posted
The sound of trees rending, of earth and rock pulverizing, shifting, contorting as they ceased to exist screeched into the silence of a darkened forest. Lightning flashed upwards into the night sky, thunder roared and a ferocious screaming wind howled. Deira felt the earth rumbling beneath her feet, heard the howling wind, saw the flash of lightning moving towards her, and knew it for her doom. She ran, the light of the moon guiding her through the dense forest. She had hoped that she would still have a greater lead, but he had gained ground too quickly. She had been running for days. Her body ached, her mind was numb, and now that she was so very near, he would catch her. Deira nearly despaired, hated herself for it, and hated him even more. She ran faster, more determined to destroy him than ever
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 16, 2007).]
It took me a few reads to realize what the first sentence was talking about. Shorten it a bit, and I'm not sure I like the word "pulverizing" here. Why not describe exactly what all of this looks like? "Tree's rending" is less exact than saying "trees were split asunder" (bad example, but you get my drift?) Also, if her mind was "numb", would she be thinking so intensely?
Overall, a good hook. I'd keep reading.
[This message has been edited by Spartan (edited January 15, 2007).]
posted
I think it could be made more gripping, and I am *sure* it could be made clearer. I kept doing double takes. Where'd Deria come from? Then, her doom (which sounds like an "it") became a "he" -- huh? And what does that mean? Deria knows (or else knows that she doesn't). Tell us!
Rearrangment could do some of this:
quote: Deira felt the earth rumbling beneath her feet, FEELING THE VIBRATION AS trees, earth and rock BEHIND HER ceased to exist.
She ran. ...
So now we get the POV immediately. We also have the hook -- things ceasing to exist! -- not buried in the middle of a sentence, but put in a place of prominence by the paragraph break. It's your hook; it's good to emphasize it IMJ.
Then, I think, you tell us about her doom -- who he is, why he's after her, and enough of her circumstance (she's a witch that conjured him, or she's an innocent bystander that he declared he must possess, or whatever) that we get what's happening.
When that happens, then I think we can enjoy seeing the trees pulled apart and stuff, because we'll know where we are and what it means.
See the FAQs and useful discussions, Useful threads, for a few threads on the issue of when to tell the reader things.
posted
The descriptions could certainly be cleaned up and made clearer, but my main problem with this entire paragraph is the number of inconsistencies and contradictions.
The first sentence starts right off by saying that the sound screeched into a silent forest... which means it's not silent. Picky, but you need to portray it better.
The third sentence repeats too much of the previous one.
In the first sentence you say the darkened forest - but by the end Deira is running by the light of the moon-- uh, so it's not dark.
Her mind is numb, but she nearly despaired, but she didn't apparently, but she still hated herself for almost despairing?? This doesn't read well - it's like saying I almost got angry but I didn't but I was mad because I almost did.... grrrrr
posted
Deira ran, her lungs heaving. The light of the moon guided her steps through an otherwise dark forest. Far behind and down in the valley below her lightning flashed upwards into the night sky, thunder roared and a ferocious screaming wind howled. Even from a distance Deira could hear the snapping of trees, of rock and earth shifting and groaning. As she ran she felt the earth rumbling beneath her feet, heard the howling wind, sensed the flash of lightning moving towards her, and knew that her father was near; that her doom was near. She had hoped that she would still have a greater lead, but he had gained ground too quickly. She had been running for days. Her body ached, her mind felt numb, and now that she was so very near, he would catch her. Deira felt a moment of despair, hated herself for it, for the weakness that it implied, and hated him even more.
This is the rewrite... I appreciate the comments and thoughts given. I believe they helped to much improve the catch of this scene. If anyone is 'caught' enough to want to read more, just ask.
posted
This is a lot better than it was before. I could read more.
If you want a list of nits, moonlight is...well, moonlight. If you're able to see moonlight, that means that it's pretty much the most significant light source, you don't need to state that it's "otherwise dark". You could use that space to describe the moonlight a little better, like saying "light of a full/half/crescent/waxing/waning/rising/etc. moon" or saying that the moonlight shone between clouds or whatever. Likewise "down" and "below" are redundant. You also throw "behind" in with them, so it feels a bit overloaded. I think that the intentional relation would work better her, just say that she's running away from that lightning, don't make us infer it from a bunch of positional data. You mention her father in the wrong place. Just replace the next occurance of "he" with "her father" and it works out fine. "She had hoped that she would still have a greater lead" is very clumsy, there are a variety of ways to cut this down and retain the meaning you want (and bolster the first appearance of "her father" in the text). Followed by "she had been running", we get a slight overload of past perfect along with being told once too often that she's running. The phrase "now that she was so very near," can easily be misread or missed altogether. I think that you want to say that she's near her goal, but it can be interpreted as meaning that she's nearly caught and it doesn't stand out from the text very well.
Won't bother to nit the last sentance, other than to say it feels pretty busy. The thing is, you can work on it more. For now, I feel that I'm reading an actual story.
posted
The only thing that threw me off was the fact that MC ran by moonlight, but there is a storm raging. Shouldn't the moon be covered by clouds? And if the storm is distant, it shouldn't bee all that loud and frightening. Overall though, I thought it was pretty good.
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posted
Deira ran, her steps guided by the light of the moon shining through the trees. Her lungs heaved from the strain, and her breath condensed in the cold mountain air. The silhouette of a large single peak loomed above her; it felt like the ominous presence of fate. Behind her and in the valley below, lightning flashed upwards into the clear night sky, thunder roared and a ferocious screaming wind howled; a compressed vortex destroying all in it's path. Even from a distance Deira could hear the snapping of trees, of rock and earth shifting and groaning. As she ran she could feel the trembling ground beneath her feet, could sense the flash of lightning moving towards her, and she knew that despite her speed he was getting nearer; that her doom, her father, was at hand. Her body ached, her mind felt numb, and now that she was so very near...
Well, do to the constraints of the thirteen it isn't clear where she is near too, but it is in very next line (do you think this is a problem). Im not sure how to add that information so soon without it sounding stupid. Anyway... thanks for all the input, it is greatly appreciated. I hope this is better, to me it is, but you know how perception can be. I'm looking for readers for the rest of it, bout 3 pages in my word processor. Let me know if your interested.
Again much thanks,
eclectic skeptic
[This message has been edited by eclectic skeptic (edited January 17, 2007).]
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