quote:

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We found Major Dresner cold, stiff and out of breath;

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"Out of breath" generally means panting or breathing heavily after physical exertion, and isn't used in reference to the dead.

Edited to add: Also, "coiled eyes"?

out of breath (but the guy is dead)
humble remains of a brick wall (huh?)
coiled eyes (no idea what this means)
retrieving his finger -- as written it sounds like his finger isn't attached to his body.

In answer to Wbriggs' question, I was trying to establish my POV's cynical nature early on, but perhaps the first thirteen lines are too early. More importantly, my attempt was not very subtle. Cynicism is critical to the character, so it will have to follow soon after what you see here.

I want to believe that finding Dresner was a coincidence; the accidental outcome a busted fan-belt en route to Roanne. I was the first to spot him, laying face-up on the snowy gully-bed that ran alongside the road. His hands, bruised and stained, rested one over the other binding an Iron-Cross to his left abdomen. His eyes, black and still, looked to me, as if they were watching the fading daylight over my shoulder.
It seemed like a fluke in the natural order, seeing my first body in a ditch two miles from the front-line; nevertheless even now I can barely stomach our crossing as a meager happenstance.
“Well?” Fillmore posed adjacent to me. “What’s his side of the story?”

BTW: Just in case anyone is confused from the previous versions, the last line is a joke.

If you have the narrator consider the fictional audience, that will tell us a lot about both him and whom he thinks will be reading the story. For instance, perhaps he's writing this to his family, to let them know what's really been going on with all this murder-investigation hubbub. Or it might be a book for the general public, told well after the events. In that case, does John Q. know anything about this, or is it something that was lost in the general fog of wartime? Perhaps it's an informal report to an interested party. Whatever.

By letting us know why he's writing and who he thinks is reading, you give us insight into his motives for saying any particular thing...or not. Like I said, some of your wording seems genuinely strange

The thing with the eyes...you could just say, "his black eyes gazed sightlessly at the fading sunset." We understand that his eyes will thus gaze past anyone standing in front of the body.

You also say "seeing my first enemy in a ditch two miles from the front-line" is somehow unusual. Two miles is not very far from the front, it's certainly still in range of enemy artillery. Mobile ground forces can move that distance in minutes, even under fire. The only thing odd about it is that Dresner would be immediately identifiable as a POW yet be within two miles of the front. In which case you might say, "finding an enemy POW only two miles from the front-line" was unusual.