posted
[A short story about a man with a gift. A sorcerer threatens the lives of his family and friends after making a making a bold decision. Now his only mission is to hurry to those he loves and ensure their safety.]
I’m not too late, I’m not too late. I can’t be. Tark tried to convince himself as an attempt to calm himself down, running swiftly through murky blue aura, I’m going to make it. I’m going to make it. His left hand kept hold of his right shoulder, his sword loosely settled in the half-ripped sheath on his back. Heaving the dense, damp air into his lungs, he could taste the strong scent of woody detritus. His fast footing and breathing were the only things ringing in his ear. He could also taste the blood oozing down from the gash under his right eye. His large boots and his dark pants, now brown, were soaked and covered in mud. The leather tunic over his tatty gray shirt stained with spattered blood, a grim mark of his intense struggle and nearly impossible escape out of Gargeth’s...
[This message has been edited by Soulsmith (edited October 19, 2006).]
posted
I used to do the kind of thing you're doing here, so I sympathize with you, but now I see why people used to yell at me for it. You're withholding. The MC knows what he's racing for, and why it's so important. We don't, so it's really hard for us to care.
The repetitions might be more than is necessary, although that's a matter of taste.
I don't know what a "murky blue aura" is, or why he smells woody detritus. Is he running through an earthly forest, or a netherworld-ish aura sort of thing? These are all things that Tark probably knows, but I don't have enough context.
My 2 cents: It feels like you're trying to paint a picture, but I don't yet know what it's supposed to be a picture of. You don't need to tell us every detail -- you couldn't if you tried -- but you should tell us stuff that gives us that context. Sometimes that will mean telling, rather than showing. I know the old saw says "show, don't tell", but there are times when you should tell rather than show.
The first of those contains the memorable sentences,
quote:You said: "I made it a point throughout the novel to not tell motivations, but try to show them."
And you did this because ... of those morons who told you "show don't tell"? Because motivation is unshowable. It must be told. (In fact, most things must be told.) The advice "show don't tell" is applicable in only a few situations -- most times, most things, you tell-don't-show. I get so impatient with this idiotic advice that has been plaguing writers for generations.
I hope this helps! It's worth at least as much as you paid for it...
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