posted
Here's a short story I'd like to expand into a novel. Ask if you want the whole thing. "Water surrounded the young woman, making it impossible to breathe. The robes about her body weighed her down. She began panicking, flailing about, the cloth becoming even more entangled as a result. It took only a couple of seconds for her to realize the destructive nature of these actions and she calmed down. She started untangling herself. Only about three seconds into this process she froze in terror. "Eerie tones drifted into her mind; a horrifying melody, known to the young woman but nearly forgotten, entered her conciousness. It could mean only one thing. "Her mentor was dead."
[This message has been edited by R A Larsen (edited December 08, 2006).]
posted
First off, I'm not sure why she's drownding and that bothers me. If I'm in her head and she knows then I need to know.
Also I'd like to know her name. It gives me a connection with her I wouldn't have otherwise.
And when you post you can just leave off the quotes unless someone's talking. Otherwise it gets confusine. Just skip a line or put a few of these **** to let us know the 13 are begininng.
posted
I found the situation interesting, but the sheer vagueness of character at the outset seemed to make her plight unaffecting where I felt it ought to really make me panic for her. Is having her in the water drowning (apparently) the best place to start? What happens in the rest of the chapter? If you give a rundown we might be able to think of a more natural moment to begin with (in your words, of course). How much have you written?
[This message has been edited by jenn (edited December 09, 2006).]
posted
You're not stupid. You're just learning the Hatrack ropes. I was just trying to help in my own obnoxious way.
And no, I'm afraid the story didn't catch me. See, the problem is that until I know more I can't care about the character drowning. It's hard to worry about something you can't connect with. And that's what you have to do. Connect me with something, someone.
Use the girl to do that. POV. You have me in her head--a little distant, maybe, but I'm there. Now take advantage of that.
Here's a line-by-line of the first paragraph:
quote:Water surrounded the young woman, making it impossible to breathe. to solidify your mc in our head, show is how she's not breathing. ex: "The girl gasped, sinking beneath the current." The robes about less informal will be less noticeable and you want the reader to forget you (the writer) are there. I tend to do this at times too, that's why I know. her body weighed her down. She began panicking, flailing about, the cloth becoming even more entangled as a result. This is a violent and dramatic scene. Make us feel it. How do you do that? POV. "Her lungs burned, her eyes blurred" What is happening--moment by moment in a situation like this will draw your reader in and make them want to keep reading. It took only a couple of seconds for her to realize the destructive nature of these actions and she calmed down. She started untangling herself.From her clothes? this is confusing Only about three seconds into this process she froze in terror.why? you can't tell me she does something without there being a reason. Have her hear the bells or song then react. Then the reader will be with you. Otherwise you lose them
I know you read through that wondering why I need to know something, or thinking "well, that comes up on the next page" or something. But the problem with that is that you've lost your reader by then.
To grab your reader ground them.
quote:The storm had ended.
Pug danced along the edge of the rocks, his feet finding scant purchase as he made his way among the tide-pools. His dark eyes darted about as he peered into each pool under the cliff face, seeking the spiny creatures driven into the shallows by the recently passed storm.
(ex. Magician by Raymond E. Feist)
Now, see how we know exactly what's going on and why. It doesn't have to be a lot it just needs to be grounding. If we know why your MC is drowning, or at least a part of it, then we can grab hold and want to know more. Tease us, but don't leave us in the dark altogether.
Anyway, those are some of my thoughts. Take them as you will. But if you're writing for anyone other than yourself you have to think about these things.
Good luck!
EDITED: for spelling
[This message has been edited by pixydust (edited December 09, 2006).]
posted
i like it. starts midscene, and an active scene at that, so it brings you right in
little language thing, though:
"She began panicking, flailing about, the cloth becoming even more entangled as a result."
that sentence could work better without at least some of the the "ing"s. hell, you could almost improve it a huge bit just by changing that first one. in general, try to never have any characters "begin" to do anything. it separates the action of the story from the action of the character. here, say she panicked, flailing about..." her panicking is the point so make IT the verb.
similar thing here: "She started untangling herself." although, in this case, it's not necessary to remove the "ing" though i think it would sound better, with "started to untangle herself" or--and unforunately, i didn't just grab the whole set of lines to copy and paste, so i'm forgetting now--if the untangling is fast enough, ie over in this one sentence perhaps, say she untangled her self, or even untangled herself part way. it gets the verb to something more active than "start"ing
posted
Thanks, all, for the comments. We're all writers and all know that we could spend line upon line saying "but, but, but", and get nowhere. Many of the suggestions are great ones, and I'm going to make a few changes here and there.
The no name thing has to stick, though. You see, the young woman doesn't think of herself with a name any more. I never even meant it for dramatic effect. Never even thought about that (kind of silly, really). It was to prove a point. The title is "forgotten memories," after all.
Oh, by the by, I have the entire short story finished. 13,000 words. I think I should have mentioned that it's kind of a thriller... maybe I shouldn't have. Anyway, I had people at my old employment asking for copies of this story left and right. It was a huge hit with anyone who enjoyed reading. I was surprised when 15 of the 18 people who read it didn't even notice that the "young woman's" name was never mentioned. One of the three who did notice was a writer, herself. To the average public, a name isn't as big of a deal as we may think. "A rose is still a rose...." Just a shameless plug for my writing... :l
So, thanks again, and I'll revise the first few lines shortly.
posted
Give her a unique tag, it doesn't have to be her proper name, and it could easily be something that implies amnesia or loss of personal identity or even the reason for her loss of personal identity.
You can even use a "cycle down" approach, giving her a long title and then reducing it to a shorter version, the way that you might first introduce a character as "Her Ladyship, Queen of Ellissya and Regent of the Northern Provinces" then cut that back to "the Queen".
But by simply not giving an identifier of any kind, just because you don't want to use "her name", you accomplish exactly nothing except the removal of information that is important to following the narrative.
posted
Oh, and everybody, I want to see from your future posts and comments that you've all read the entire article and particularly the section on Ego-driven Errors and Show-off Experiments.
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