posted
I was walking to clear my head, I was upset, because my brother Zach punched me in the nose. All because he popped the big zit by my right nostril; I have to admit it was massive. When the zit’s contents exploded onto his face, he punched me, as if I purposely directed the zit juices to hit his pristine face. Then something weird happened. You would think that living in a city for seventeen years, I would gain some familiarity or be aware of subtle changes. Nah, that’s why when I fell into the hole it was a complete surprise. I did figure out that it was not a manhole or sewer, because there was no distinctive sour smell and I did not experience a bone-jarring stop – I just kept falling. It was as if I had fallen off the face of the earth, and when I screamed - I could
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited December 31, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by TMan1969 (edited December 31, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by TMan1969 (edited December 31, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by TMan1969 (edited December 31, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 02, 2007).]
posted
I don't like line 1: punctuation ("I was walking, seriously, just walking, like...") but also if "out there" means in the world, well, not all of us are walking!
It might also be that there's someplace he's going? Few of us "just walk," although we might go for a walk to clear our heads or for exercise.
I very much like the next line -- not plausible, but funny!
He punched me, as if it was my fault: as if what was my fault? The explosion? In that case, "he punched me again"? Or did something else cause the explosion?
...and then MC falls into a hole. I don't like it -- too sudden for something MC seems neither surprised by nor curious about. I can think of 2 fixes: tell us in line 1 this is going to happen; or else let MC seem taken by surprise.
MC seems rather detached. "I experienced several emotions": this doesn't help us understand, since we don't know what they are.
OTOH he needs to be a little detached so we experience humor rather than abject terror. Maybe just not *that* detached.
It *is* funny, and delightful.
THought for extra humor.
simply because I wasn't sure which way was up (although it might be the direction the wind was blowing)...
posted
Yeah even as I re-read it, and continue writing it there is a few rough spots. Some of which you have pointed out - the zit line actually happened, my brother popped my zit and when the juices from it hit his face - he popped in the nose. I want this to have humorous bits, awkward teenage moments, and a great story line..thanks for the last bit.
I was going to explain the emotions he experienced(eg scared stupid to hell yeah.. or "I went from abject terror to rollercoaster excited..)but that took me away from the story - it's getting bigger as we speak..
posted
File this one under "Too much information."
At first I was confused, thinking that the zit popped when Zach punched the MC, but then punched him a second time after the "juices" hit him. Two brothers fighting and a zit gets popped, causing an escalation in the action. Not bad. That's a little gross and funny on its own, I thought, but could use some clarification.
Reading your reply, I find to my horror and dismay that I was, in my relative innocence, wrong. Oh, so very, very wrong.
Am I the only person here who finds the concept of brothers casually popping each other's zits bizarre?
posted
It was too painful for me to pop, and my brother didn't want to see it anymore - so he did it for me, poor guy. But after that it cleared up, so it all worked out in the end.
Posts: 287 | Registered: Jul 2006
| IP: Logged |
posted
I understand your meaning immediately: the brother (Older brother? Perhaps you should mention this. It would immediately create a better impression of their relationship) pops a zit for the (younger?) brother, zit juice squirts onto his face, big brother punches zit kid.
I can see why previous posters though it is the punch that causes the initial zit burst. It’s the placement of the sentences. You say he punches him, then you say that he pops the zit. The natural conclusion is that the punch pops the zit. But this is not the case (If I am not mistaken)
You can easily fix this by restructuring:
quote: My (big) brother Zach punched me in the nose. All because of a little acne accident. He was helping me pop the massive zit by my right nostril when the pimple’s contents exploded onto his face. Then he punched me! As if I purposely directed the zit juices at his pristine face!
Of course you don’t have to say it exactly like that.
Now on to this business about the hole. It’s a sudden twist, yet the protag mentions it with such nonchalance. Protag says it was a surprise, but the protag's language says otherwise.
Sometimes authors have the protag describe a big, sudden plot twist with utter disinterest for comedic affect. Dramatic sarcasm so to speak. I can see that working here(if that indeed is your intention).
I would read on out of curiosity alone. Try to focus on structure and clarity.
Printer-friendly view of this topic
