posted
This is a different approach to another story I'm writing. It's about how a man comes back for a short period of time to the town he grew up in. In about a week, he gets to visit his family, see the town, and hear news of small things on Earth. He's commander of a warship, and an indespensible part of the EDF (Earth defense forces). A critque would help, anything is appreciated. If possible at all, try to name a few good things along with the bad, or at least say something like: "Not meant to be mean," or "Jusy my two cents, I could be wrong." You get the jist, thanks for helping!
A baby blue sky lay behind the shining sun. Anstor had longed to feel its warming rays for several years. After he stepped off the platform leading from one of the international warships, he fell whole heartedly onto the cool grass beside it. He closed his eyes in hope that he would never have to open them to darkness again. He knew this dream to be false, and so did the others, but dreaming never killed anyone, he thought.
Another ship came down from above, as men from his own ship still poured off. The crew near the coming ship jumped to attention; they were young, naïve; they had never fought anything but a simulated Garkan. He began to stretch his arms, and extend his legs, only to strike another...
All in all, I appreciate the idea. I would assume, reading your introduction, that this story is to be more about "a man confronting the past he longs for but never again can be a part of", more than, say, "intergalatic commander blasting Gorkons to pieces with his might Ion Cannon". So that's how I read it and base my comments on.
I'm having some troubles imagining a warship commander throwing himself on the grass just beside a warship, where presumably hundreds of underlings are about to walk by. I would instead imagine that he'd do this somewhere more private - "A baby blue sky laid as a foundation behind the shining sun. Anstor had longed to feel its warming rays for several years. After he stepped off the platform leading from one of the international warships, he barely suppressed the urge to fall wholeheartedly onto the cool grass beside it, embracing the feel of earth beneath him again. This would have to wait until later. "
"He knew this dream to be false, and so did the others, ". This begs the question - who are the others? Other commanders? His shipmates? "He knew this dream to be false. So did all the others who shared his dream, the dream of the war finally ending..."
"The crew near the coming ship jumped to attention; they were young...". Which crew is this? If they have been on the ship with him for several years they probably are not rookies, right? And why did they jump to attention? I believe that happens only when a senior officer confronts them? Another way might be "The releif crew fidgeted while waiting for the second ship to land, visibly nervous. Young, inexperienced and naive, they had never fought ...."
All in all, I'd read on. Especially if it's the confront-your-background-story I'm expecting
posted
I would keep reading, but it's close because of the first line, and one later confusion. But I'm prepared to like Anstor.
I very much don't like the first line, because I don't care about the color of the sky until I know why Anstor cares. Easily enough fixed:
Anstor had longed to see the baby-blue skies of Earth, feel the warming rays of his home planet's sun, for several years.
This is grounding (no pun intended) and gives us the feeling I think you wanted us to have.
whole-heartedly
falling on the grass: I'd think landing warships would wreak havoc on grass. Tarmac, asphalt, concrete -- seems more reasonable.
>He closed his eyes in hope that he would never have to open them to darkness again.
This has me very confused. Why doesn't he want to open his eyes to darkness? He was just enjoying being back on Earth, and one thing about Earth: it's dark half the time! I don't follow at all.
>and so did the others I would either strike this, or if it matters, write it as "and surely the others did too" -- to keep us firmly in his POV
>Another ship came down from above, as men from his own ship still poured off. Seems a little quick. How about: Another ship continued its descent...
I'll want info about these Garkans PDQ. If this is about You Can't Go Home Again, I still want to know, so I'll know if Earth is in imminent danger, and thus whether I should worry about that or just Anstor's feeling of disconnect.
quote:A baby blue sky lay behind the shining sun. Anstor had longed to feel its warming rays for several years. After he stepped off the platform leading from one of the international warships, he fell whole heartedly onto the cool grass beside it.
First off, I see three unnecessary adjectives in the first paragraph. Second, I see a "had" in the second sentence. Try to think of it this way: Don't tell me of the past until you've grounded me in the present.
The rest is just a lot of movement detail that I can't relate to because I don't feel a solid connection. So I would say, make sure you plant me in that POV before throwing me in.
Hope this helped...
[This message has been edited by pixydust (edited October 07, 2006).]
posted
I roughly agree with wbriggs on all counts, and with pixydust that you could cut some adjectives and deepen the POV.
I respectfully disagree with pixydust about "had". I agree with the principle, "don't tell me about the past until I'm grounded in the present", but "had" can be used to give me the awareness of current relief, longing, etc. I think you use it effectively that way here, and the line presented no problem for me.
posted
"Another ship came down from above, as men from his own ship still poured off. The crew near the coming ship jumped to attention; they were young, naïve; they had never fought anything but a simulated Garkan."
This paragraph gives me the idea that the other ship contains real Garkons that they are going to fight.
"He began to stretch his arms, and extend his legs, only to strike another..."
This make it seem that he's quite unconcerned about having to fight a shipload of Garkons, so mybe I have been misled.
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