posted
Here's the second revision. Compare to the link if you like. For newcomers, this is the prologue to a novel-length fiction still in the works. Cheers.
----- Griffith and Graham - The Dragon Doctors -----
Ehrich tumbled from between Sessurat's wings and into the air, the steep horizon of the igneous hillside spinning violently around him. Free from the wounded dragon's plummeting descent, his body sailed as an arrow shot over the untamed vista, the serenity of this unnamed isle painstakingly lost for its adopted nature as a battleground. And it was no trivial skirmish: this would be the final clash of the forces of Soil and Fire against those of Air and Sea. The Dragon Wars would end here.
Ehrich crashed through the lowest foliage of great palms, the air roaring and shrieking through the slits of his helm. His lower body caught a frond at its base against the husky trunk of a tree, and he spun at neck-break pace, the full force of the strike sending a great and numbing quake through the whole of his bones.
posted
Reading this required effort. I'm not sure why yet, but I did have to keep going back and re-reading sentences.
I'm going to risk tweaking it and seeing if it looks easier.
quote:Ehrich tumbled from between the wings of Suesserat, his dragon. The steep horizon of the hillside spun violently around him. The wounded dragon plummeted; Ehrich's body sailed like an arrow shot over the landscape.
OK, now I think I can say what makes it tough for me to read:
* Complex sentences.
* Complex sentences that change the subject. Ehrich's body sailed over the vista, and then we go into what's going to happen on that vista and what it means geopolitically. I thought we were talking about Ehrich falling, and then we go into this war thing. Not what Ehrich would be thinking about anyway, I think, assuming he's our POV.
* Bigger words and more words than ease of reading would allow. "his body sailed as an arrow shot over the untamed vista" jerks my attention between body and vista. I'd find it easier if his body sailed, and then later we get that the landscape is untamed.
* Nit: "his body sailed as an arrow shot" sounds like that his body sails *at the same time* as an arrow is shot; I think "like" will work for this
* Nit: when he tumbles from Sessurat, I know Sessurat has wings, but not what it is. Then we get that there's a wounded dragon. It's obviously possible to piece togeterh, but it's easier if you identify Sessurat as a dragon when you name it.
It would be helpful to have a POV here. I assumed it was Ehrich, but I think it would work better if we got Ehrich's reaction to falling. Partly because it's more interesting to think "Aiee! I'm going to die!" than to watch it happen cinematically; and also becuase then maybe you can clarify why we're reading about someone who'll be dead in two sentences anyway. (As in, "he knew the magic would reconstitute him in the Nine Lives (TM) somatogeneratotron, but it was still going to really hurt.")
posted
I, too, found this very difficult to read through. There is no flow to the sentences and the imagery, as written, is very distracting.
Some of the biggest problems: 1. He falls from the dragon's back -- tumbled is the word you've used. Then in the next sentence you compare him to an arrow. Is he tumbling or moving in the trajectory of an arrow? (also agree with wbriggs it sounds like an arrow is shot at the same time) 2. The entire section is needs review for word choices. For instance - use plummeting or descent, but not both, they are repetitive. Neck-break pace -- I think you mean break-neck, but even so it doesn't fit well with the spinning description. Great and numbing quake -- again quake doesn't work here - shock or something similar would be better. 3. He crashes through the lowest foliage? Where did he fall from? If the air is roaring because he's falling so fast, he'd most likely be killed... maybe this is explained more later.
Overall I cannot visualize this scene as written. Ditto on the POV problem, there needs to be one.
[This message has been edited by Omakase (edited October 30, 2006).]
posted
Honestly David, I think that you had the right thing going with your first draft, you just needed to make a few minor corrections to it. The first half of your first sentence was good - with Ehric tumbling from his (I assume his...) Dragon's back. But from there it goes sour. They way you originally had it was a bit better with the "inclining horizon of the small mountain twisted violently". Ditto others on your second sentence. Although, I'd change it to "freed" rather than "free from". The rest of your first paragraph is just nit-picky stuff from me. I think that you'd need to go off somewhere soon after this intro stuff and give a brief history of what's going on - the Dragon Wars. I read that and I immediatly wonder what's going on? Your second paragraph is a bit off. I think that it might sound better like: "Ehrich smashed through the foliage of great palms, the sound of the air passing through the slits in his armor made a shrieking sound. His legs (don't say lower body...can confuse little brained people like me at times) impacted with the top of a tree, flinging his body into a break-neck spin. Seconds later, he impacted with the ground, causing a jolt of pain throughout his body. It was the last thing he felt before he lost consciousness." I think that sounds a little better. I'm not sure about others and I'm not trying to go off and re-write it for you. I'm just trying to give you some other ideas or something.
posted
Yeah the writing buisness is tuff, and being critiqued can sometimes put you in a rut. But I agree with star, I think you should go back to your first one and work at it some more, maybe even give it a week and then sit down and wrestle with it for awhile.
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posted
I should also point out that I liked this one better. Although it was work to read, this time I understood what was going on.
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posted
----- Griffith and Graham - The Dragon Doctors ----- >Ehrich tumbled from between Sessurat's wings and into the air, the steep horizon of the igneous hillside spinning violently around him. Free from the wounded dragon's plummeting descent,
I believe you could use a few less words. Eric shot from between the wounded dragons wings into the horizon of the igneous hillside. Free from Sussurat's plummeting descent his body sailed as an arrow shot
>his body sailed as an arrow shot over the untamed vista, the serenity of this unnamed isle painstakingly lost for its adopted nature as a battleground. And it was no trivial skirmish: this would be the final clash of the forces of Soil and Fire against those of Air and Sea. The Dragon Wars would end here.
Try a few less words like:
over the vista of the unnamed isle, it's serenity transformed into a battleground. No trivial skirmish, this would be the final clash of the forces of Soil and Fire against those of Air and Sea. The Dragon Wars would end here
posted
no specific notes, as several people have already made some good ones. but, i gotta say, it's almost as if someone told you that the first 13 lines had to set up everything and you put a huge amount of effort into forcing as much detail into those lines as you could--while still leaving room for some confusing directions, actions and wording--and did not actually manage to tell me (at least) what the story is about. apparently, there will be a war. it's a story with dragons. maybe i don't read enough outright fantasy, but when i hear dragons, i'm assuming a war, at least in a novel length work. dragons are--to me, i'll interject again--the things of fantastical short stories--i've even written a few--or huge epics that inevitably involve war. we don't need to know this is the ultimate war of anything. i think the 13 line rule is more about creating a tone, a theme, giving us a notion of your world but not necessarily your plot. hell, in a novel, i'd likely disagree with that 13 line rule, but i'd have to test it to be sure
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