Hatrack River Writers Workshop   
my profile login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » sci fi

   
Author Topic: sci fi
Charleen Ise
New Member
Member # 3865

 - posted      Profile for Charleen Ise   Email Charleen Ise         Edit/Delete Post 
The world knew Tyler Patrick O’Shea as an eccentric, self centered, psycho daredevil who made Evil Knieval look like Pee-Wee Herman. O’Shea was on intimate terms with lethal danger. He danced with death, he tap danced up to death’s door on many occasion, he twirled the tango with the Grim Reaper, he waltzed with the ****er too just to catch that moby dick sized buzz of adrenaline that pulsed through his body in the comforting , peaceful afterglow that resulted from a close encounter with the big D. While most normal yokels viewed death as a bottomless black void, O’Shea peered over the edge of that mother with the enthusiasm of a kid peering down through a sidewak grate at the faded color images of the very first playboy centerfold to ever cross his bulging eyes.
Posts: 1 | Registered: Sep 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
wbriggs
Member
Member # 2267

 - posted      Profile for wbriggs   Email wbriggs         Edit/Delete Post 
I had a little trouble with the first line, because it's so thick with references and comparisons. Beyond that, well, I'd keep reading. I'll want something to happen PDQ.
Posts: 2830 | Registered: Dec 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Zoot
Member
Member # 3176

 - posted      Profile for Zoot   Email Zoot         Edit/Delete Post 

I would break up the first sentence into two seperate ones so it reads easier.

The second sentence would benefit from better punctuation and a little streamlining, too. It's a bit wordy for my liking.

These are all rudimentary things however, and easily fixed.

Overall I liked the voice, makes the MC sound like an interesting guy. I would read on, hoping for some action soon!


Posts: 86 | Registered: Jan 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Nicole
Member
Member # 3549

 - posted      Profile for Nicole   Email Nicole         Edit/Delete Post 
I'd keep reading, I like quirky characters.

Everything that Zoot and wbriggs said, I agree with.

One thing though, the Pee-Wee Herman comparison is, to me, quite overused. It works, but I thought 'yes, it's always Pee-Wee'.

Great work though!

Nicole


Posts: 89 | Registered: Jul 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Hatrack River Home Page

Copyright © 2008 Hatrack River Enterprises Inc. All rights reserved.
Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is prohibited.


Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classic™ 6.7.2