When posting fragments we would like some information from you:
Genre
Wordcount (is this a short story or a novel? There are different treatments for each)
What you want from us--1) a critique on the first 13 lines 2) a read/critique on a chapter 3) to know something specific, like do we think there is a hook in these 13 lines?

You get extra points, however, for keeping your fragment down to the first 13.

Regarding the fragment, my first thought is the language is stilted and difficult to wade through. I love fantasy, and yes, it makes me want to write flowing prose. But fancy prose has to be dished out cleverly, and lightly seasoned in. You use a lot of words uncommon in normal dialog--croft, sloth, gowk, haggis, fop, laird--the dialog is coming across as stilted and unnatural. You want to engage the reader, not create a barrier for them to have to wade through.

The key is to realize you are writing for a modern reader, and it's not the heavy-handed use of old-style language that will convey a fantasy/medieval feel to us, it's the situations the characters are in. Again, use a light hand to this sort of dialog. A little goes a long way. Don't hammer us over the head with it; sprinkle it lightly instead. Like cinnamon, a little adds a wonderful spice, but too much becomes cloying.

Kathleen doesn't count spaces between paragraphs toward your 13 lines. It seems to me this one paragraph is a dialog back and forth between characters, but because you aren't using dialog tags I quickly lose track of who is saying what. You might go back in and edit it (click on the little pencil icon above your post) to insert paragraph breaks between characters as they speak.

From a plot standpoint, it doesn't hook me. There doesn't seem to be anything (yet) that makes this stand out from the tired cliche opening of a girl agonizing over being forced to marry someone she doesn't want. If you want to hook the reader, toss us some unique twist on a tired old plot-standard, something that will make us curious to know what is going to happen next.

One of my favorite series out right now is George R.R. Martin's "A Song of Ice and Fire." Occasionally, though, I have to pick up a dictionary because he'll use a word that I can't follow even in context. Granted, they're few and far between, but that takes away from the feel of the story. His last book was full of this, and also took me the longest to read and stay interested in. Now, this has lead to one of my new favorite words being discovered by me: Bellicose! Woot!

POV so far is cinematic. Not a sin, but I think your story will benefit if we get the info from inside MC's head, not her dialog. Let her think how frustrated she is with her father and how predictable it will be that Cionna defends him.

To illustrate w/o rewriting your story, imagine if MC were a teenager who doesn't want a summer job.

I could say

quote:

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Diane and I walked down the street to the bus stop. "I wish my father would stop making me get a summer job," I said. "It's boring."

"He's only trying to help," Diane said.

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or I could say

quote:

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Everybody I know in school wants to get a summer job. Not me. I have one more summer before going off to school, and I'm supposed to spend it ringing up dresses I can't afford or putting french fries into bags? Daddy says it will Build Character. And volunteering at the Humane Society doesn't? Why does it have to be about money? It's not like he isn't rolling in it.

I walked from my house to the bus stop with my sister Diane. She's in college so she already has her Character Built, and it was soooo predictable how she'd react. "He's just trying to help," she told me.

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[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited October 16, 2006).]

quote:

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I just wish he would consider a husband for me that age and sloth have not hideously tormented, nor a gowk that shows himself to be several oats shy of a haggis, and certainly not some preening vain fop that desires only to gaze at his reflection in the eyes around him.”

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Consider breaking this up, something like this: "Why does he think my future husband should look like age and sloth have tormented him? And I sure don't want a gowk several oats shy of a haggis." Crionna kicked a dirt clod in frustration. "Worst of all would be a preening fop who looks deep into my eyes only to admire his reflection."

BUT, all that said, are you sure you are starting at the right place? There needs to be something that really hooks the agent/editor/reader and compels them to move forward through your story. I'm not sure this is it. Your topic title - Of Isobel and the Elf Knight - indicates a fantasy story with characters other than those introduced here. Your title intrigues me more than this opening.

Since this is your first post, please don't let this feedback rattle you. Learn from it. I discarded a whole first chapter and rewrote it based on feedback from my first 13 lines -- and the result is a much better, more creative opening. That's what you must have to attract an agent/editor. Please know we're only here to help each other. Spend some time reading other F&F critiques, as well as the threads on how things work, and you'll become more comfortable.

Please tell us the information Elan asked for...

The genre of the story is dark fantasy. It is approximately 5100 words. For now, I'm actually delighted with the response I have been getting. I can send the full story to anyone that might have an interest once I make a few changes. Critiques would be most welcome.

I'm not happy with the beginning of the story. I feel that it moves too slowly. I have been wearily rewriting it, trying to change the tempo to get more of a hook in place. I don't believe I'll be able to do that with Isobel and Crìonna. Isobel's nature is much too “passive” for any sort of intensive emotional response or action at this point in the story. This is a necessary “evil” so that there will be a distinct contrast with what her character is like at the end (to wit: personal growth).

The Elf Knight is another matter. He is devastatingly handsome and dashing while being thoroughly rotten to the core. A minion of the Unseelie Court, he has his own evil plans aside from doing the bidding of Madoc Morfryn. I think a short (one or two paragraphs) introduction of him at the beginning of the story (in a foreshadowing way) might just be the hook that I need.

I'm not sure what to do about the words that have people puzzled. While I will be using some Gaelic terms (the story is taken straight out of Scottish folklore – numerous ballads about Lady Isabel and the Elf Knight), the usage will be quite minimal and the context should allow the reader to understand them. I'm hoping it will not be too much of a problem.

However, some the words mentioned really are not all that uncommon in the English language. I was surprised that folks have trouble with sloth (one of the seven deadly sins), haggis (the national culinary dish of Scotland – a sheep’s stomach loaded with offal, onions, and oats among other things – yum!), croft (tenant farm) and fop (perhaps currently out of style but it was a common term for a dandy not all that long ago). I think what may be part of the problem is that I am using regional dialect and vernacular that may be uncommon in the United States. I may have to tone that down but I would not want to be rid of this type of language entirely. For example: it would be completely out of place for Isobel to call someone a hotdog or showboat. Her character would use the word fop. I'll have to think about this point before deciding what to do.

I would like to thank everyone for the responses. It really does help to hear the perspective of another person when writing stories. Keep it up!