're too afraid. You're shaking."
quote:With each step that Larry inched forward Bryce could smell the alcohol seeping through his pores. And Bryce was shaking, but not entirely out of fear. Mostly, it was rage.
Each step Larry inched forward, Bryce smelled the alcohol seeping through his pores. Bryce was shaking, partly out of fear, but mostly out of rage.
quote:"If you ever raise a had to her again I swear you’ll regret it.” said Bryce, his voice quivering as he as he looked upon his mother. With an empty, accusing stare in her tear filled eyes she looked as if she suffered from an agony beyond anything physical, and that pain had eclipsed all joy she had ever felt.
"If you ever raise a hand to her again, you'll regret it," Bryce's voice quivered. He looked at his mother. She gave him an empty and accusing stare. Her tear filled eyes were full of an agony beyond the physical, the pain eclipsing any joy she had ever felt.
It sounds like Bryce is trying intervene in a domestic situation. I'd like to know Bryce's age, is he a boy, or a grown man? Is Larry just a boyfriend, father, stepfather, or brother even? Has this been going on for some time, and whether or not his mother tend to choose abusive men for relationships?
A good start though. Edited because I can't leave well enough alone. [This message has been edited by mommiller (edited August 06, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by mommiller (edited August 06, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by mommiller (edited August 06, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by mommiller (edited August 06, 2006).]
posted
This doesn't grab me. I can't connect with Bryce because I don't know his relationship with Larry. Is he a step-dad, actual dad, jackass boyfriend, what? The other problem is that I don't know Bryce's age. I'm guessing mid- to late teens, but he could be younger or even older, from what you've told me.
Posts: 329 | Registered: Mar 2005
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posted
I was just about to do a line-by-line but saw somebody beat me to it.
I had to backtrack on the mother line. I thought, huh? Where did Mom come in. I think you want to surprise people with that revelation, but it was just confusing (to me).
The language is a bit stiff. Adverbs/adjective heavy as pointed out. And, before posting, at least check for minor typos. I get all hung up when I see 'had' instead of 'hand'.
By the way, that piece of dialog is too melodramatic. Show some trembling and anger in it.
posted
I'm not sure you need "...will you?" in that first line of dialogue. Larry sounds confident and certain of his victory over Bryce, but the second question mark inserts an edge of uncertainty. (This may be your intent, in which case ignore me.) I believe that the first two paragraphs effectively establish Bryce as your MC.
"With each step that Larry inched forward..." This phrase is a bit awkward, because the rest of that sentence is oriented on Bryce. So you have two people involved in two very different types of action. It starts with Larry's step, then veers back to Bryce's sense of smell, which made the scene awkward for me to navigate. I guess my reaction was, "Why does more alcohol seep through his pores just because he took a step?" That's just me, though, other readers might not have a problem there.
You have more uncertain words in the second paragraph, with "entirely" and "mostly". I think you definitely should cut one of these, because their effect is redundant, but I'd consider cutting both. Let the character have a definite, single response to his situation.
The last paragraph reads as if Bryce is speaking to his mother. So I got confused, and wondered if the person who had been attacked was a sister, or some other female character.
The last sentence seems to have competing ideas. His mother is staring, with an "empty, accusing" look. The word "accusing" made me think she was mad at Bryce, for reasons yet to be specified, and yet the word "empty" made me feel she was neither angry nor sad. "Empty" conjures "emotionless" for me. Then you say she "suffered agony beyond anything physical", which seems to work against the earlier characterization of "empty." Personally, I think the most effective, most original wording is your last phrase "pain had eclipsed all joy she had ever felt." Given that powerful statement, you probably don't need any of the earlier stuff at all.
I'd like a better idea of Bryce's age, and his relationship to Larry. I don't think you need any in-depth explanation, just a simple statement in there somewhere.
It's clear what is happening, even if the characters aren't very well established. I can't say this scene would be a very effective hook, because it's such a common theme. I don't think you introduced too many characters, because we need all three of these characters to make this scene work. There may, however, be an earlier scene that would be a better hook, something that describes why these three characters should be important to me.
posted
This is the revised 13 lines. Does this answer some of the missing pieces that you all talked about? Does this opening get your attention better to keep you wanting to read? Do things seem to flow naturally throughout this opening?
....
“If you ever raise a hand to her again I swear you’ll regret it.” said Bryce. His stepfather inched towards him with the scent of vodka on his breath and a look of hatred overflowing from his eyes. Larry had hated Bryce since the moment he had met Bryce’s mother. He knew all too well that she loved Bryce more than him, and he made her pay for it many times over. The tell-tale bruise that began forming on her cheek was enough to prove that. Why she had married him after his father died was lost on Bryce. He guessed that she was so starved for affection that she was willing to put up with anything to get it. But Bryce wasn’t a child anymore. He knew this had to end.
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