posted
I'm just a newbie trying to get a little advice and feedback on my first piece. Thank you for the help.
There are two moods in my life where I feel like dying. One is a hyper euphoria where nothing, absolutely nothing, can go wrong. Strangers are all saints, and the fact that my train is 45 minutes late is no more important to me than multiplication tables are to a third grader on the last day before summer. All of the little shit that would normally drive me crazy, ceases to exist. Songs become the soundtrack to my life. I become a better person in a matter of minutes. Every selfish desire fades , and I recognize the world as something completely different.
posted
I don't get why a mood of euphoria would make MC feel like dying -- so the explanation isn't working yet. Ergo, no conflict.
As you go thru explanation, some more concrete detail might be good (as in, not "the ordinary shit that might bother me doesn't" but "when my husband leaves his dirty socks on the butter dish" -- something that would also help us see the relationships that will be important in the story.
posted
I would keep reading. wbriggs, isn't euphoria's connection to death the conflict? I personally would be interested in why euphoria is connected to the character's desire for death, but can think of few solid reasons.
[This message has been edited by SimonPatterson (edited December 20, 2006).]
posted
"I could die". Sure, we get it. Heh, I'm thinking of that scene in Azumanga Daioh with Kaorin after the sports festival That totally rocked. What a great series. Sakaki-san and Kimura-sensei are, like, such an awesome combo.
Anyway, this opening isn't terrible by any means, but it is a little insipid. Don't most people feel like there are moments when nothing, not even death, could spoil it? And then there are times that are so terrible you wish for death as a release. So this opening is rather generic, "I am, in this respect, an ordinary human being of no particular interest."
I think that wbriggs is trying to read something extraordinary or unique into this, but it doesn't seem to me like there is anything out of the ordinary about it. Which is why it isn't really grabby. But, since it does sort of imply that you're eventually going to get around to an actual story about a time that you "could just have died", and it isn't bad or anything, I would keep reading. So it isn't a "hook". It's not a crook either.
[who the heck is Taniguchi? I wonder...]
[This message has been edited by Survivor (edited December 20, 2006).]
posted
Survivor, did you read it as 'Nothing can upset me, not even death' or, as I did, 'I want to die because I'm so happy'?
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posted
I read I want to die, I'm so happy. Yes, perhaps the statement is true of everyone, but it is very seldom verbalized, and therefore hooked me. Further, it flows well, and that is something that bugs the crap out of me if it is ignored. So very good. If I had a criticism, it would be that you went just a sentance too long on the first point. See if you can put the twist on the first page, that way we can be drawn further into your little game.
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