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I know, I know--I've posted this one about three times now, and this is the last time. I just want a crit on these 13--would you read more and what do you think about the main character? This is a YA contemporary/ fantasy novel--about 52,000 words. Thank you.
Clare knew she was dreaming. Standing there with the images of possible dreams flashing in front of her was her punishment for going to bed with an agitated mind. Patiently, she waited for her subconscious to pick one of them to jump into. That night the dreams were flipping from scene to scene, like she was channel surfing on the TV. She was in a cemetery, and then on a train, and then in a castle, and then in a maze being chased by a fire-breathing dragon, and then she was standing in front of a bungalow nearly exploding at the seams with high school kids. Each image flickered and left, until she reached the party. The lights flashed and pulsed, accentuating the
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The first sentences establishes that she was dreaming and then jumps to "Standing". I think you could combine the two sentences into one. Or maybe start off with the second sentence and include her name.."Clare was standing and it was then she knew she was dreaming. Images flashed in her mind reminding..sorry for the re-write..just an idea.
Patiently changed to Calmly, because in one of the sentences you indicate she was agitated and that the kalediscope of images was her punishment.
Second para - change the first sentence, as a reader I know that she sees different images and is waiting to "jump" in one.
I take it Clare is kind of like a dream warrior or something? It sounds like an interesting story.
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I got lost in the second sentence. More my fault than yours, but I'll share my confusion, in case others see the same thing. When I saw "Standing there", I thought someone or something was standing in her dream. Then "with the images of possible dreams flashing in front of her", and I decided Clare was standing, but is she dreaming or not? Then "was her punishment for going to be with an agitated mind." Now I'm thinking something is standing at the foot of her bed, watching her dream, and that whatever is standing there is some kind of entity sent to punish her. Basically, the parts of the sentence that I took in were "Standing there...in front of her was her punishment..." So the next sentence made very little sense.
When I went back and re-read this, I realized that the important parts of the second sentence were "Standing there with...images...flashing in front of her was her punishement..." Then the next part started to make sense. I think I'm with you, but it took a while. I had to make my own decisions about which of the phrases in the second sentence were primary action, and which were secondary imagery. Maybe some commas would help, but the sentence might just need to be reworked. (Well, only if other readers have the same kind of confusion.)
I like the second paragraph much better for a starting place. The information in the first paragraph doesn't seem to be necessary. (I may be missing the point, though. If the first paragraph is meant to describe someone who can actively manipulate their dreams, it falls a bit short for me.) Plus, the second paragraph nicely captures the way dreams swerve around. I suppose I'm saying the first paragraph nearly lost me as a reader, but the second paragraph saved my interest. I'd prefer to jump right to the interesting part.
I can't say much about the MC at all. A female name Clare, either younger or older than high school (otherwise she wouldn't point out "high school kids"), who has rather vivid dreams when she goes to bed with an agitated mind. As I don't know much about her, I can't care much about her, yet. That's fine, given the length of the novel, you've got some time to ease into the introductions. I'd read a little more, looking for the hook.
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I get the distinct sense that she's SEARCHING for something in particular, though she doesn't consciously know what it is, and that her agitated mind is what's causing her to have trouble finding it. It's not the party she's looking for, but something AT the party.
[This message has been edited by Hylas (edited August 09, 2006).]
I'd skip sentence #3. I don't believe the wait adds anything.
What you're giving us so far is summary. I would prefer a shift into in the moment action in paragraph #2. Either that, or skip straight to the party. I could like the summary if I got a sense that it's almost like slides in a slide show: you're in the cemetery for a second, just having time to realize it's a cemetery, and then, flick! you're on a train, an old-fashioned stagecoach (with the floorboards rattling your feet), and then . . . oops, it looks like I wanted more in-the-moment feel anyway.
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Does this clear up some of the issues? Especially the mammoth second sentence.
Clare knew she was dreaming. Standing on a gray billowing cloud with the images of possible dreams flashing in front of her was her punishment for going to bed with an agitated mind. That night the dreams were floating in front of her, like helium balloons drifting below the clouds. Calmly, she waited for her subconscious to pick one of them to jump in to. One of the dreams started to pull her in, dragging her through the scenes of several other dreams. She was in a cemetery, and then on a train, and then in a castle, and then in a maze being chased by a fire-breathing dragon, and then she stopped, standing in front of a bungalow nearly exploding at the seams with high school kids.
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That second sentence still reads awkwardly, for me. It's almost like it is backwards, in that the first part describes where she is, then the second part backs up to say how she got there. But, if you don't know the second part is coming, the first part just confuses. Rats. What I just said doesn't make sense, but I don't know how else to say it.
I think I'd have fewer problems with the second sentence if you started with, "She had gone to bed in an agitated state of mind, which..." and explain exactly how the agitation cause her dreams to misbehave. Maybe the real issue is that I don't know how her dreams normally look, or start. All I know is that she was agitated, and that something is wrong with the dreams you are describing. But they sound like perfectly reasonable dreams, so I never quite learn why it matters that she was agitated. (Maybe this comes later. I might be asking too much of 13 lines, when I want to understand more than is here.)
Wow. I'll be surprised if you can get anything useful out of all that, but I really can't think of how to make it any clearer. I still love the way you describe the dreams, and I'd like to see the first paragraph read as easily as the second.
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