posted
Okay, forget Inferno. This is the beginning of 'Empyre', about a group of time-tourists. I hope somebody doesn't mind having a quick look to see if it's in any way grabby. There are, it should be noted, se_ual references, but they are hopefully not going to offend anyone.
Chapter One
The first time I broke a man’s heart was in 1945. I only knew him by his first name: Hiro. I knew more about what was going to happen to him than about what had. When I was soon to leave I told him that in a few minutes he wouldn’t even know I existed. He stared. “You think I will not remember you?” “No,” I said sadly, “but in three minutes I won’t have been here.” -- I met Hiro in a no-pan kisa, where I was pretending to be a waitress. The no-panty rule was a fetish. As usual it was both less and more than it was cracked up to be. The men were all going to be war heroes. Hiro was an exception. When a group of drunks upset a table, Hiro picked up the shards of a broken plate and placed the tiniest of them very carefully inside a napkin,
posted
I felt a hook in the beginning, and then lost the thread by the second para - I think that MC jumped backwards? I love the idea and as for the innuendoes they were not too bad. I bet I would understand the story, If I read more of the first chap..
Hope this helps. Again, this story sounds very interesting.
posted
Is Hiro his personal name or his family name? Cause it doesn't sound like a family name. That brings up a cultural point, it would be weird for her to only know him by his personal name, the name order in Japanese isn't just reversed on paper.
Your last paragraph contains a number of statements that seem like non sequiturs. The most important one is "Hiro was an exception", but it certainly isn't the only one.
posted
Thanks for the comments. Survivor, I'm not sure in what way 'Hiro was an exception' is a non sequitur. Never mind, thanks for reading.
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posted
It isn't clear from what he is excepted. Is he not going to be a war hero? That might be the most probable reading, but it is far from clear. The same problem is evident with "As usual it was both less and more than it was cracked up to be." I could connect that to the no-panty fetish or to pretending to be a waitress or to meeting Hiro. I could also connect it to the experience as viewed by the customers or by the narrator, or perhaps by the typical reader who might not be familiar with the peculiarities inherent in the role of a western style undergarment during the last hurrah of Imperial Japan. After all, if she's wearing a kimono or yukata...anyways, it isn't clear what that statement is supposed to reference in several ways. But it's not a very important statement, at least it doesn't seem as important as the statement about Hiro being an exception.
Heck, maybe you're harking back to something about his first name being his only name or something. I don't know for sure, because your statements lack connective tissue. You need to connect statements even when they're obviously related, when the relationships aren't obvious it becomes dire.
In fact, now that I think about it, I realize that you might be saying that working as a panty-less waitress is her fetish...an interpretation of the statement that totally eluded me before.
Basically, I'm saying that there are a lot of things that end up being pretty unclear in this, from the question of what you mean by "first name", or what is exceptional about Hiro, to the issue of whether Hiro put all the glass in a napkin or only the tiniest shard. You probably meant that he put all the really tiny shards in the napkin, but that's only a guess. It isn't what you say.
posted
I'm just bringing this up because it was the first thing that struck me when I saw the character's name of "Hiro."
"Hiro" is the character name for one of the main characters in the new TV series "Heros" (TV's attempt at cleverness in character naming), and also a character in Battlestar Galactica (so sue me; I never caught it on cable and am now renting it.)
It takes me a bit of time to shake off the previous word associations. But it's not a dealbreaker. Just wanted to let you know that was my immediate reaction.
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I was thoroughly confused by the first 3 paragraphs; then I remembered the description you gave above. If I hadn't had it, I think I would still be confused. I do like the idea, though.
My reaction, overall: whiplash. (Others called this "non sequitir," but I want to explain it differently.)
I met Hiro in a no-pan kisa, where I was pretending to be a waitress. The no-panty rule was a fetish. [The last sentence jerked me in a new direction: I wanted to know what a no-pan kisa is, and why MC was just pretending to be a waitress.] As usual it was both less and more than it was cracked up to be. [I don't understand what that means. What's it cracked up to be?] The men were all going to be war heroes. Hiro was an exception. [Yes, but why is the no-pan kisa -- whatever that is -- both more and less than it was cracked up to be?] When a group of drunks upset a table, Hiro picked up the shards of a broken plate and placed the tiniest of them very carefully inside a napkin, [What does that have to do with not being a war hero?]
posted
"The first time I broke a man’s heart was in 1945." - i love that opening line. i'm not sure why. it's just simple while clearly involving something big and important
"I told him that in a few minutes he wouldn’t even know I existed. He stared. “You think I will not remember you?” “No,” I said sadly, “but in three minutes I won’t have been here.” - and i love that exchange. on the surface, it's confusing, but it makes sense just enough for me to realize this is a science fiction story where the confusion isn't in the writing but in the situation. something wonky with time is about to happen, so bring it on
but, then you transiton to the talk of meeting hiro, and the toneshift, if not the shift in setting, is jarring after only a handful of sentences. and, the no panty line, while quite specific in establishing a setting, seems out of place where it lies
but, this, i like: "The men were all going to be war heroes. Hiro was an exception." a simply stated bit about hiro as a character and as a man, and i wonder, is it simply stated because you the writer wanted it that way or because our narrator a) is acknowledging that while she understood about him what she's trying to tell us she didn't care about him enough yet to bother with more elaborate description or b) she is trying to avoid her own feelings about alll this heartbreaking that's gone on. of course, that a and b could apply to the writer as well as the narrator, i suppose
and, this i love: "When a group of drunks upset a table, Hiro picked up the shards of a broken plate and placed the tiniest of them very carefully inside a napkin,"
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