posted
“To select euthanasia options check the driver control screen and enter your choice of: Lethal Injection; Lethal Gas.” The dashboard touch screen glowed a menacing electric green in contrast to the lilting upbeat feminine voice. “If you are a passenger, or otherwise unable to reach the driver control screen, clearly state your preference, or the factory default setting will apply. If you desire to disable the euthanasia function please enter personal key code now.” I am going to have to get that damned thing fixed one of these days, thought David Singleton as he steps from his car and closes the door on the gentle hiss of lethal gases siphoned off from his vehicle exhaust and stored against just such an ‘emergency’.
Would you keep reading? Does this set up certain exectations of the world in which he lives? How might you expect this story to end?
edited for clarity based on suggestions. [This message has been edited by hw_paterson (edited September 24, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by hw_paterson (edited September 24, 2006).]
posted
We generally like some information up front: genre, word count, and exactly what sort of feedback you are looking for. Is this a request for a critique of your first 13? Are you seeking a specific request? Are you soliciting readers for additional pages?
It makes it a little difficult to give you an appropriate critique without that knowledge. The opener of a short story has to be much more concise than a novel, and whether the story is a murder-mystery, versus a sci-fi novel or fantasy impacts how I view what I read.
Welcome to Hatrack, by the way.
My feedback is that I'm confused. I don't know what is going on. A dashboard is something you find in a car, yet this seems to have some futuristic overtones to it. Why would a car need to dispense lethal gas? I need clarity around the milieu to comprehend the importance of the action, and the MC's choices here. I suspect you've started in the wrong place, but I'm at a bit of a loss to know whether the tale has begun a wee bit too early or too late.
I suggest starting at the point where the MC makes his decision, rather than the actual use of the device. If you let us in on his thoughts and emotional state, we will be more involved with his choice. As it is, I've not had time to build up a feel for the character, or empathize with his situation.
[This message has been edited by Elan (edited September 24, 2006).]
posted
Suicide aids in a vehicle? You're going to have to work VERY hard to make this something I'd buy, simply because commiting suicide in a vehicle is potentially lethal to more than just the driver and his occupants. I envision this guy doing 140 on the Autobahn just as he releases the lethal gases. That's not something that I see EVER becoming a social norm or an add-on to any vehicle's options package--no matter what strange future world you're looking at.
With that in mind, I'll have to ditto Elan when she says this may not be the right place to start.
posted
This is a semi satirical near future sci fi short story that is currently unfinished so word count is yet to be determined. This is the opening paragraph. It is my first post, and I am a new writer (published one article in a free horse enthusiast magazine) so I thought to leave it open to any input you might like to give. Mainly I guess, would you keep reading?
As for euthinasia in the car, yes it is a car and I think it says so, there are two issues I was addressing: The ever growing environmental concern about exhaust pollution and fossil fuel dependency killing us and the planet, and the popularity of services like On-Star that make us more and more dependant upon them for the least needs, and less dependant on ourselves to do so little as read a map.
I agree, there must be alot packed into a little space in a short story, but there is only so much you can include in 13 lines
And the main character does not make a decision, he is mildly annoyed that the service has been malfunctioning and like so many of us puts off getting it fixed until some later date. In the next lines he is walking across the parking lot.
[This message has been edited by hw_paterson (edited September 24, 2006).]
posted
Some problems. If I had an automated-suicide machine built into my car and it kept threatening to kill me, I'd have it disabled before driving!
Also, it doens't make sense to build this into a car. Why not have a standalone unit?
These things woudl be a stretch even if the story is comedy. (If it is comedy, make us laugh in the first paragraph or so, so we'll know what to expect, I think.)
posted
Satire and comedy are not the same thing. One is simply to make you laugh, the other to point out the absurdity of a situation. Don't we all leave things go unfixed when it might be a simple matter to have them repaired.
This is not a story about suicide. It is in the first paragraph to establish something about the MC's personality, and all of our personality's, and the world he lives in. The fact that it is absurd is the point and establishes the satire of the direction society can go when extremists are in charge. Do we all brush after every meal? Never eat junk food (seen "Supersize Me"??)? Change our oil every three months or three thousand miles, whichever comes first? There are myriad things we procrastinate, and this is so commonplace in his world, and to him that he simply puts it off.
[This message has been edited by hw_paterson (edited September 24, 2006).]
posted
No, it is not my intent to say "I did it that way on purpose." My mistake here is I allowed myself to get caught up in debate about the content of 13 lines of a story. And no story can be revealed in that little space. Nor should it or we would all be writing Haikus. The point of these 13 lines is not to debate what is in them, but to ask if they make you want to read the next 13? Certainly content is a consideration, as is style. But this small a portion of writing is what in the movie industry is called an "establishing shot." That is a long shot of a famous building or piece of scenery that is in the place your story happens, so when you cut to building interiors that are sets on a soundstage, or anonymous street scenes you still have that establishing shot in mind and so remember where you are supposed to be.
Do those 13 lines make you question, and want to look for answers about the man in them, or the world they happen in, or what will happen next with his car? Are you intrigued at all?
hw_paterson, welcome. It's always nice to see a new face. Since you're new, you probably aren't familiar with how we offer feedback, and the kinds of things we have discussed around here. Searching past threads and participating in current ones will serve you very well. Let me assure you that no one is judging you, and every single person here is interested in helping you improve your writing as well as their own.
That said, usually wbriggs is the one to do this, but...
posted
hw_paterson, you are new and your confusion about the process of using the Fragments and Feedback forum is understandable, and common among new members. While I believe it’s not your intention to argue, unfortunately, that’s how you are coming across.
The only proper responses to a critique are: "Thank you," or "Could you clarify for me what you mean?"
It is counter-productive to get defensive, or explain your point of view, and the posts I’ve noted go into more detail about why.
The bare essence of the F&F is to tell you if your first 13 is being effective at hooking us in and making us want to read more. You’ve asked if your readers are intrigued at all, based on the first 13 you’ve given us. When you read between the lines of what’s being posted, the answers you seem to be getting back are telling you "No, not really." The reasons given are: "This is too confusing" and "the setting doesn't seem plausible or logical."
These are issues you need to address if you are going to hook the reader in to your story. It’s a big jump between the story you have in your brain, and the story your readers are gathering from your written words. It’s the job of the writer to cross that chasm and answer the reader’s questions swiftly enough to keep their interest engaged. We’re just telling you where the gaps in communication are.
posted
Okay, thank you for the links. But I believed that wbriggs asked a question and I tried to answer it. And followed with confusing comedy with satire. That is a huge mistake right there for people offering a critique. Corky's response was simply provocation. Sorry to have bothered you but this is not the place for me. If in a paragraph I can make the statement that a man closes his car door, and be asked later if he is sitting in a car, then I have to question the reading comprehension of my critiquers and so find I am unable to take them seriously. I wish you all luck, but I will go back to working on my own.
Posts: 5 | Registered: Sep 2006
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posted
Questions in a critique are not supposed to be answered in the author's response. Questions are put into a critique to let the author know where the reader has a question while reading the work.
The answers to questions in a critique should be provided in the rewrite of the work, not in a discussion of the feedback.
Edited to add that I discuss this in "Responding to Feedback"
quote:Fortunately, you added some links I didn't think of, so I forgive you...this time, muwahaha!
Yeah, the reason it took me so long to post was because I was scratching my head trying to remember what the NAME was of those dratted posts Will always cites so I could find the links in a SEARCH. I decided to copy the links into a WORD document so I can find them next time we go through this again with another new member... which, according to the average, should be in about another five minutes or so...
quote:Yeah, the reason it took me so long to post was because I was scratching my head trying to remember what the NAME was of those dratted posts Will always cites so I could find the links in a SEARCH.
I cheated. I just searched for any posts by Will in F&F, went to the most recent ones, and copied his own text by "editing" his posts. Plagarism is the highest form of flattery, right? Oh wait, that was imitation...
quote:I decided to copy the links into a WORD document so I can find them next time we go through this again with another new member... which, according to the average, should be in about another five minutes or so...
Tell me about it. Wouldn't it be nice if the forum prevented new members from posting their own fragment right away? Not because it's annoying (because it's not, at least not to me), but because they always feel hurt or insulted or confused by feedback because they haven't learned how things work around here. I don't like to see people feel bad. Oh well.
Didn't mean to highjack the thread.
[This message has been edited by sojoyful (edited September 25, 2006).]
posted
Perhaps if we send out a troop of evil robot monkeys to bop anyone over the head who has bypassed the friendly introductory forum? Or add the words "Yes, you HAVE to" to the invitation to read? Or, wouldn't it be lovely if they can't post until they've passed a short test that quizzes them on "What's up with only 13 lines" and "How to respond to feedback"?
Posts: 2026 | Registered: Mar 2005
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posted
Or maybe just withhold their ability to start any new threads until they have posted a certain number of times, and indicate at the time of registration that this is in place to give them time to familiarize themselves with the ways of "our village"?
Posts: 470 | Registered: Nov 2005
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posted
The exception is always the lurker who has been reading the posts for some time, and finally feels brave enough to join in. We do get those folk from time to time, and it's always a delight.
Posts: 2026 | Registered: Mar 2005
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posted
Just to clarify, in case Paterson is still here: I wasn't asking a question, just giving feedback.
There's a quote I can't place, even with a search engine's help. It's an editor hearing a writer explain what he meant, and the editor points to his ear and says, "Don't tell me here"; then he points to the MS and says, "Tell me here!"
posted
perhaps there's a way to prohibit "new members" from starting frag threads? i didn't until i became a "member".
Posts: 47 | Registered: Sep 2006
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