posted
I've got the story arc, major characters and world roughed in, but not much else, so your feedback on this opening 13 would be greatly appreciated.
quote:Kerm was outside working on a hull plate seam when the suit comm chirped. He ignored it. The Critical Mass was built on a proven design, but it was old, old, old. The hull plates were supposed to be keyed and self-aligning, but these were surplused from the hulks of at least four other ex-military tugs. After thirty years of acceleration, braking and maneuvering thrust, even the parts from the same source wouldn't align properly, and it took more than a little concentration to get the jumpers in the right order. Screw one up and no shields. No shields and one micrometeorite could ruin everyone’s day. Permanently. The comm chirped again, insistent. Grinding his teeth, Kerm magged the iron to a coil housing and thumbed open the line. "Dammit Gino, what now? I'm kinda busy out here."
posted
Ok, you've got me centered in the POV early on, but the introduction of the ship's name is awkward. The suit comm interrupts the train of thought on the hull plates; you need to come back to the hull plates for a bit before you start talking about the ship itself. The reader needs to see Kerm's train of thought, how he goes from thinking about the hull plates to thinking about the ship itself.
Posts: 44 | Registered: Dec 2006
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posted
I like it. You could have Kerm's attitude come out a little more, but I think that it has plenty of punch as it is. The information is introduced in a logical order and for a logical reason, the only time I ever felt lost was the indication that the hull plates were actually field based technology rather than passive armor. I would use "shields" rather than "plates" for that reason, even though "shields" may seem a bit cliche. Cliche is better than confusing, and since these are definitely "shields" rather than "plates" you don't really gain much from not calling them "shields".
That's it, the only negative comment I could make about this. I almost nitted the fact that he ignored the comm chirp...but when you mentioned that the hull could be compromised it put things in perspective. The worst likely result of ignoring a comm is his own death, the worst likely result of not concentrating on his current job is the death of everyone aboard the ship. I'm even hooked. Let me know when you've got more.
posted
Kerm was outside working on a hull plate seam when the suit comm chirped. He ignored it. The Critical Mass was built on a proven design, but it was old, old, old.
That last sentence reads as a non sequitir to me. What does the Critical Mass being old have to do with Kerm ignoring a comm signal?
If you just had him working on the ship, worrying about its poor state of repair, and then he gets the comm signal, this would fix it.
If you did that, I'd keep reading. I'm not strongly hooked, but I am a little curious as to what you do when your spaceship is in poor repair, so I'd keep going.
posted
The thirteen lines haven't gripped me. My initial thought was 'this is pretty generic'. This shouldn't be taken as a criticism of the story, as many, many stories don't have a hook in the first thirteen lines; indeed writing a hook in thirteen lines could ruin a story.
I think it was written nicely and a good opening. I envision the chapter as the equivalent of a scene in a film where its relevance isn't made clear until much later on. I would've liked to see Micrometeorites start hitting the ship. Though, again, can this be done in thirteen lines - you need the calm before the storm.
posted
Thanks for the input, gang - it's all appreciated.
I'm fine tuning a revision that I'll post as soon as I'm happier with it. I'm liking the 13 line rule. It certainly is a challenge, and forces me to focus on my craft.
quote:The Critical Mass drifted, shields dead again. Every second they were down the odds of cold, vacuumy death by micrometeorite went up. Which is why Kerm was floating alongside, his focus shifting between the much-annotated schematic on his suit’s HUD and the mess of cables in front of him. He stickied a jumper across the lead the ship had told him was shorted, then traced it with the probe. Greenlight. He puffed with relief. It would be an easy fix. His suit comm chirped, and Gina’s voice came through, tense. “Incoming rock, Kerm. I gotta shift this can so hold on.” Kerm double-checked his tether and started gathering loose gear. “Almost done. ETA?” “Twenty seconds. Engines are hot. Boosting on my mark —” “Aw crap.” Kerm latched the gearbag to his suit harness and
Sticking to posting only the first 13, I've cut off the last sentence. I can work in some of the other details that I liked from the previous version later. Gino is now Gina - she had always been female, but "girl with a boy's name" is a bit trite.
wbriggs - I grok "hook." I hope the barbs set this time.
wolfcomm, everything else is just rough notes, so thanks, but there's nothing coherent to send.
posted
I really like the latest incarnation of the 13 lines here... it's good, has immediacy, and gives you some sense of Kerm's personality and importantance very quickly. It doesn't give you any idea of what the story will be about, but it definitely gives me enough flavor that I would continue reading...almost like a good movie trailer. (Hope that isn't an insulting analogy; it isn't intended to be.)
Posts: 10 | Registered: Aug 2006
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posted
No, this has a very different feel. Well, that's okay if this is more what you orignally intended, but to me it now feels over the top. Also, the POV is wigged, you've gone from a very good feel for the character to a jumped-up and rather trite situational drama.
posted
I definitely prefer this version. I am quite grabbed by it, actually. However, there are still nits that need picking. "cold, vacuumy death" doesn't fit with the writing style of the rest. The text is fairly terse- which is fine, so long as it's consistent- and that bit of description feels tacked on. Take it out, and that sentence will be greatly streamlined. Actually, that's about it- I'm really liking this now.
Posts: 44 | Registered: Dec 2006
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posted
Survivor is right - this definitely has a different feel, and I'm not sure I like it as much. It's not as terse, lost some grit. I think there's a happy medium between the two, closer to the original.
quote:The Critical Mass drifted through the Belt, shields dead again. Kerm floated alongside, his focus shifting between the schematic on his suit’s HUD and the mess of cables in front of him. His comm chirped. He ignored it. Every second the shields were down the odds of being holed by micrometeorite went up. He stickied a jumper across the lead the ship had told him was shorted, but it had been wrong before. He traced the jumper with the probe. Greenlight. It would be an easy fix for once. His comm chirped again, and Gina’s voice came through, tense. “Incoming rock, mudfoot. I gotta shift this can so hold on.” Kerm double-checked his tether and started gathering loose gear. “Don’t call me that. ETA?”
The working title at this point is "The Gravity Engine" - not a reference to the band or the "perpetual motion" gizmos of the same name.
[This message has been edited by xardoz (edited December 26, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited December 26, 2006).]
posted
I like it. The first was okay, the second was a little too over the top, and this is the best of the three.
Posts: 671 | Registered: May 2006
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posted
I still like the first version best, but this one isn't bad. The first one is mainly good because Kerm's attitude comes through so clearly. I can see how some people wouldn't like that, but they're going to eventually have to find out more about his character, one way or another.
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
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posted
Wow. Incredible. I like the first two. (please trash the third) I couldn't pick. I really like the line, "Cold vacuum death" It's perfect. Concise, creates an image and to me, it fits perfectly with the tone of the piece. "being holed by micrometeorite" isn't nearly as evocative as a cold vacuum death. The image of a dilapidated starship inhabited by frozen corpses is certainly etched in the collective subconscious of all sci-fi fans. (BTW you don't have to heed every single piece of advice. it is your story after all!)
I also liked "thirty years of acceleration, braking and maneuvering thrust(s)". In that one line I can see the ship in action, dodging missiles, returning fire, and every movement jarring the ship and everyone in it. It's important to give the ship some character too, as I'm sure the ship's function(or lack thereof) will likely play some role in the plot. If the ship simply malfunctions without any previous reference to wear and tear, it seems made up. Think of all of the references to the age of the Millennium Falcon as soon as were introduced to it. Try to keep this if possible. I think an s at the end of thrust would help. Quantifies it. Adds to the impression of time I think.
If I read this in an issue of Asimov's I would buy it immediately. When can I read the whole thing?
Great work!
-Donelle
[This message has been edited by Donelle (edited January 03, 2007).]
posted
Thanks, Donelle! I'll repost in a new thread as soon as I have enough to send out for crit. The Critical Mass isn't a military ship, it's a cobbled-together hulk of an asteroid prospector ship. Whether they'll be dodging missiles remains to be seen, of course.
I realized a couple of days ago that Kerm needs me to go back a bit farther so I can introduce his background and how he ended up on that flying deathtrap in the first place. I could bring it out in conversations after this point, but I hate expository/info dump dialog.
posted
Eh, at some point or other he'll have to think about where his life is heading. That's always a natural moment to think about where you've been.
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
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I hope the barbs set this time.
