posted
I'm just looking for insight into how this reads as an opening. It's a short story.
The Alchemy labs at the University of White Water Strand had everything from frogs’ warts to strontium-90 in drawers and little unlocked chests. During school there was a guard at the door with a griffon who sniffed students' bookbags and drawstring purses, but at night only magic guarded the labs.
“Just don’t be caught snitching anything,” advised one sophomore. “Alfred did, and look where he is now.” Fred turned to look once more at the half-starved wretch imprisoned in the hanging cage outside the cafeteria. “Yeah, him,” said the sophomore.
Fred could not keep the hapless junior in the punishment cage out of his mind as he held a light in the Building C corridor while Peter twiddled with a black box trying to coerce open the door to Alchemy Lab Five.
[This message has been edited by arriki (edited August 16, 2006).]
posted
I love the idea behind this. I pictured a contemporary college setting, with an interesting magical twist.
I got a little confused in the last paragraph, because I wanted to read "the hapless junior in the punishment cage out of his mind" as all one phrase. I pictured a thin young man locked in a large cage, driven "out of his mind" because he was locked up. After re-reading a few times, I realized you meant me to read: "Fred could not keep the hapless junior ... out of his mind...", meaning Fred couldn't quit thinking about the boy who was being punished. A few commas in this paragraph might help keep the flow of images better organized.
I'd definitely keep reading this story.
(Edited because one of my questions was answered while I was writing my post. Sorry.)
[This message has been edited by Novice (edited August 16, 2006).]
posted
It's a little too gruesome for me to laugh, but only a little. Maybe if the hapless junior was only rumored to have faced this fate . . . of course, this is such a minor quibble I'm not sure. I wish I could suggest ways to make this even better, but as it is, it's not bad!
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posted
Nothing shrieked "Wrong!" at me. The only thing I would say is that there is always going to be a hint of Harry Potter attached to any 'school of wizardry' idea, and, with that in mind, I'd avoid calling your MC Fred (the name of a significant secondary character is Ms Rowling's series).
Aside from that, this is pretty good. Personally, I might rework it so that the third paragraph comes first for a little extra tension, but that's about it.
posted
The structure isn't so good. You've got a paragraph of info-dump, a flashback (though we don't realize yet it's a flashback), and then we jump into what might be the "present" of your narrative. Most of the writing isn't bad, but the organization needs a lot of work.
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