posted
I hope it is ok to post this here. If not, please let me know.
It is the first part of my query letter to a magazine. I appreciate any and all comments.
The fear of breast cancer has haunted me since I first heard my mother crying when she found out two of her four sisters were having to undergo mastectomy surgery. This was the beginning of my family’s personal nightmare.
Since that night, another two sisters, one being my mother, and three maternal cousins have all had to face the surgical knife due to this terrible disease. Who will be next?
Hopefully, Louisville Oncology will be able to help us answer this question. My family is in the process of genetic testing to help us understand why we have had so many occurrences with this disease. Dr. Goldberg, the doctor overseeing this process, and Andrea Lewis the genetics counselor with whom we are working has agreed to help me write a series of articles relating to this experience for my family. I would like to offer this series to your magazine for publication.
posted
Seems pretty reasonable. I would consider removing "This was the beginning of my family’s personal nightmare." and "Who will be next?", as well as consolidating the first and second paragraphs.
That necessitates some cleaning up in the last paragraph.
quote:Hopefully, Louisville Oncology will be able to help us ["answer this question" needs to be reworded or cut]. My family is in the process of genetic testing to help us understand why we have had so many occurrences with this disease. Dr. Goldberg, the doctor overseeing this process, and Andrea Lewis[,] the genetics counselor with whom we are working[,] ["has" needs to be changed to "have", or "both have/have both" for clarity, or you could recast the sentance by placing some of the information in another line] agreed to help me write a series of articles relating to this experience for my family.
posted
It distances me from your story. Same with "Who will be next?" Neither conveys any necessary information. In fact, because they distract me from the actual information, they create a sort of void. The interesting points of what you're offering are in danger of getting lost among emotional phrases that seem melodramatic.
This inquiry is a strictly professional one. The editorial staff members reading this will assume that your tone in this letter will be more neutral and businesslike than the tone of the articles you intend to submit. Looking at this letter, and assuming it represents you "professional" style, they will believe that your public style is likely to be even more emotional. They certainly would be justified in assuming that the style of your actual articles would be no less florid.
You must beware of using phrases that have been rendered all but meaningless through too oft repetition. They weaken the impression that you're writing about something unique and interesting. Readers are likely to start skimming over your text once they get hit with a "cliche combo", multiple phrases that they have seen verbatim in literally hundreds of other stories about cancer. Editors know this, besides which they are readers themselves. Yes, you've now found out what those phrases really mean, but you aren't writing this to yourself. You're writing it to the staff of this magazine, and hoping to write to their subscribers.
posted
I agree with Survivor. A query letter is a business communication, and the florid prose doesn't fit in that context. His point about cliche' is valid, as well. I like it better when a story SHOWS me the emotional toll instead of telling me what I'm going to think of it. Your comment about the other relatives who have gotten cancer is powerful all by itself. Don't weaken the statement with a cliche at the end. Trust me, you won't HAVE to ask "who's next?" Your readers are already asking that question.
[This message has been edited by Elan (edited August 31, 2006).]
posted
the phrase, "...another two sisters, one being my mother..." is confusing to me....You might want to rethink that part of the sentence....I realize it now....your mother and her sister, but at least I thought it read to be your two sisters, and one of them was your mother...maybe it is just me and everyone got it...
[This message has been edited by Skarecrow (edited September 03, 2006).]
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