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Nick flipped open his briefcase, and poured $1,000,000 in cash onto the roulette table. “Black,” he said softly.
The dealer nodded. "You're covered, sir," he replied.
Custom-tailored three piece suit, trim athletic build, Nick positioned himself calmly, like a man who regularly placed million dollar bets in his personal and professional life. But on the inside…
“Oh, dear God,” Nick whispered. “Please let me win this one last bet. Please let it be black.”
The auditors were due at Nick’s office the next day. A huge sum of money was missing from Nick’s account at work. This bet was his last desperate chance to make up the funds, avoid being caught.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited September 27, 2006).]
Nit: pouring the cash on the table. How does the dealer know how much was poured?
Custom-tailored three piece suit, trim athletic build, Nick positioned himself calmly... Not grammatical, or at least confusing to me.
Main suggestion I have: you're starting cinematically. We see the actions, then get the emotional significance. I think it will work better if we get the emotional significance and then see the actions.
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I actually have a different concern: what casino wants you dumping that kind of cash on a table? This level of high roller generally will establish some line of credit, or at the very least will have the cash changed somewhere else. Because $1,000,000 in cash is a small mountain of money (and would be a heavy suitcase).
I have no problem with the cinematic opener. It's a first paragraph and I'll give you the wiggle room. I'm still not hooked. This is probably less your fault and more mine, though. It's just not my kind of story.
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well, this is about to be a whole lot of personal preference, but i find it problematically cinematic not in the scenario, but in the action and description: if one literally, actually, dumps a million dollars on a table, one is not the kind of person to show up in a three-piece suit and stand there calmly.
the calm people are those with long credit lines.
one is more likely, if dumping a million dollars of cash on a table, to be distraught and very unaccustomed to such sums, eager to display recent wealth in a flurry of extravagance, largesse.
i think your mc doth betray himself, which is fine, but it's distracting so soon for such contradictions. i think, in the beginning, either he has it together, or he doesn't.
beyond that, unless we're in some form of the military, or playing a sport, characters with superfluously trim, athletic builds annoy me. it suggests a vanity on the character's part or a writer's attempt to use a the cache of a trim, athletic build to build a likeable character without fully developing him. most people, simply, are neither trim, nor athletic. THAT'S where this is most like the movies.
anyway. i'd love this scene if he were all fat and sweaty, or at least normal
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