Sleep had not come easily for Hansson Gailbraith. He was irritated at having been awakened; however he knew Liam, his second, would not have called unless it was important.
“This is Gailbraith,” he said
“Sir we are tracking an event horizon. It is on an intercept vector and will arrive in less than four minutes.”
“Another ship?” He knew the odds were against it being another ship this far below the galactic plane. Yet he hoped.
“No sir, too small, too fast.” Hansson knew that meant only one thing; it was a Chosen.
“Thank you, I’ll be right up.” Hansson noted the young...

this version gets rid of anything sounding like star trek, it gets rid of the meeting (it isn't needed until later in the stories), straight to the story.

compared to my last post called 'far future'

[This message has been edited by BruceWayne1 (edited January 10, 2007).]

[This message has been edited by BruceWayne1 (edited January 10, 2007).]

As I read through this, my biggest problem was honestly the flow and structure. This is a hard nut to crack and to be honest, I usually don't try when this is the issue I see, but I'm feeling ambitious today.

Plus, there were a couple of things in here that intrigued me and I want to see if I can help you bring them to life a bit more.

"Sleep had not come easily for Hansson Gailbraith. He was irritated at having been awakened; however he knew Liam, his second, would not have called unless it was important."

I see a flow problem here. The first big of information I have about this story is that this guy Hanson had trouble falling asleep. Next thing I know he's woken up and I am told (not shown) that his second wouldn't do that without good reason. I'm sure, logically, as I read this, that you telling me that is supposed to make me feel a sense of urgency. But it's hard to feel that because what this paragraph really fails to do, IMHO, is put me in the moment. A paragraph that puts me in the moment would have shown me Hanson tossing and turning. It would have followed him into that moment where sleep finally overtook him and then the aggrivation a moment later when his sleep is interrupted. I'm not even sure it's necessary to say that the second wouldn't have interrupted him if it weren't important. Since you're starting out your story with it, I'm going to go ahead and assume it's important.

“This is the Gailbraith,” he said

This confused me a bit. What do you mean by *the* Gailbraith? What is a Gailbraith? I thought that was his last name but this makes it seem more like a title. If it is a title, and if we have an English translation, I highly suggest that you use it. A rule of thumb in Science Fiction and fantasy (that I'm pretty sure is in "How to Write Science Fiction and Fantasy" by OSC) is that you make up a word if we have no word for it. I'm a big fan of that particular idea.

“Sir ****comma*** we are tracking an event horizon. It is on an intercept vector and will arrive in less than four minutes.”
“Another ship?” He knew the odds were against it being another ship this far below the galactic plane. Yet he hoped.

I liked this last part..."Yet he hoped." It begins to give me an inkling of what is going on here. I expect to understand this hope shortly, although I respect that he's busy right now and his mind is on other things. It makes me feel like he's lost and it really begins the tension of the story.

“No sir, too small, too fast.” Hansson knew that meant only one thing; it was a Chosen.

Since Hanson didn't say the dialogue here, the last sentence should be a knew paragraph, I think. I am curious about what a Chosen is. If this is the sort of thing that can be explained or introduced briefly (in a short paragraph, prefereably a sentence) it might help our understanding to know at this point.

i don't like the first couple of lines as well as I did before, just trying something new.

quote:

---

Sleep had not come easily for Captain Hannson Gailbraith. The evil robot monkeys were everywhere, and they loved to jump on the beds of sleeping space travelers to wake them up before feasting on them. That wasn't the final view of this world that Gailbraith wanted.

First Officer Liam awakened him. He would not have called unless it was important.

"Sir," Liam said, "we are tracking an event horizon."

---

As a hook this doesn’t do it for me. It’s far too slow. And your characters are rather apathetic. It’s like they don’t even care that a Chosen is aprocahing. So why should I?

How should the captain react to the knowledge that there’s a life-form traveling faster than the speed of light on a collision course with his vessel?

“Thank you I’ll be right up.” He sounds more like his mom just woke him up for school.

And his second, who would also be aware of the Chosen says,
“Sir we are tracking an event horizon. It is on an intercept vector and will arrive in less than four minutes.”

Imagine if the watchman in a story about the titanic said,“I can clearly see a large glacial mass. It is directly in our path.” Instead of “Ice Berg, dead Ahead!”

I know you’re trying to create a starship with strict procedures and heirchies, but you can use the same information about tracking an event horizon and the like while conveying a since of urgency. Perhaps use the phrase ETA instead of “It will arrive in less than.”

you have caused me to re-examine things, that is what we are here for. I will remember to pay attention to that in the future.

the ETA thing, again a retrofit, trying it on for size to avoid nautical or military terms. I actually feel the way you do but the last and/or next advice I get will be ETA - that's too Star Trekie.